Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 15: Denial)

I hope everyone enjoyed his or her fabulous Thanksgiving. When it comes to this particular blogpost, I know, I know, I’m rather late; I initially started writing this blogpost back in April of this year, but a lot has transpired this year for me, so I cease from procrastinating and finish this much needed blogpost. I don’t know about you, but this year has been a year of change for me. As I think about this year as a whole, there are many people (whether they will admit it or not) living in denial. Have you ever looked at someone and see the beauty of someone, but if you look into their eyes and sometimes listen to their words, you can see and/or hear the pain that they’re trying so hard to keep inside. They know they need to alter their mindset, or make a change on the inside, but they refuse to (and end up doing the same things over and over again expecting different results). Now that’s just one area. Let’s take this up a notch.

As you can see, this blogpost is dealing with the mask of denial. Where we know something is wrong, but we just don’t want to deal with it because it’s too messy, or it’s a matter of “I’ve got this under control,” when the truth is, you don’t! That’s denial. Have you ever been in a relationship when a man who was totally at fault, stepping out of the relationship, cheating, lying to you, and your healing process consists of you attacking them in the following manner, “Where were you? See, this is why I don’t trust you. You don’t respond to my texts when I text you? What! You don’t love me? Your words say one thing, but I just don’t trust you! I called your job, and they told me that you weren’t there. In fact, your friends told me that you skipped work! Give me your passwords to your social media accounts and your phone! Let me see who you’re texting?” And the other person says, “Where’s my privacy? You don’t trust me?” Would you say this is a case of jealousy or trust issues? I’ve never been in this situation before that I just type (thankfully), but I know these situations do happen in real life and on the TV screen. If I were to analyze this, there are issues that both parties have to address. The one doing the attacking is possibly struggling with trust and lack of it that he/she received during the course of their upbringing. The one who was asking, “Where’s my privacy?” actually provided no trust in the relationship for whatever reason. The last thing anyone should do is to not address it only to go through the same thing over and over expecting different results in a different relationship. For the one doing the accusing, it would appear that their heart is troubled (and Jesus said to let not our heart be troubled); for the one accused, there’s some hurt within too where they’re not standing up for themselves. So, because they don’t address the hurt, they’re in essence denying the hurt inside. Dealing with hurts inside requires one to own their process. This is how effective change takes place. This is something I’m working through in my life as I look at some areas where I am damaged, fearful, and feeling bound in certain areas. I have to own my process, and stop denying or procrastinate in making a change about it.

But let’s take the above paragraph another level. Sometimes the person doing the accusing may do this and there was never a violation in the first place. In other words, the accused is actually innocent, but the accuser is so used to being betrayed in the past (from the past – whether it be bad relationships, or upbringing), that now, they’re playing the doctor/nurse and just want to operate on something that doesn’t need surgery at all. So this could possibly be denial of what they’re experiencing in their mind and heart. The way this denial is expressed is very extreme. If you really look closely at the situation, the accuser just wants to be safe and secure. If you deny being truly safe and secure (and you just isolate yourself without God’s Word in your spirit), you can never be whole from this feeling that’s within you.

Think about this, have you ever said, “Are you feeling me?” only to just share your thoughts and describing your feelings. Feeling really requires one word, such as “I feel abandoned. I feel hurt.” Those are examples. When you do that, it actually helps you get in touch with what you are going through. This requires your thoughts to be separated from what you feel. Are you willing to understand your process? When there’s pain inflicted on someone, that pain is felt by the person who’s hurt and the response from the person who they hurt that now the person who did wrong has to bear. The key here is to stop denying the pain you really feel – regardless if it’s someone who’s currently in your life, or someone who’s no longer in your life. Let it go and let God create in you a clean heart. If your heart isn’t clean, the devil will allow you to stay in that hurt, and your heart will continue to bleed and will never heal. This is why I am always conscious of what I say and do to others, because I know that my wrongs don’t affect others, they affect me too. Staying in denial doesn’t hurt just you; it hurts others who are around you. For many, they’ll stay in denial because of the fear of the unknown. You’re not mean to go through this alone, that’s why Jesus said to take His yoke because it’s easy and His burden is light. Your body isn’t built to carry burdens. Carrying them just to have someone to carry is really pride (which the devil thrives on).

