I hope everyone enjoyed his or her fabulous Thanksgiving.
When it comes to this particular blogpost, I know, I know, I’m rather late; I
initially started writing this blogpost back in April of this year, but a lot
has transpired this year for me, so I cease from procrastinating and finish
this much needed blogpost. I don’t know about you, but this year has been a
year of change for me. As I think about this year as a whole, there are many
people (whether they will admit it or not) living in denial. Have you ever
looked at someone and see the beauty of someone, but if you look into their
eyes and sometimes listen to their words, you can see and/or hear the pain that
they’re trying so hard to keep inside. They know they need to alter their
mindset, or make a change on the inside, but they refuse to (and end up doing
the same things over and over again expecting different results). Now that’s
just one area. Let’s take this up a notch.
As you can see, this blogpost is dealing with the mask of
denial. Where we know something is wrong, but we just don’t want to deal with
it because it’s too messy, or it’s a matter of “I’ve got this under control,”
when the truth is, you don’t! That’s denial. Have you ever been in a
relationship when a man who was totally at fault, stepping out of the
relationship, cheating, lying to you, and your healing process consists of you
attacking them in the following manner, “Where were you? See, this is why I
don’t trust you. You don’t respond to my texts when I text you? What! You don’t
love me? Your words say one thing, but I just don’t trust you! I called your
job, and they told me that you weren’t there. In fact, your friends told me
that you skipped work! Give me your passwords to your social media accounts and
your phone! Let me see who you’re texting?” And the other person says, “Where’s
my privacy? You don’t trust me?” Would you say this is a case of jealousy or
trust issues? I’ve never been in this situation before that I just type
(thankfully), but I know these situations do happen in real life and on the TV
screen. If I were to analyze this, there are issues that both parties have to
address. The one doing the attacking is possibly struggling with trust and lack
of it that he/she received during the course of their upbringing. The one who
was asking, “Where’s my privacy?” actually provided no trust in the
relationship for whatever reason. The last thing anyone should do is to not
address it only to go through the same thing over and over expecting different
results in a different relationship. For the one doing the accusing, it would
appear that their heart is troubled (and Jesus said to let not our heart be
troubled); for the one accused, there’s some hurt within too where they’re not
standing up for themselves. So, because they don’t address the hurt, they’re in
essence denying the hurt inside. Dealing with hurts inside requires one to own
their process. This is how effective change takes place. This is something I’m
working through in my life as I look at some areas where I am damaged, fearful,
and feeling bound in certain areas. I have to own my process, and stop denying
or procrastinate in making a change about it.
But let’s take the above paragraph another level. Sometimes
the person doing the accusing may do this and there was never a violation in
the first place. In other words, the accused is actually innocent, but the
accuser is so used to being betrayed in the past (from the past – whether it be
bad relationships, or upbringing), that now, they’re playing the doctor/nurse
and just want to operate on something that doesn’t need surgery at all. So this
could possibly be denial of what they’re experiencing in their mind and heart. The
way this denial is expressed is very extreme. If you really look closely at the
situation, the accuser just wants to be safe and secure. If you deny being
truly safe and secure (and you just isolate yourself without God’s Word in your
spirit), you can never be whole from this feeling that’s within you.
Think about this, have you ever said, “Are you feeling me?”
only to just share your thoughts and describing your feelings. Feeling really
requires one word, such as “I feel abandoned. I feel hurt.” Those are examples.
When you do that, it actually helps you get in touch with what you are going
through. This requires your thoughts to be separated from what you feel. Are
you willing to understand your process? When there’s pain inflicted on someone,
that pain is felt by the person who’s hurt and the response from the person who
they hurt that now the person who did wrong has to bear. The key here is to
stop denying the pain you really feel – regardless if it’s someone who’s
currently in your life, or someone who’s no longer in your life. Let it go and
let God create in you a clean heart. If your heart isn’t clean, the devil will
allow you to stay in that hurt, and your heart will continue to bleed and will
never heal. This is why I am always conscious of what I say and do to others,
because I know that my wrongs don’t affect others, they affect me too. Staying
in denial doesn’t hurt just you; it hurts others who are around you. For many,
they’ll stay in denial because of the fear of the unknown. You’re not mean to
go through this alone, that’s why Jesus said to take His yoke because it’s easy
and His burden is light. Your body isn’t built to carry burdens. Carrying them
just to have someone to carry is really pride (which the devil thrives on).
