Is Judas or Jonathan In Your Circle of Friends?

This blog was dropped in my spirit an hour ago. I want to start this blog with a question: How many times have you seen on social media, people are complaining about those who they thought were friends but turned out to be fake? Now, if you're one who experiences this quote often, ask yourself, how many Judas Iscariot's are in your circle? Then ask, how many Jonathan's are in your circle? Before I go any further, let me say this: both are needed in your life, BUT, you need to regulate the Judas' and cultivate the Jonathan's.  

James 1 says that if we lack wisdom, let him ask of God. Believe me, He will do it. Proverbs 4 says to guard your heart. Jesus said to be wise as serpents (now the serpent was crafty) but harmless as doves. That must be seriously balanced. Many times we do one or the other.

Ok. Let's start with Judas. Jesus chose Judas to be part of the inner circle. Many will speculate why he was chosen, but I don't want to focus there. If you were to look at the character of Judas, he was not only a thief, but an impostor of a disciple. He hid his true colors so well that the other 11 disciples didn't know. Judas will walk with you, talk with you, but once you encroach on his personal agenda, he will betray. Judas wanted an earthly king. Now watch this, Judas sold Jesus out for 30 pieces of silver. Many people reading this have been betrayed in some shape or form. For some of the Judas' in your life, you were able to detect a snake immediately. Some will come subtlety to rip your world in two. When the devil came to Eve, he came with doubts and a desire to disrupt the plan of God. When most impostors attack, they wait until your heart is fully attached to the friendship (and relationship/marriage if it gets to that point), before the mask comes out. 

This is why friendships need to be covered in prayer and you need the wisdom of God. With me personally, I detect impostors by conversations. Sometimes The Lord will have me ask a certain question just to show me their reaction. But this is Godly Wisdom. He may have you challenge your friends in a different manner. God wants to protect you, the devil wants you to get sucked in via his impostors. Prayer, fasting & interceding can assist in you regulating and cultivating friendships. Most of the people you have to regulate, you'll end up terminating. It hurts to lose people in your circle, but I believe peace of mind is better than a heart ripped out of you. 

Now let's look at Jonathan. In 1 Samuel 18 starting with the first verse: As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

Wow! A true friend will love you as he loves his own soul. No selfish agenda here. Now watch this: Jonathan was the son of King Saul (who God rejected as king). How many of your friends love you as they love their own soul? That's a very important question. Don't be surprised if you only find one or two people. And that's a good thing. Think about it: less people, less drama. Jesus wasn't about drama. When the 70 disciples left, He looked at the 12 and asked them, "are you leaving also?" It's been said: extra baggage carries a lot of weight and you have to pay for that extra weight.

Continuing with Jonathan: in 1 Samuel 19, King Saul told Jonathan that he was going to kill David. Now you would think that a son would be loyal to their father (they should unless the father is for evil like Saul was). Jonathan loved David so much, that he would protect David from his father. Now that's a good friend, right there. Now how many of you desire that kind of a friend?

Now a question you might be asking: 

How did Judas hide his character so well? Remember that a demon spirit can easily transform into an angel of light (and will speak things your ear wants to hear). Again, discernment is key. Now, I'm not saying cut everybody off cause you've been burned (and I know many reading this have been burned terribly - broken friendships, relationships, marriages, and the list goes on). 

In closing, if someone entices you to do wrong, that's not a friend. If someone starts off as sweet, discern and watch. Just like Jesus said to watch & pray, do the same. He wants to protect you from the fake people. He gave us life to enjoy abundantly. 

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

Emotional Deposits In Relationships

Back in March of this year, I did a series on FB entitled Relationship 101 (and I posted it on my blog in the same month). Within the series, I was talking about the importance of "emotional deposits." And someone wanted me to expound on this (which I did 3/18/14). If you're married or single, there are some nuggets in this for you. So sit back and get ready to receive.

What are emotional deposits? Let's break this up in two parts: in a bank, you make deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are where you're putting something in, and withdrawals are where you're taking out what you put in. What are emotions? They are what a person feels (whether good or bad). You can put in good deposits and take out good deposits (via a withdrawal). Before I dive deep into this, let's look at Song of Solomon for a brief moment. Here we find the man depositing into his newly bride (in 4:9-11): You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon. 

That right there, whew! Now what woman wouldn't want to hear that! I could do an entire lesson on that, but that's a great example of an emotional deposit. Now let's look at the bride making an emotional deposit to her husband (from 5:10-16)

My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. 

That right there! She's showing him respect (and making an emotional deposit into him). 

Both of those out together sum up Ephesians 5:21-33. 

