Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 15: Denial)

I hope everyone enjoyed his or her fabulous Thanksgiving. When it comes to this particular blogpost, I know, I know, I’m rather late; I initially started writing this blogpost back in April of this year, but a lot has transpired this year for me, so I cease from procrastinating and finish this much needed blogpost. I don’t know about you, but this year has been a year of change for me. As I think about this year as a whole, there are many people (whether they will admit it or not) living in denial. Have you ever looked at someone and see the beauty of someone, but if you look into their eyes and sometimes listen to their words, you can see and/or hear the pain that they’re trying so hard to keep inside. They know they need to alter their mindset, or make a change on the inside, but they refuse to (and end up doing the same things over and over again expecting different results). Now that’s just one area. Let’s take this up a notch.

As you can see, this blogpost is dealing with the mask of denial. Where we know something is wrong, but we just don’t want to deal with it because it’s too messy, or it’s a matter of “I’ve got this under control,” when the truth is, you don’t! That’s denial. Have you ever been in a relationship when a man who was totally at fault, stepping out of the relationship, cheating, lying to you, and your healing process consists of you attacking them in the following manner, “Where were you? See, this is why I don’t trust you. You don’t respond to my texts when I text you? What! You don’t love me? Your words say one thing, but I just don’t trust you! I called your job, and they told me that you weren’t there. In fact, your friends told me that you skipped work! Give me your passwords to your social media accounts and your phone! Let me see who you’re texting?” And the other person says, “Where’s my privacy? You don’t trust me?” Would you say this is a case of jealousy or trust issues? I’ve never been in this situation before that I just type (thankfully), but I know these situations do happen in real life and on the TV screen. If I were to analyze this, there are issues that both parties have to address. The one doing the attacking is possibly struggling with trust and lack of it that he/she received during the course of their upbringing. The one who was asking, “Where’s my privacy?” actually provided no trust in the relationship for whatever reason. The last thing anyone should do is to not address it only to go through the same thing over and over expecting different results in a different relationship. For the one doing the accusing, it would appear that their heart is troubled (and Jesus said to let not our heart be troubled); for the one accused, there’s some hurt within too where they’re not standing up for themselves. So, because they don’t address the hurt, they’re in essence denying the hurt inside. Dealing with hurts inside requires one to own their process. This is how effective change takes place. This is something I’m working through in my life as I look at some areas where I am damaged, fearful, and feeling bound in certain areas. I have to own my process, and stop denying or procrastinate in making a change about it.

But let’s take the above paragraph another level. Sometimes the person doing the accusing may do this and there was never a violation in the first place. In other words, the accused is actually innocent, but the accuser is so used to being betrayed in the past (from the past – whether it be bad relationships, or upbringing), that now, they’re playing the doctor/nurse and just want to operate on something that doesn’t need surgery at all. So this could possibly be denial of what they’re experiencing in their mind and heart. The way this denial is expressed is very extreme. If you really look closely at the situation, the accuser just wants to be safe and secure. If you deny being truly safe and secure (and you just isolate yourself without God’s Word in your spirit), you can never be whole from this feeling that’s within you.

Think about this, have you ever said, “Are you feeling me?” only to just share your thoughts and describing your feelings. Feeling really requires one word, such as “I feel abandoned. I feel hurt.” Those are examples. When you do that, it actually helps you get in touch with what you are going through. This requires your thoughts to be separated from what you feel. Are you willing to understand your process? When there’s pain inflicted on someone, that pain is felt by the person who’s hurt and the response from the person who they hurt that now the person who did wrong has to bear. The key here is to stop denying the pain you really feel – regardless if it’s someone who’s currently in your life, or someone who’s no longer in your life. Let it go and let God create in you a clean heart. If your heart isn’t clean, the devil will allow you to stay in that hurt, and your heart will continue to bleed and will never heal. This is why I am always conscious of what I say and do to others, because I know that my wrongs don’t affect others, they affect me too. Staying in denial doesn’t hurt just you; it hurts others who are around you. For many, they’ll stay in denial because of the fear of the unknown. You’re not mean to go through this alone, that’s why Jesus said to take His yoke because it’s easy and His burden is light. Your body isn’t built to carry burdens. Carrying them just to have someone to carry is really pride (which the devil thrives on).