Did you know that faultfinding is a form of denial? What am I talking about, you might ask. This is where you strive to seek the bad/wrong in every person you are entering a relationship with, and the problems with the relationship are on them and not you. You use faultfinding as a weapon as needed so that you can take the nearest exit out of the door. A lot of this faultfinding is hinged on something you’ve experienced in your life. Would you agree or disagree? Think about this one. I know it hurts, but this could actually hinge on self-sabotage (mentioned in Part 12: Restoration of “Self”).

If you have ever justified your denial, you will probably relate to this part right here. If I deny the pain that I experienced in my abuse (like I did during my teen years) and justify it, then I’m really wearing the mask of “everything is fine,” when the truth is, I’m broken, battered and beaten. Sadly, society and some churches want you to have the mask on and stay in denial (without helping you cope with the pain that you have to take to bed with you every night). Denying my abuse and justifying it looks like this, “if you have protected me, then I wouldn’t hate you as much as I do now!” In a relationship, it will look like this, “I am single because the last man I had punched me in the face, talked down to me, cheated on me, wanted to have a threesome, etc.).” If someone violated your trust, you can easily project that on people who didn’t harm you and justify your reason for being extremely jealous. In other words, this justification of your behavior is denying that you have the ultimate responsibility for how you conduct your life – and you’re blaming other people for your actions.” The beauty of God is that He’s not judging you as hard as you are judging yourself. Your behavior is a work, and it’s not the grounds for your salvation. Religion (and the devil) will tell you that your behavior determines your salvation, and that’s a lie! And on that note, don’t deny your true feelings when you’re talking to God, He already knows and He’s not judging you, like man does!

When it comes to sexual abuse, we deny because of the shame that it’s placed on us as well as the pain that was afflicted on us (I will address the root cause of the pain which will be called Church Hurt, so stay tuned). I have met so many people who have denied their pain and I remember having to tell someone, “If you continue to deny your abuse, if a trigger happens and you haven’t dealt with it, you will explode.” Yes, the pain and the hurt you experienced was not your fault, you see the enemy wants you to take on the pain that was inflicted and denial causes you to assume the blame, pain and then you’re on a downward spiral to where it affects you mentally. I’ll be honest; this is something I had to realize. If unresolved pain isn’t resolved, and it’s denied, triggers have a way to cause the pain to be infected. Years ago, I experienced it, and it shook me to the core.

This might be off subject, but it still applies to the denial concept. On a normal scheme of things, if parents are walking with God, the parent loves the child unconditionally – there is nothing the child could do to make the parent stop loving the child. But of course, not every parent walks with God, and the parent puts conditions on the child (if you do this or that, say this or that, that will prove that you love me – otherwise, my love for you is conditionally). When parents walk with God, a child could say I hate their parents, the parents won’t stop loving and/or praying for them. When parents aren’t walking with God and the child says not only do they hate them, or questions why did they allow the abuse to happen to them, the parent will deny and wonder, “what did I do wrong?” and they deny what’s really going on within them. Then everything goes downhill, to include blame shifting (now everyone becomes the source of their own problem). That’s not healthy for anybody, and it’s just pure denial. I pray this paragraphs sets victims of this kind of abuse free (if you had parents who were manipulative – and denying it till the cows come home), and those who are living in pure denial. If you read Part 14: Distorted View of God, when a child is loved conditionally, this love can create a distorted view of God (and when a parent denies or neglects a child, it creates a distorted view of God to the point that their foundation of who God is to them is on shaky, if not stony ground). And when an adult (who is still longing for the approval from the parent, when the parent neglected them) is trying to discover who God is, it’s distorted (which is all a setup by the devil, not God). Refer back to the blogpost from yesterday on this. This paragraph here is really describing denial that indirectly affects you when you weren’t the one who caused it.