You see, just like parents make "emotional deposits" into their children's life, spouses need to make emotional deposits" into each other. For this particular post, I'm focusing on the husband making deposits into his wife. I will always say this when I talk about emotional deposits: no man should make an emotional deposit just to get into a woman's drawers!!! 

Emotional deposits (from a marriage standpoint) is where you are speaking life and encouragement to each other with no ulterior motives. Will my marriage friends help me out with this (and comment)? Continuing on, when a man makes emotional deposits into his wife, he loves her and cherishes her as his help. He's not after the sex, or manipulating her mind, physically or emotionally abusing her; he knows that he can't just treat her any kind of way. A real man makes emotional deposits into his wife because he knows that his success is tied into hers, and the better he is to her, the better she is to him, and the better he is, period! He wants her to succeed, so he'll speak words to encourage her to succeed in the natural and spiritual realm. He wants her to fulfill the dream He gave her, so He will pray for her, cover her and speak words that will help her, propel her to be all that God wants her to be. Emotional deposits are not to be manipulated for selfish purposes. True emotional deposits should show agape love!

For those men who are just trying to get into her drawers or to treat her violently, yeah you'll deposit something when you initially speak into her life, but the moment you act selfish, you would've used up everything in that account you deposited (faster than when you initially deposited into her life).

One of my sister friends said this as I was preparing this: Some people go into marriage making constant withdrawals until the account is overdrawn. It's very important that you make deposits daily in your marriage to avoid insufficient funds and you work on keeping your marriage in a positive cash flow. 

I agree with her in that marriages fail because they fall into a state of bankruptcy (i.e., loss of peace, joy, harmony, communication, intimacy, honesty, loyalty) leaving each other feeling angry, bitter, and feeling used.

I want to pause for a moment because there might be someone single asking, what about us singles? Granted, I'm single (for the moment), so it would be an honor to address this question. There are some things you can do & say and there are some things you can NOT do and say. The key here is to not defraud your brother or sister (i.e., live-in boyfriend/girlfriend). Single Men, every single woman you come in contact with is your sister. Single Women, every single man you come in contact with is your brother. Singles should not be doing things that are only reserved for marital relationships. Sex is obvious of course, how we relate to others is one that gets overlooked. I can't fully cover a woman like a husband does (in this blog, I'm referring to a man of God). But I can pray for my sister (while allowing God to teach me what the role of a husband is - and observing Godly marriages). How do I make emotional deposits into a single woman that I'm interested in? First, I make her the focus of my prayer (with no ulterior motive), ensure boundaries are set in that relate to her as a friend (ensuring that neither of us defraud each other), keep my emotions in tact (sadly, sins such as fornication and adultery can come when emotions of both parties are out of whack), speak life to her, and know that I'm accountable to God for how I treat my sister in Christ. 

One more thing before I jump back to the married folks. Single men specifically need to know this: when you are relating to a woman, your fist should never be used. You are proving that you don't understand emotional deposits and that you're not ready for marriage or any relationship. If you are degrading women and yourself with negative talk, you do not need to be trying to talk to a woman. Emotional deposits are dangerous when misapplied because you are damaging a woman and you will bring judgment over your life. The same holds true for single women who do the same thing.

Deposits in a bank account (now I'm an accountant by profession), are there for emergencies. You need to constantly make deposits every day (when you feel like it and when you don't feel like it). 

If you have been hurt before due to a bad relationship (or if you've never been in a relationship before): make sure you discern a person's true intention. You can tell if a person's honest or not by their heart (most cases, you can determine that from first meeting or communication. When people don't understand covenant relationships mentally, emotionally & spiritually, they will not be able to sow emotional deposits into their significant other (no matter how hard they try). In fact, they will overdraft on the account (and those fees are high). 

My sister friend brought up a great point. There may some people reading this who are in a blended family (or about to enter a relationship with someone who has children), let's talk briefly about emotional deposits in this case. Using myself as an example: if I marry a woman who has a child or children from prior relationship, emotional deposits are not JUST for her and treating her child or children with contempt. I am to make deposits into her offspring's life because if she's a part of me, then whatever else of hers is a part of me. 

And this is me (not The Lord) talking when I close this blogpost. Some of you know when you're receiving the emotional support that you so need. Seek The Lord (and not others) when you feel it's time to close the account. Think about it, in banks, if you don't keep a certain amount of funds in a bank account, you will get hit with a monthly charge (and if you have zero dollars, your account will be hit with overdraft fees). And because this is October (domestic violence awareness month, it's fair that I say this. Men & Women, the moment you make a deposits into your spouse, and then you turn around and neglect, have an affair,  verbally abuse, emotionally abuse or physically abuse your spouse and children, you will withdraw everything that you deposited that fast. 

Emotional deposits start from the heart and with a relationship with God (and it's not just for your mate). 