Did you know that faultfinding is a form of denial? What am I talking about, you might ask. This is where you strive to seek the bad/wrong in every person you are entering a relationship with, and the problems with the relationship are on them and not you. You use faultfinding as a weapon as needed so that you can take the nearest exit out of the door. A lot of this faultfinding is hinged on something you’ve experienced in your life. Would you agree or disagree? Think about this one. I know it hurts, but this could actually hinge on self-sabotage (mentioned in Part 12: Restoration of “Self”).

If you have ever justified your denial, you will probably relate to this part right here. If I deny the pain that I experienced in my abuse (like I did during my teen years) and justify it, then I’m really wearing the mask of “everything is fine,” when the truth is, I’m broken, battered and beaten. Sadly, society and some churches want you to have the mask on and stay in denial (without helping you cope with the pain that you have to take to bed with you every night). Denying my abuse and justifying it looks like this, “if you have protected me, then I wouldn’t hate you as much as I do now!” In a relationship, it will look like this, “I am single because the last man I had punched me in the face, talked down to me, cheated on me, wanted to have a threesome, etc.).” If someone violated your trust, you can easily project that on people who didn’t harm you and justify your reason for being extremely jealous. In other words, this justification of your behavior is denying that you have the ultimate responsibility for how you conduct your life – and you’re blaming other people for your actions.” The beauty of God is that He’s not judging you as hard as you are judging yourself. Your behavior is a work, and it’s not the grounds for your salvation. Religion (and the devil) will tell you that your behavior determines your salvation, and that’s a lie! And on that note, don’t deny your true feelings when you’re talking to God, He already knows and He’s not judging you, like man does!

When it comes to sexual abuse, we deny because of the shame that it’s placed on us as well as the pain that was afflicted on us (I will address the root cause of the pain which will be called Church Hurt, so stay tuned). I have met so many people who have denied their pain and I remember having to tell someone, “If you continue to deny your abuse, if a trigger happens and you haven’t dealt with it, you will explode.” Yes, the pain and the hurt you experienced was not your fault, you see the enemy wants you to take on the pain that was inflicted and denial causes you to assume the blame, pain and then you’re on a downward spiral to where it affects you mentally. I’ll be honest; this is something I had to realize. If unresolved pain isn’t resolved, and it’s denied, triggers have a way to cause the pain to be infected. Years ago, I experienced it, and it shook me to the core.

This might be off subject, but it still applies to the denial concept. On a normal scheme of things, if parents are walking with God, the parent loves the child unconditionally – there is nothing the child could do to make the parent stop loving the child. But of course, not every parent walks with God, and the parent puts conditions on the child (if you do this or that, say this or that, that will prove that you love me – otherwise, my love for you is conditionally). When parents walk with God, a child could say I hate their parents, the parents won’t stop loving and/or praying for them. When parents aren’t walking with God and the child says not only do they hate them, or questions why did they allow the abuse to happen to them, the parent will deny and wonder, “what did I do wrong?” and they deny what’s really going on within them. Then everything goes downhill, to include blame shifting (now everyone becomes the source of their own problem). That’s not healthy for anybody, and it’s just pure denial. I pray this paragraphs sets victims of this kind of abuse free (if you had parents who were manipulative – and denying it till the cows come home), and those who are living in pure denial. If you read Part 14: Distorted View of God, when a child is loved conditionally, this love can create a distorted view of God (and when a parent denies or neglects a child, it creates a distorted view of God to the point that their foundation of who God is to them is on shaky, if not stony ground). And when an adult (who is still longing for the approval from the parent, when the parent neglected them) is trying to discover who God is, it’s distorted (which is all a setup by the devil, not God). Refer back to the blogpost from yesterday on this. This paragraph here is really describing denial that indirectly affects you when you weren’t the one who caused it.

