Wednesday, February 17, 2016

My Healing Journey (Part 1)

If you're reading this blog and are living with Aspergers (Autism) and/or PTSD, I welcome you to my journey of healing. One of the reasons why I love writing is because it's therapy and my desire is to write to right the broken soul (mine and yours). So, I thank you for accompanying me on this journey to healing. Even though we may have Autism and/or PTSD, we can be very thankful that there's a healing for the anxiety as a result of it. Of course, there's a cure for PTSD; however, Autism is a different story. But as I have learned, Autism is actually a gift (I'll share more on that as I share part of my journey with you all). So let's get up close and personal as we heal together (in fact, lift your hands up in victory)!

I heard someone say that the better neurotypicals (non-autistics) understand our journey, the more acceptance and support we will receive from them. Well, when I was diagnosed with it in 2014, very few people were very supportive with me. But I know that for some people, my anxiety disturbs them and I can totally understand (some know that it's due to autism). One of my dearest friends recommended that I looked into a support group, and I did. I'll be honest; anxiety and stability are the two things I struggle with the most. I'm others have told anyone who struggles with anxiety that if they would just learn to relax; the anxiety would go away.  Well, it's not that easy (especially if you have Aspergers/Autism). Over a period of time, the anxiety-filled memories from childhood become locked in our brains, tending to make the anxiety stick with us throughout our lives (I'm a living witness to that). When you think about it, Autism breeds other disorders such as OCD, PTSD, and different forms of anxiety.

If you could watch my life via a movie throughout my school years, you would find an anxious boy. Some would even call it obnoxious due to trying to find my place in this world (as Michael W. Smith would say). Fear was my best friend at home and at school (I didn't experience that much fear during my last three years of high school though). What were my greatest fears? Well at home, it was the belt. This is not an attack on my parents by any means. If I received notes to take home from elementary school that stated that my behavior was terrible or that stated I called out a great deal, I had to fear the belt. There were times I would come home and hide under the bed because I knew that a belt was waiting for me. At school (especially my freshman year in high school), I was bullied because most of the upper classman knew my uncle (and him molesting me), so that made me fresh meat! So, the world was a scary place for me, and as a result, I lived most of my teen years in isolation. Now some would say that I had no reason to be anxious during that time, if only you knew. Now that I'm an adult, I still have to face these fears, just in a different way. One of my first jobs out of college was working as a teller at a bank. I was written up mainly because I didn't gossip with the co-workers. The write-up did indicate that I dressed professionally, I was never rude to my co-workers or to customers and I did my job in excellence. But it was the one negative thing that was harped on. And truthfully, that was my life at home. Never mind the good things I did, it would be the one thing that was harped on. In fact, during my 5th grade year (this was the year of my molestation), my grades were average - wasn't failing in any subject, but my behavior was atrocious. My parents didn't know about the molestation, but they sure harped on my behavior and bypassed my grades. As an adult, I struggle with social situations. One of my dear friends said to me that she could spot me out in a group photo, which is usually buried in the back to myself. And truthfully, that's due to my inner anxiety. Now some would say, just come out my shell. It's easier said than done. But not to worry, I will journal more as I am on the path to healing from the anxiety that Aspergers brings.


The Mayne Man

When Life Beats You Up

I was sitting in my office last Thursday and this topic was dropped on my spirit. So, I was wrestled within my mind deciding if I wanted to release this in two parts. Well, it will be in two parts, in this blogpost. So, I pray that you are relaxed and that you hear my heart as I’m writing to write the broken soul. Let’s begin.

(Part 1 of 2)

This part was dropped on my spirit 2/11/16 at 11:49am.  If you are broken, beaten and battered due to life (but especially because of what another human being did to you), always remember that the devil is behind the pain and the shame and he wants you to take the blame for it. If you ask me if there's an agenda to what the devil is doing with this pain, shame and blame, I will tell you it's to steal, kill and destroy your life. If you are volunteering to remain bitter because of what you allowed the devil to do to you (or because of what he did to you), you are indirectly giving the devil power over you. Know that you are saved, but simply oppressed, that's all. I'm also not saying that you don't have a right to grieve over it. The focus here is the choice of healing and moving forward. Will I agree when you say you need time to heal from what life has done to you? Yes. Will I understand when you say your faith is wavering as a result of life? Yes. Do I disagree when people say that you should give thanks FOR all that you have been through? Absolutely!!!! Did you deserve all that you have been through? Absolutely not!!! Why did it happen? It’s because of sin in the world and the devil, plain and simple. Notice that I didn't say that you're the blame for this.