Blessings.

The Mayne Man

P.C.A. (Porn, Children & Abuse)

**Trigger Warning** to those who are struggling with this.

Last year, I was privileged to meet a fellow author & survivor Yvette Tatum. She wrote a book entitled I Didn’t Know: Identifying, Confronting & Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse (a recommended read). I read it while I was sitting at a vendor table in Daytona Beach around November 2013. When I reached one particular part of the book, I had to put it down because it made me think about what I went through during the course of my abuse (which is going to be the focus of this blog).

Yvette had this to say about child sexual abuse in her book of the same title (bold is my emphasis): Child sexual abuse – is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child’s genitals (except in certain non-sexual contexts such as a medical exam), viewing of the child’s genitalia for the purpose of sexual gratification, or using a child to produce child pornography.

I’ll be honest; it took me a long time to write this blog (because of fear, and having the stomach to do this). I wanted to type this blog roughly since the beginning of this year. Yvette went further to say that sexual abuse comes in many forms: molestation, rape, incest, pornography (this includes forcing one to watch sexual acts), sodomy & indecent exposure.

Now many of you know of my story (or have read Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid), but here’s something I share with very few people. I’m going to say it in such a way where it’s not directly in your face, but you’ll be able to get the point. When I was abused by two relatives (within my extended family) between August 1984 and July 1985 I would be exposed to pornography a month later. Now I wasn’t forced to watch it, but let’s understand how this all plays out. The two relatives who abused me were both 2 years older than me (and I was only 10/11 years old). My late father used to watch pornography, but he would always have the door closed (and I was always a child who tried to do the right thing – so I knew this was something I was not to watch). When the male relative (who was 13 at the time) was watching pornography, I was thinking to myself, “If he’s not allowed to watch it and he is, then I should have a right to.” So, he allowed me to watch for a brief moment with him. What I saw on the screen was no different than what my female relative did to me (I’m not bashing her by any means when I say that). But my thought on that was this, “been there, done that,” and initially thought nothing about it at that moment.

I would be so wrong with that thought because it would affect me for years down the road. So for Yvette to write that exposing pornography to a child is sexual abuse, it hit home really hard (in fact, I almost broke down and cried – part of me is trying not to cry now as I type this).

So why am I saying all of this: because when a child has been sexually abused, there are probably numerous layers that one has to peel in order to be fully healed. I encourage you to stay in the fight for your healing and peeling layers will be tough in some areas. Like I just said, peeling that layer off of me was tough. I hope this will help someone in the healing process.

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

The Autistic Life (Part 2 of 2)

Makasha, using my childhood as an example, what can parents do considering there are some parents who know their children are special needs, but instead, they discipline their children (smacking their face, spanking them for every small thing they do wrong, though it's due to the disability), thinking the discipline will bring children to obedience? 

 

Parents can only rear their children based on what they know and accept about them. In other words, if you know your child has cancer you will likely pursue medical attention. The same should be done when your child is diagnosed with a mental illness or learning disorder. You have to get the proper team in place to help your child.

 

One of the immediate things my son’s team worked on was helping me to decipher when his disability was causing him to be disobedient. Children with social disabilities should not be treated differently. It will cause problem in the home with the other children. Since every child is different, discipline should be customized to meet the child’s social, age and developmental levels while reinforcing the values you’re trying to instill. You can read my take on this here.

http://makashadorsey.com/2014/04/d-is-for-disability-versus-disobedient/

 

Why doesn't insurance pay for this (and why the school system calls these kids problem children)? 

 

We’ve had the benefit of good insurance so I don’t know a lot about why insurance does not pay. In many cases, insurance don’t pay for care because the bill coding from doctor’s offices are inaccurate. In addition, some practitioners offer vague diagnosis which will also prevent payment.

 

Both autism and Asperger’s are covered by most insurance companies. However, certain treatments are not. Therefore, your medical provider should work with you on finding treatment options that are covered by your plan or work with you to help get an exception approved so that your insurance company will pay.

 

The school system is an entirely different scenario. As it is, the public school system was not created to be able to accommodate children with disabilities. For many years, children with disabilities were either sent to mental institutions—both private and public—or kept locked away from family and friends. In actuality, some people thought these children and adults were possessed by demonic forces. Thank God for modern medicine. Since the school system was not created to accommodate children with disabilities, they’ve had to play catch up in this arena.

 

I’ve never heard school officials refer to children on the spectrum as problem children. However, I have seen schools not equipped to meet a child’s needs and it creates a problem for the school, the parent and the child. Most counties have school choice programs for children with Individualized Education Plans (IEPs). If the school does not have support, try another one that does. As parents we have to shoulder the bulk of the responsibility is ours when it comes to educating our children. If you have to wake up thirty minutes earlier to get your child to another school, do it. If you have to downsize your home/lifestyle to home school a child who cannot matriculate in the classroom due to violent outburst, social anxiety or the such, do it.