So what we have discovered here in this blogpost is that denial can either start with us, or be passed down from generations. Now, the decision has to be made if you want to be free and made whole from the mask of denial.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 14: Distorted View of God)

Before I begin this blogpost, some of you, just based on the title may be thinking, “Who does he think he is? My view of God isn’t distorted!” Well, before you discount this blogpost, I want you to understand the perspective I’m about to write from, I promise you it’ll all make sense. I dedicate this blogpost especially to women who have been abused in childhood and/or grew up without a father in the home (or had a father there but was not present emotionally, or enabled the mother to be abusive).

I’ve talked to many women in my lifetime who have shared their story of abuse with me, and I think of one person in particular. I believe her story will show that there are many who are walking around with a distorted view of God. One day, about a month after the passing of my father, a woman posted a suicide note on social media. People ridiculed her and started to become overly spiritual with her, so I sent her an inbox to call me if she happened to get that message. Well, she called me, and proceeded to tell me her story. This woman, at the time, was between her late 20s and early 30s. She shared with me that when she was under the age of six, her father, a minister at a denominational church, molested her and would pass her off to her much older brother (in his late teens). According to her, they told her that she initiated it and wanted it. I had to tell her that there was no way she could initiate anything being so young, and most importantly it was not her fault.

I want to use this story to pull out a few points that clearly define a distorted view of God, and I must say that it’s not the victim’s fault. But the victim can now do something about it, which I will explain as this blogpost progresses.

The first point that I want to make is the fact that her father took advantage of a child who has does not have the capacity to think like an adult. And because he is a minister of the gospel, what does the child think? Her father is like God, and God endorses the ill treatment of His children. That of course is a lie from the pit of hell.

The second point piggybacks off the first point. If the father was never in the home, and if God is a Father, then that would signify that God isn’t there when the child needs Him the most. Thankfully, God is not like a natural father. Humans treat others cruel as a result of sin in the world; God can’t sin because He watches over His Word to perform it.

The third point is that this woman’s father lied to the child saying that she initiated the sex act. Then this will indicate that God can’t be trusted as a result of what the father did the child, if God is supposed to be a Father. And it also gives hints that God endorses abuse. That of course is a lie from the pit of hell. Man lies; God is not a man that He should lie!

If you look at those three points, there are many people who have suffered abuse that could relate to at least one of the three points. Just know that God is not like a natural father.

Let me say this, first and foremost, I’m sorry for any abuse you endured. God does not endorse this type of abuse. It’s recorded in the book of Matthew where Jesus states the following: “Whoever causes one of these little ones (children) who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (18:6). Another way of saying this would go (using the Message Bible): “But if you give them (children) a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t. You’d be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time! Hard times are inevitable, but you don’t have to make it worse—and it’s doomsday to you if you do.” So, we have here that God does not endorse abuse, and it’s more of a tragedy for a minister of the gospel to abuse a child and/or lie to a child (saying they initiated the abuse, or just manipulating the child). That is pure church abuse (which brings about church hurt). Know that you can heal, but keep in mind that man is fallen, God is not, as He is eternal. Separate the two and know they have to account to God. Keep reading, as I will share on how to get a right view of who God is. If you are an adult, and didn’t grow up with an earthly father, my heart goes out to you. I have more to say on that in just a moment. God does not take advantage of His children. He loves them and nurtures and as you can see from the passage above, He loves children and does not tolerate when adults abuse children. God doesn’t lie to His children because He is the Truth. Man unfortunately will lie to children, and when they do, it skews their perception of God.  So where does this distortion come from? Very simple, the devil! He doesn’t want children to know who God really is. God is so irresistible, that you can’t help but love Him once you understand who He really is. Society and the nuclear family structure is doing all they can to equate God to people, and there is no comparison. I’ll be honest; I thought my view of God was like my parents. Think about it, a child looks up to their parents, and when a parent fails them, their view of the world is negative (granted, mine was on many levels – this is why I go about changing the world the way I do).  Because their view of the world is negative, they’ll equate God like their parents and will be turned off from God.