Did you know that faultfinding is a form of denial? What am
I talking about, you might ask. This is where you strive to seek the bad/wrong
in every person you are entering a relationship with, and the problems with the
relationship are on them and not you. You use faultfinding as a weapon as
needed so that you can take the nearest exit out of the door. A lot of this
faultfinding is hinged on something you’ve experienced in your life. Would you
agree or disagree? Think about this one. I know it hurts, but this could
actually hinge on self-sabotage (mentioned in Part 12: Restoration of “Self”).
If you have ever justified your denial, you will probably
relate to this part right here. If I deny the pain that I experienced in my
abuse (like I did during my teen years) and justify it, then I’m really wearing
the mask of “everything is fine,” when the truth is, I’m broken, battered and
beaten. Sadly, society and some churches want you to have the mask on and stay
in denial (without helping you cope with the pain that you have to take to bed
with you every night). Denying my abuse and justifying it looks like this, “if
you have protected me, then I wouldn’t hate you as much as I do now!” In a
relationship, it will look like this, “I am single because the last man I had
punched me in the face, talked down to me, cheated on me, wanted to have a
threesome, etc.).” If someone violated your trust, you can easily project that
on people who didn’t harm you and justify your reason for being extremely
jealous. In other words, this justification of your behavior is denying that
you have the ultimate responsibility for how you conduct your life – and you’re
blaming other people for your actions.” The beauty of God is that He’s not
judging you as hard as you are judging yourself. Your behavior is a work, and
it’s not the grounds for your salvation. Religion (and the devil) will tell you
that your behavior determines your salvation, and that’s a lie! And on that
note, don’t deny your true feelings when you’re talking to God, He already
knows and He’s not judging you, like man does!
When it comes to sexual abuse, we deny because of the shame
that it’s placed on us as well as the pain that was afflicted on us (I will
address the root cause of the pain which will be called Church Hurt, so stay
tuned). I have met so many people who have denied their pain and I remember
having to tell someone, “If you continue to deny your abuse, if a trigger
happens and you haven’t dealt with it, you will explode.” Yes, the pain and the
hurt you experienced was not your fault, you see the enemy wants you to take on
the pain that was inflicted and denial causes you to assume the blame, pain and
then you’re on a downward spiral to where it affects you mentally. I’ll be
honest; this is something I had to realize. If unresolved pain isn’t resolved,
and it’s denied, triggers have a way to cause the pain to be infected. Years
ago, I experienced it, and it shook me to the core.
This might be off subject, but it still applies to the
denial concept. On a normal scheme of things, if parents are walking with God, the
parent loves the child unconditionally – there is nothing the child could do to
make the parent stop loving the child. But of course, not every parent walks
with God, and the parent puts conditions on the child (if you do this or that,
say this or that, that will prove that you love me – otherwise, my love for you
is conditionally). When parents walk with God, a child could say I hate their
parents, the parents won’t stop loving and/or praying for them. When parents
aren’t walking with God and the child says not only do they hate them, or
questions why did they allow the abuse to happen to them, the parent will deny
and wonder, “what did I do wrong?” and they deny what’s really going on within
them. Then everything goes downhill, to include blame shifting (now everyone
becomes the source of their own problem). That’s not healthy for anybody, and
it’s just pure denial. I pray this paragraphs sets victims of this kind of
abuse free (if you had parents who were manipulative – and denying it till the
cows come home), and those who are living in pure denial. If you read Part 14:
Distorted View of God, when a child is loved conditionally, this love can
create a distorted view of God (and when a parent denies or neglects a child,
it creates a distorted view of God to the point that their foundation of who
God is to them is on shaky, if not stony ground). And when an adult (who is
still longing for the approval from the parent, when the parent neglected them)
is trying to discover who God is, it’s distorted (which is all a setup by the
devil, not God). Refer back to the blogpost from yesterday on this. This
paragraph here is really describing denial that indirectly affects you when you
weren’t the one who caused it.
So what we have discovered here in this blogpost is that
denial can either start with us, or be passed down from generations. Now, the
decision has to be made if you want to be free and made whole from the mask of denial.
Blessings,
The Mayne Man
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