 

Too much responsibility is put on the public school system. Your child is your responsibility. Find a common ground or another ground to educate your child. There are options and sometimes you have to pay for them.

 

I would like to thank Makasha for chiming in on this. One thing she said when she was talking about the facts: Autism is oftentimes diagnosed along with OCD. I would take that a step further and say that if a child who's autistic (or "special needs") is being bullied (via physical, sexual abuse, etc.), PTSD will be discovered. That was the case with me (I was diagnosed with that in 2008). 

I mentioned a little bit of discrimination in Part 1, let me pick it back up from there. A lot of people (including me) that I went to school with didn't know I was autistic. But I knew deep inside that I was different. So, I was an easy target in school (and part of my adult life) for being used and picked on. Many people discriminate against children & adults with "special needs" due to ignorance or to just being mean. I fully understand that the world is all about "self" and stepping on people to better themselves.

I'd like to take a moment and share with you with what goes on in an autistic mind (using myself as an example). Many people will be able to identify and some may not, and that's ok. With me, a thousand thoughts flood my mind (and it's been like that since I was in pre-school). In fact, the things that stick out to me the most are as follows:

1. Music, songs & when it was released (if you know me, I'm very good with dates and I can more & likely tell you what was going on in my life when I hear certain songs, the year it came out, what grade I was in, and who wrote/produced the song).

2. Books I read. If you're not careful, you might find me reciting a children's book called Make Way for Ducklings (from beginning to end). 

3. Movie clips. I can tell you my favorite line from movies I watch.

I just mentioned a thousand thoughts, it's like that even as I'm typing this blog. One of those thoughts is that I'm going to forget to put something in this blogpost (smile). While I'm talking about the mental state, let me say this: for me, it's a struggle shutting my mind off at times. In fact, I've ran across a few blogs over the weekend that confirm that when we are in a quiet space, the mind picks up everything to think on (some good and some bad). What helps me is listening to classical at times & maybe some quiet worship to relax my mind. Reading helps (but it depends on what it is - sometimes what you read can appear in a dream or in your thoughts later when you really don't want to think about it). 

Now let's talk about my life with Aspergers. But first, let me give you a statistic:

1 out of 5 autistic children are physically abused & 1 out of 6 autistic children are sexually abused. 

I mentioned earlier when I posed a question to Makasha, that I was hit in the face quite often growing up (whether it was my parents or my uncle - same one who abused me). I can truly say, it made me rebellious and angry to some extent. But what I really want to focus on is this (and I'm going to fight tears saying this): in my life, I could do 5 things, but the one thing I would do wrong would be held against me for as long as I live. It would replay in my mind, or my parents would glorify my wrongs (people in social life would want to throw stones at me). Because I've been in trouble too many times, I am the type of person who seeks to make amends. Most of the time it's a dead end. Many of you who know me know that I apologize way too much. It's the conscience within me always doing something wrong, unintentionally hurting people that I so deeply love & respect. Like I said, my wrongs have been glorified growing up, so it's only natural to feel that way. In fact, it hurts more when I don't know that I hurt someone (or they just stop talking to me). Having been rejected as a result of my "special needs" state and abuse, I am thankful that I found stability in my faith. But at the same time, no man is on Gilligan's Island alone. 

What troubles me so much is when a person is suffering, they receive a finger pointed at them, but when the person pointing a finger is going through, the world must stop for them. It's been said to "seek first to understand." I guess it's easier said than done. I know many of us with "special needs" want to be understood, but we have been conditioned to understand others first. That can explain why we are very caring people and others tend to scoff at us and treat us like CRAP! And that's what society does at times, look at us as troubled children or even a liability to the health care system.

One thing that stands out to me is an incident that happened at home. My uncle came to live with us and I foolishly believed him when he said that he taught The Commodores how to write songs. My mother was taking a college class and she told her classmates this. When she told me she did that (I was about 11), I felt so humiliated. 

And this now leads into the next area I want to move to.

Aspergers & Depression

I can definitely speak on this first-hand. I don't like to see people hurt, but rejection for me is like taking my very life. In fact, my mind is happy about life and then when I feel rejected, my mind wants to escape life (this can even occur when I'm speaking or at a release party for my own book). There are some things in my own life, I can't even explain. 

This morning, I ran across this link (and I ask that you check this out as you read this blog):

http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2011/10/dealing-with-depression-55-tips-for.html?m=1

As I was reading, I saw myself in many of them (especially #3). 