I want to keep my promise and address those who didn’t grow up with a father (or perhaps the father was home, but was either absent, or was an enabler to a narcissist), you may have what’s called an “orphan spirit.” What’s that? Bishop Joseph Mattera (whom I quoted in Part 7: The Bitter Pill) has this to say about the orphan spirit:

Ever since Adam and Eve were alienated from God the Father in the Garden of Eden, an orphan spirit has permeated the earth, causing untold damage! (By “orphan,” I am referring to a sense of abandonment, loneliness, alienation and isolation.) Almost immediately after the fall in Eden, the fruit of this orphan spirit resulted in jealousy, culminating in Cain murdering his brother Abel because God the Father didn’t receive Cain’s offering. To make matters worse, in contemporary society, with the breakup of the nuclear family, large amounts of people are not only alienated from God but are brought up without the loving care and security of their biological fathers.

I believe all of the emotional, physical and spiritual ills of society can be traced to humans feeling alienated from God and their biological fathers.

One blogpost said the following about spiritual orphans (which can cause a distorted view of God):

https://cbgrace.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/how-to-pray-for-an-orphan-spirit/

Spiritual orphans are the result of several things.  The Bible indicates that when father’s and children’s hearts are turned from each other, a curse can result.   I am not sure about you, but I think we are there.  One of the great things about God is we can start over.    The church has allowed the attitudes and ideas of the world to infiltrate it.  With divorce and unwed mother rates soaring, western cultures have begun to embrace the idea that fathers as disposable and unnecessary.  Many individuals will live their entire lives without a healthy relationship with their father or a father figure.  Fathers have let down their children; they have abandoned and not pursued their own children.   Another attitude we have seen reflected in the church is that the “younger generation” with all their fiery passion is somehow more valuable than the deeply rooted generations that have gone before them.  When society began shuffling the elderly off to nursing homes, the attitude in our churches changed as well.   Most churches market to younger people.  Meanwhile, our older generation has thrown in the towel.  They no longer want to invest in a generation that devalued them.  Rejection begets rejection.

I want to address how to handle the orphan spirit but first we must identify it.

Here are some characteristics of the orphan spirit:

1. Unable to put down roots in a church or change churches frequently
2. Always on the look out for something bigger and better
3. Feeling based faith (if it feels good, feels right, etc then I will follow it).
4. Need recognition
5. Easily offended
6. Feelings of abandonment even when one has not been abandoned
7. Attitude of “No one is going to tell me what to do”
8. Attitude of “I know…” (unteachable)
9. Survivalist Mentality always looking out for oneself
10. Never truly comfortable in the presence of anointed spiritual father
11. Reject others before they can be rejected

In closing, a friend of mine (Joy Robinson) said this (and I believe this will allow you to be made whole from your distorted view of God):

When you have an orphan heart, you have a distorted view of God the Father. A son or daughter can accept correction and discipline because they know they are loved. But an orphan heart has difficulty accepting correction and coming into alignment with God’s plan for their life. Orphans have deep trust issues and consequently they will bail out first in an effort to avoid hurt. But daughters know that they are accepted in the Beloved already. Here are some declarations of being loved that sons and daughters should walk in: 

1. Because I am loved by God, I do not fear being unloved by people so I don’t have to do anything to earn love from anyone God nor people I don’t have to keep track of who loves me and who doesn’t.
2. Because I am loved by God, I am not envious of anyone or anything anyone has. I already have the most precious treasure in the world, the love of God.
3. Because I am loved by God I do not have to retaliate against anyone who wrong with me because nothing they can do to me could diminish God’s love for me by a millimeter because I am loved by God I do not have to retaliate against anyone who wrong with me because nothing they can do to me could diminish God’s love for me by a millimeter!
4. Because I am loved by God, I do not have to seek revenge in an attempt to even the score because the balance of God’s love for me was not and cannot be disturbed by anything anyone does.
5. Because I am loved by God, I do not have to hold grudges because note that any person owes me could ever out measure the balance of the love account got hat for me.
6. Because I am loved by God, I do not have to withhold love from anyone because God‘s love for me is not diminished by me loving someone else. My love tank does not go down from loving someone else. I am not in danger of running out of love because God is my source of love, not people.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 13: The Letter)