(Part 2 of 2)
You see we all have to walk through this path called life. I’ll be the first to tell you that’s not easy. Many of you know my story, but for the benefit of those who don’t know, I suffered under the hand of abuse within my family, and a few years back, I wanted to end my life due to the pressures of life. I have been rejected, abandoned and neglected at certain points of my life. To me, that’s life beating me to the core. I could easily have asked, “why me? Why do I have to suffer?” Are my questions legitimate? Absolutely!  

So how can you and I be able to stand tall when life beats you up? If you feel that you can’t get up, know that a just man (I’m talking to you my brother and sister) may fall seven times, he still gets up. Let life know that I’m not quitting until it’s time for me to leave the earth. Don’t go before your time. One way to stand tall when life beats you up is to have the truth in your heart, put that on your waist; you need the shield of faith – it’s your faith that overcomes the world and anything it throws. You’re not out for the count – the devil wants you out! I could go on and on, but I believe you get the point.

In closing, know this: Sometimes things happen that we know not the reason for... bad things, even when we are not the one in sin. It's called life. It's in the knowing that God is still with us, that God still loves us... it's in knowing that we can find the hope to move forward and receive God's peace.


The Mayne Man

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Why We Blame God For Our Screw-Ups

This blogpost was just dropped in my spirit. You know, as humans, we have the propensity to blame people for things that we did wrong and never accept responsibility. Now let me qualify a screw-up for this blogpost. A screw-up is where you actually do something knowing full well that you should not be involved. I’m not talking about blindsides (or things you eventually find out later on due to deception in the other person).

I’m going to use relationships as an example for this blogpost. About two weeks ago, someone was sharing with me about their frustration with relationships and as a result their faith in men and with God is hanging in the balance. In fact, their quote to me was this, “I tried to a relationship my way, and it didn’t work; I tried to do a relationship God’s way, and it didn’t work.” May I stop the car Fred Flintstone style? You tried it God’s way and it didn’t work? First and foremost, God never makes mistakes and to add to that, He can’t lie. The beauty of God is free will. Now, it’s sad that legalism is so bad that people either feel condemned or those who are grieving over their screw-ups to the point that listening to God in certain areas is hindered.

I said that God doesn’t make mistakes and He can’t lie. Ok, I was looking up some scriptures to a book that I finished reading a few days ago, and one scripture spoke to me clearly.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15 from the Message Bible says “Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands?”

There are so many Christians who know full well that the person that they are going to marry rejects God or isn’t even thinking about God. Again, I’m not referring to those who find out that the person they married was a counterfeit after the vows were taken. It breaks my heart to hear people blame God when people knew they were unequally yoked from the start and the marriage goes south. Do I believe God would have you marry an unbeliever? No! You’re part of a family (the family of Christ). 

Let’s talk more about unequally yoked (that’s how it’s stated in the King James version and New King James Version). It’s not just believers yoking with unbelievers. It can be extended further to areas of healing (one agrees with divine healing and the other doesn’t), giving, and many other things that I didn’t mention.

So what am I saying here? God watches over His Word to perform it. He wants us to walk in the fullness of Him to have the abundant life that He’s promised us. Why do we blame God for our screw-ups? Because we think that God is going to protect us in every area of our lives. He will protect us and is constantly protecting us; however, because He loves us so much, He has given us free will. Think about it, He told Adam that he can eat from every tree except one. Adam made the choice and ate and then said, God, the woman You gave me (was the problem). That’s where the blaming God started. Another reason we blame God is because we don’t really want to reap the consequences of our mistakes. I don’t know about you, I used to be disciplined a lot, and I hated when my punishments were delayed. If you add the anxiety I had during childhood due to Aspergers, it was torture. I was like, let’s this discipline over with. The beauty of God is that 1 John 1:9 says if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us! Don’t give a care about what others say and do – many will want you to feel worse than you what you currently feel, that’s their pride and a screw-up they need to confess. Take ownership of your faults, learn from them ad then launch onto what God has planned for you. You may think you’re out for the count because of your screw-up, and the devil is going to do all he can to make you think you’re out for the count because of your screw-up, but God hasn’t counted you out! He never counts anyone out.  

Before I close, I do want to address this point. If you were blindsided, deceived in the realm of relationships, you are innocent and God is going to deal with that deceiver. Now, my prayer is that you gained a valuable lesson on discernment, and now your prayer life has taken on a new meaning, and that you are allowing God to heal every wound that you have (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and financial). Don’t be afraid to put your life on the altar. You matter to Him, but it’s my prayer that we take responsibility for the things that we know we did that are contrary to God’s standard and confess it to Him. You can’t hide it from Him; He already knows you’re struggling with it on your own and He knows it’s wearing you down. He wants it so you can be free to live!


The Mayne Man