As I wind this blog down, let me say this: Suicide among kids with autism due to being bullied, and being sexually abused is increasing as the days progress. According to http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/827794 66%of adults with Aspergers have suicide ideation. Among adults with Aspergers, those with depression are 4x more likely to experience suicide thoughts.

So why am I saying this? People with "special needs" need love, care & protection. They need stability, and a feeling that they're not rejected. Many times, they feel that society has rejected them. In fact, I have found that those who are "special needs" (to include those with AD/HD), are very gifted in the creative arts. 

Now, that I'm drained, you all be blessed today.

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

The Autistic Life (Part 1 of 2)

This is a blog I wanted to write 2 weeks ago, and I'll be honest, I really don't want to type this because this is painful to me in certain areas, but I know this blog isn't just for me. So I ask that you bear with me & stay with this through both parts. My heart has been heavy since this morning & I have had some moments where I have cried. With that said, I have to break this up into two parts because so much needs to be said (and I believe this will touch someone). 

When I first heard the word Autism, it was around 2008 when celebrities such as Jenny McCarthy & Toni Braxton were sounding the alarm (and praise God for that). I initially didn't think anything about it until CNN did a documentary on it. When I was observing the children's behavior (they had to be around 5 years old), I said to a friend of mine (who was sitting with me at a coffee shop as we were studying for the CPA exam), I can't laugh at that because that reflects my behavior on school. I asked my family if I was tested for autism and I received an emphatic NO, and you don't have it. Within my spirit, I knew it was a lie. 

Fast forward to 2011, when I was writing the dedication page to DDBS, I dedicated the book to those who have been diagnosed with AD/HD and/or to those who have any shade of Autism. For the benefit of those who don't know what DDBS stands for, it stands for my novel In my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid: Michael Anderson's Fight For Life. In this story, Michael is a child living with Aspergers. As a result of this disability, he endures bullying at home and at school, he's abused, placed on Ritalin and ends up taking his own life. If you notice as you read this blog, that sums up my life (minus the suicide). I didn't understand why I was making that dedication, but now I do and I'll explain. 

Near the end of 2013, I was looking at my psychological evaluations (when I was in pre-school & kindergarten) and I noticed a common trend: the word "echolalia" appeared and that my social skills & speech was impaired. Eye contact is also minimal. When it all adds up, it's Aspergers (which I suspected that I have back in 2011). It's on the autism spectrum, but it's not severe. I was clinically diagnosed that March of this year and I was relieved. 

I know life is hard for a child living with Autism (and for parents raising children with Autism). I am going to include Aspergers when I speak of Autism for this blog. 

As I continue this blogpost, I will ask fellow author Makasha Dorsey to share her thoughts on this (as she has a son with Aspergers & a short story in The Motherhood Diaries about life as an Aspie Mom). 

Let me give you some facts about Aspergers Syndrome so you're not completely in the dark. This is from their website: www.autismspeaks.org

Asperger syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) considered to be on the “high functioning” end of the spectrum. Affected children and adults have difficulty with social interactions and exhibit a restricted range of interests and/or repetitive behaviors. Motor development may be delayed, leading to clumsiness or uncoordinated motor movements. Compared with those affected by other forms of ASD, however, those with Asperger syndrome do not have significant delays or difficulties in language or cognitive development. Some even demonstrate precocious vocabulary – often in a highly specialized field of interest.

The following behaviors are often associated with Aspergers syndrome. However, they are seldom all present in any one individual and vary widely in degree:

• limited or inappropriate social interactions

• "robotic" or repetitive speech

• challenges with nonverbal communication (gestures, facial expression, etc.) coupled with average to above average verbal skills

• tendency to discuss self rather than others

• inability to understand social/emotional issues or nonliteral phrases

• lack of eye contact or reciprocal conversation

• obsession with specific, often unusual, topics

• one-sided conversations

• awkward movements and/or mannerisms

So what was life like for me? I didn't have that many friends, partly due to my lack of social skills. Because I was challenged, I was bullied by certain family members to include physical, sexual & verbal abuse. I was placed on Ritalin and endured bullying in school. 

Because I was a special needs child, I felt as if I was beaten into normal (I was disciplined with the rod for things I knew were wrong, but more for the things I didn't know were wrong). In fact, when you look at someone who is autistic (or even someone who has Down syndrome or even Tourette Syndrome), you'll find a lot of their actions are not planned. They're impulsive. Now, I'm not justifying all of the actions I did as a child and an adult, I say that so that those who don't understand what entails in an autistic life. 