Hey Special One,

As you read this, I want to you know that you are beautiful, you are special, and most importantly, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And for anyone to tell you otherwise, is not telling you the truth, nor is what they say that’s not who you really are the truth. So, let’s shine the light over that lie.

I see the best in you and most importantly, the God that I serve sees the best in you. I don’t know who discounted you or wrote you off during your childhood. Was it your mother, your father, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your grandparents, or was it other extended family members to include friends of family? I also don’t know who is currently discounting your true identity or worth right now, is it the man or woman that’s in your life? Is it a co-worker, or a stranger that really doesn’t know who you really are? It may be time to cut those ties, because your associates will either add value to you or devalue you. And I’ll say this, those who discount you, are actually devaluing you.

Whoever told you that you need to be the talk of the town and that you need to just be popular – just to get attention – is lying to you. I know your childhood wasn’t picture perfect, and neither was mine. May I encourage you right now and tell you that you are not your past. You are not what your abuser said that you are. You can be free, healed and whole. I know you have dreams, aspirations and goals. May I say that you may not be mentally ready for some of them just yet? There is a growing process that has to take place, and it starts with being comfortable in your own skin. So, you must ask yourself, do you love you? When you look in the mirror when you’re by yourself, what do you see? Do you see your past, your pain, your shortcomings, or possibly your mistakes? If you do, do you believe that you can learn from them, grow from them so you can eventually declare what was mentioned in the first paragraph that truly is your identity? No man, woman or other human being will ever love you unconditionally than God. And let me say that you don’t have to compete with others for your attention; you are beautiful just as you are. I see the pain when I look at you, and I know that you are doing all you can to masquerade it, but there are consequences if you’re not careful.

Whoever told you that you need to be a certain shape or size just so you can be attractive, is lying to you. Whoever told you that love has to hurt is lying to you. I know you are strong, and I don’t deny it, and when I look at you, I see the pain and the tears that you are holding on to because of the situations you’ve put yourself in. I know you are fearful of the next step in your life. Just know that fear paralyzes, and faith sets you free. You are more than what people say they are and you don’t have to live up to other people’s expectations. That old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is a lie from the pit of hell! Words have the power to hurt or heal. And you are not the negative words that clearly devalue who you really are. The people who talk down to you are people that are trying to build themselves up at your expense. Let them go, as they will do what they can to destroy you with their words. May I encourage you right now and tell you that you are not your past. You are not what your abuser said that you are. I know you are carrying a weight (not physical weight, I’m talking about weight of fears, hurt, shame, etc.), which is actually a burden, but our human bodies aren’t built to carry that weight. You can be free, healed and whole. I know you have dreams, aspirations and goals. Write down who you really want to be and desire to have in your life. So, you must ask yourself, do you love you? When you look in the mirror when you’re by yourself, what do you see? Do you see your past, your pain, your shortcomings, or possibly your mistakes? If you do, do you believe that you can learn from them, grow from them so you can eventually declare what was mentioned in the first paragraph that truly is your identity? No man, woman or other human being will ever love you unconditionally than God. And let me say that you don’t have to compete with others for your attention; you are beautiful just as you are. Once you divorce yourself from the opinions of others, you enter another dimension.

Just know my special one, you are uniquely gifted, and there is no one like you. Despite what you’re going through physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually, God loves you and He is not punishing you. He has nothing but love for you, and I do too. May His peace surpass all of your understanding, and know that you can be free, healed and whole from everything that you’ve been through in your life. He can give you beauty for the ashes that you’ve accumulated in your life and He can restore your broken self-worth/self-identity if you will let Him.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man