When a child is a "special needs" child, there's a strong chance that bullying will come from the home front and school life. How do I know, it happened to me. And as I became an adult, I have become more sympathetic to people (and for many, they saw it as a means to take advantage of me). But I know many people living this life will relate to this. Another form of bullying that takes place is discrimination. I think I can capture this from a clip from my novel DDBS (this is the scene where Janice comes up to Michael in school): 

Janice comes up to me in full-blown conversation mode: “My man has never gone through anything that you’ve been through. You’ve been neglected, and that’s probably why you get angry at sporadic moments, right?” I said yes. I don’t plan it, and I don’t like it when it happens, because I become very depressed and apologetic. This is partly why I’m in counseling.

But I questioned her, “Is this your main reason for dropping me, because I’m not stable? Does my counseling and my cries for help matter?” Janice doesn’t waste any time making it plain. She says even if her parents OK interracial dating or marriage, I have too many issues. She claims to know a lot of people who have problems and that she loves them “equally,” but she’s still trying to “wrap her mind” around the fact that she loves me the JACKED UP friend with a mental disorder.

Before I go any further, I would like to pause from my life for a moment and ask Makasha to chime in on this:

Makasha, can you share some facts on Autism from A Mother’s Perspective? 

• Autism does not mean unintelligent.

• Autism is often diagnosed alongside a mental illness or learning disability—Aspergers Syndrome with Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.

• There are children who are on the autism spectrum and then there are neurotypical children—kids society call normal. Who wants to be normal?

• Some children on the spectrum present no physical problems such as tip toe walking or clumsiness.

• Children on the spectrum need a safe place to be themselves.

Why do doctors give up on patients? 

Fortunately, I’ve never encountered a situation where a doctor has given up on a patient so I wouldn’t be able to answer this question. We’ve lived in 5 states since my son was diagnosed and have had great doctors and support teams each time.

As a parent my advice would be to find the right doctor. Your pediatrician might have worked great for your first two children but not so much with the third. Get the third child a new pediatrician who understands your child’s needs. You can’t get milk from a rock. Instead of blaming the doctor for giving up, be proactive about your child’s health. You are your child’s best advocate.

The same applies for adults. If you are not getting what you need from a doctor, why stay committed in a relationship that does not work for you? Join support groups where you can network with other people who are struggling with the same disability. They are a resource.

Lastly, if you’ve changed doctors for yourself or your child several times because they’ve given up on you do a self evaluation. You are a common denominator. How are you handling your relationships? Are you following the medical advice offered? Are you using the support team recommended? If you don’t follow doctor’s orders then you are culpable as well.

I'm going to continue this blog & my questions with Makasha in Part 2. Click the link below to proceed to Part 2.

http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-autistic-life-part-2-of-2.html

The Lost Sheep vs. The Found Sheep

As I was about to leave my apartment to head to work this morning, my heart was heavy with this issue. I'm reflecting a ministry call from last night and my brother (Prophet Norman Quarles) brought up a passage that made me think about this blog that I've been sitting on since the spring of this year. He mentioned Acts 4-5 (one of my favorite sections in the book of Acts) where the disciples were being persecuted and were going to Jerusalem to get refilled with the Holy Spirit. But Jesus had to force them out of their comfort zone so that the great commission can be fulfilled. To get people in church nowadays to go outside their comfort zone and preach the gospel is like pulling teeth. I guess it's easier to invite someone to come to church than it is to minister the gospel. As a result, we tend to stay within the found sheep where it's comfortable, and then what happens is that complacency sets in.

Luke 15:1-7 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them." So he told them this parable:

"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.' Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

In today's society, we focus more on church growth than we do seeing people getting saved or healed right where they are. We don't meet people where they are from a salvation perspective, but more from a church growth perspective. Sure, they can come to church, but if they don't get saved, it's pointless. Something said from the pulpit and our attitude towards those who are lost (note they will not have a sign on their head saying "Non-Christian"), should cause their hearts to stir and consider who Jesus really is.

In 2011, while writing my novel DDBS, God have me an acronym "AMCC," and it stands for American Middle Class Church. If you look at the job market and the attitudes of people who are considered "middle class," you'll find the mentality is "all about me, my family, and my clique" and everyone else can fall by the wayside. Sadly, we carry that mentality into the church world, where special prayers are for the elite group. If you're outside the group, you have to pray for yourself (and I got that from many people writing that novel - refer to my blog earlier this month When I Wanted To Die and from July of this year How Suicides Can Be Prevented). One principle of the AMCC is that the found sheep are more important than the lost sheep. It's been said, "the found sheep are to be like puppies in a box looking after each other."

I've taken a lot of flak from people within the body of Christ and to include my local church for that acronym (I did a series on the AMCC back in March/April 2013). Now for clarity, there is no church called that. It's a mentality (regardless of your skin color). In fact, it's hard to tell who's worse. But let me talk about my race for a moment and how we act with that mentality. In this mentality, we easily forget about the lost sheep unless it boosts their reputation among their clique. Another thing that happens is we look for other found sheep with titles - sadly some give themselves titles and then get big headed. And that's one thing God does NOT need. While I'm on that, a serious tragedy that can happen as a result is that we focus on our OWN agenda and start using people (or entertain impostors who say they are part of the five-fold) and the minute you see a flaw, you cut them off unless they itch your ear and/or they have a title next to their name.

Here's another attitude that comes up when you're focused on the found sheep (living with the AMCC mentality), someone asks you for prayer, but you won't because you have so much hatred, envy, or jealousy towards them and because they're not part of your clique. In fact, they (leaders and his/her members) envy your anointing because they see how your heart is in sync with the Father's heart. In short: you're a poster child of ridicule to them! Leaders with an AMCC mentality ensure that those seeking the lost sheep and not on the church's agenda are targeted, and will inform their members who are the outcasts to ensure their circle remains tight.

A warning that needs to ring out loud and clear: the AMCC mentality is not of God, people of God. People are dying under our watch. And just because they're not part of your clique does not mean they're not worthy of love. We need to stop focusing on the found sheep and start fulfilling the great commission. I look at my novel DDBS and a lot of people criticized me (and some have cut me off) for dealing with two depressing topics that need to be addressed in the world and the church (sexual abuse & suicide). I have read testimonies from people inside and outside the US of how it's saved their life or they're now considering Christianity, that says a lot; but I simply say glory to God.

Yes, we do need a covering of a church (and some need to stay under it), but everybody has a part in fulfilling the great commission in Matthew 28:18-20. Now there are many who are commissioned to go outside the four walls (which I believe I am as well), because God knows their heart is in sync with God (seeking and saving the lost - Jude 20-23 - and not solely seeking them to attend your particular church). Now inviting people to church is NOT a bad thing, but if it becomes the focus, churches can easily get big headed. If you look at Acts 8, Philip was not focused on getting the eunuch to come to church, his focus was for the eunuch to understand the gospel. God is an unconventional God (and as my brother would say, His character does not change). I believe our priorities are out of place. Now I'm used to people having a problem with what I say or taking things I say out of context; my thought is to just let the gainsayers be who they are and pray for them (after I clarify my statements). When people speak out on this, persecution is inevitable because this definitely won't itch the ear.

Earlier in the blog, I referenced Luke 15. If you were to read the rest of the chapter, you'll find people going after their lost coin or their lost son. We all have that great commission. If you're relying on the church leaders to do all of the work in teaching the lost, we have a problem. If you're not even thinking about the lost (unless it's part of your AMCC clique), you have a problem. Thinking outside the AMCC box will bring ridicule, shame or possibly excommunication from your respective clique or church.

Here's a freebie, if we could show more love and compassion to everyone, then there would be no need for one person (typically the pastor) to take up the slack of what the congregation should be doing already.

Ok, now that my heart & spirit is emptied, I'm going to stop here. I pray that this moves you to have a heart for the lost and to see the chains fall off of people who are hurting.

Blessings.

The Mayne Man

 

When I Wanted To Die (World Suicide Prevention Day)

Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. Before I share my story of when I wanted to die, I want to give those who don’t have an understanding of how real suicide is. According to http://www.iasp.info/wspd/, “suicide is a major public health problem. The psychological pain that leads each of these individuals to take their lives is unimaginable. Their deaths leave families and friends bereft, and often have a major ripple effect on communities. Every year, over 800,000 almost people die from suicide; this roughly corresponds to one death every 40 seconds. The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined. Suicide is the fifth leading causes of death among those aged 30-49 years in 2012 globally, and is the second leading cause of death in the 15-29 years age group in 2012 globally. Overall, it is estimated that during 2012 for each adult who died of suicide there were over 20 others who made suicide attempts. In 2012, suicide accounted for 1.4% of all deaths worldwide, making it the 15th leading cause of death. Mental disorders (particularly depression and alcohol use disorders) are a major risk factor for suicide in Europe and North America; however, in Asian countries impulsiveness plays an important role. Suicide is complex with psychological, social, biological, cultural and environmental factors involved.”

That says a lot, and while I was writing my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid (DDBS for short) between 2010 and 2012 (addressing child sexual abuse – based on my real-life story of abuse – and teenage suicide), I went through a suicide spell in December of 2011. Part of the note is in DDBS, but I want to share it with you in its raw form (not to glorify suicide, but to let you know how real it is and that we must have a heart for those who are struggling with life).

December 3, 2011 (an e-mail to a few people close to my heart):

My life is a constant fight, considering I have mental problems through the neglect of my parents during the course of my abuse - which I am not trying to claim the victim role - it's hard. People are saying I should be married. If I'm not then I'm a homosexual. I am tired of fighting. My life has been constant suffering - over my life - for the concern of others. When it’s all said and done, everything is my fault! It's my fault if I'm not married, if people turn their backs on me. I am trying to keep things in perspective here. I want to grieve over what God grieves.

One thing about my family, they are so nosy and paranoid of what I do (considering I'm the oldest). This is partly why I'm writing this novel about my childhood abuse and the main character is going to lose his life (maybe this suffering is for the novel).

Moving along, here's what I really want to say. I'm like this when everyone acts as if I don't exist in their world. Everyone is important to me. I understand about the concept of letting go (that's not so bad). I'm trying hard and want to. Everything is my fault. People are saying to me, "you need to be married, you need to be married; if you're not, you're a punk!" And sure I'm trying to look for love. But when I get this kind of treatment from women (for the past 25 years of my life, you want to give up and say love isn't meant for me, and I've had enough of trying to find a marriage partner). Women are typically saying, "you did this, you're not my type, I only see you as a friend - from Christian and non-Christian women. Why am I on a quest for love when I'm just taking up people's space? Sure, I play a role in other people's lives, but I guess that's it! And again, it's my fault and no one cares of what I do. I wanted to give this an example, because this is the pain I feel in my life. If I had a weapon to my head, people would simply say, "I'm sorry, or I'll pray for you." What? I am about to take my life and that's all you're going to say? That's painful (from Christians & non-Christians). Again, I'm not going to do anything rash, but this is what I feel. Yes, it's a casting down imaginations case, and I know God loves me (though I don't understand when my life is so full of suffering). Sure, I have my life, but my brief moments of smiles are turned to deep sadness. Everybody's saying, enjoy everyday life (how, when everything is crashing - unless I'm supposed to wear a plastic smile). Other than God, there is no happiness in my life. Of course, I can't wait to be with Him when my life is over; meanwhile, I'm miserable and don't know how much more I take. Everyday, it's a constant battle in my mind and I'm already in the looney bin! I just want to be free.

I'm not trying to say I'm a victim by any means. I just want someone to say it's going to be alright!

When I look back at the note, you would be surprised as to how many responses I got. They ranged from “you should be thankful for the pain you went through,” to “you need to just get over it (in short, I don’t want to hear it).” A month later, I called the suicide hotline here in Tallahassee. I told them what was going on and that I didn't want to live. Their response wasn't what's going on, but it went like this, "try to think of something positive." I thought to myself, that's not the wisest thing to say when a teen or an adult has a gun to their head. It made me think long and hard as to why the suicide rates are so high.

I remember a woman posted on social media stating that she was going to take her own life. It was baffling to see how many people were telling her to get over it and talking down to her. I just inboxed her and said this: “if you happen to get this message, give me a call and here’s my number.” About 4 hours later, she called me and all I said was this: “you have my undivided attention, talk to me.” She shared what was on her heart and all I did was listen to her heart. Just a simple ear to a hurting soul can help prevent suicide.

In closing: Many people who are on the verge of suicide really do care about the hearts of others, and many of us probably overlook what they’re going through by saying they are oversensitive or melodramatic. When they realize they are not heard, they will do something rash. If we would stop and understand the hearts of others instead of being so judgmental, we could speak life and encouragement to broken and hurting people.

Many suicides are linked to past abuse, and here’s my take on that: We are on the brink of losing the next generation. And it’s sad that the only remedy for an abused child is drugs or illicit sex. This is part of the reason some kids and even adults commit suicide. It’s a tragedy that shouldn’t happen this way, considering we “so holy people” are re-victimizing the abused, while the abuser gets away with a crime they should be charged with. If we don’t care for those who are abused, they will either take their own lives, or they will become sadistic and take somebody else’s life.

People who are considering or attempting suicide REALLY don’t want to die, they want to live. We must be willing to help them live.

Because today is suicide prevention awareness, I want to do something special. If you were intrigued by this, I encourage you get the book that addresses suicide prevention. It’s entitled Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid: Michael Anderson’s Fight for Life. I will personally autograph it and send you a special gift along with the book. Attached is the link:  http://maynetre.com/mm/books/deaf-dumb-blind-stupid-michael-andersons-fight-for-life/  

I am totally committed to sounding the alarm on how real suicide is and what we can do to prevent it. Here’s a blog I did a few months back entitled How Suicides Can Be Prevented. http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/07/how-suicides-can-be-prevented.html

And a bonus: Why People Are Oblivious to Abuse & Suicide: http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/08/why-people-are-oblivious-to-abuse.html

Blessings:

The Mayne Man