So what we have discovered here in this blogpost is that denial can either start with us, or be passed down from generations. Now, the decision has to be made if you want to be free and made whole from the mask of denial.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 8 - Loss of Childhood)

This past Thursday night, I was leaving a meeting and someone said to me three words, “loss of childhood.” My initial thought was the late and the great, Michael Jackson. I’ll talk about him in just a moment. But at the same time, I had to ask myself, “did I lose my childhood? Is this the cause of the pain that’s in my heart that has caused people throughout my life to say I’m goofy, immature and a whole host of other words that are degrading?” Before talking about my life, let’s look at Michael Jackson’s life for a moment. Despite how the media strove to demonize him and to give them what they wanted, music, drama and stories that would generate attention for their gain and his loss, his childhood was far from perfect.

This is an excerpt from the following articles: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/michael_jackson_lost_childhood.html

https://sites.jmu.edu/103fall14/mj-draft/

As the world learned, however, was that Michael Jackson had a dark side that involved child abuse, neglect, and accusations of child molestation. You find can an entire populace of people with similar history in prison.

It wasn’t enough that Michael suffered a lost childhood. He was never allowed to be own person. His spirit was never free. Instead, his life became a tool for others to make profit of his enormous talent. His father, Joe Jackson, was not a successful man on his own by any means. He was a steel worker during the day, hardly carrying enough change in his pockets for lunch.

To his credit, however, Joe Jackson was a driven man. He played in a band and was a talented guitarist. Perhaps he had dreams playing for record label, but fell victim to the circumstances in his day: poverty, racism, and missed opportunities.

To some, growing old and not fulfilling your lifelong dream is intolerable. Joe Jackson may not have wanted any of that. So, his kids became the pawns for his success. According the Michael and his sister LaToya, Joe Jackson was a tyrant with an iron fist. He ran the household with fear, intimidation, and complete lack of concern about his children’s feelings.

Which Michael at the realm, the Jackson 5 attracted television and record deals. Before they became famous, they would play in small clubs and bars, exposing the underage boys to bar violence, nudity, and alcohol. But their father didn’t care. He would subject his children to anything, good or bad, to achieve fame and fortune. Like many child stars, however, Michael was forced into world that God never meant for children. Michael never experienced a childhood. He was busy making money for his family and for the record labels. He was a moneymaker. Despite the claims from those who say they loved him and showed genuine concern, he was a music moneymaking machine. The self-worth was solely based on that. If he stopped producing, they stopped caring.

When he was 20 years old, Off The Wall was released. Most people at this age are in college, partying, studying for college exams, or thinking of their careers. Michael remained what he was since he was 10, a money making machine. Not a man with feelings, not a man with a spirit, and a human being. He was a money-making machine, the darling of the media, a man with billions of dollars, yet no life.

It’s just human nature to make up for lost experience. It not unusual for teenage moms, as soon as their children are grown, to dress up in sexy garbs, hang out at bars, and date younger men.

Michael’s inner demons were not demons. They were yearnings (yearnings to have the God given right to a normal childhood).

Now many would say, he should’ve gotten over it or he was mature enough to do the things he should do to heal. Well, it’s easier said than done (especially if you don’t have the right support system – and the media will 90% of the time fail at being a support system). Knowing that the devil is the ruler of this world, he will steal your life, kill your life and destroy your life (John 10:10a). And sadly, this was the case for Michael Jackson. Many of you reading this can identify some areas of your life that mirror his. Personally, I grew up to Michael’s music and he is a gifted songwriter (especially with songs that were focused on healing the world).

Before I share a little bit about my life, let me say this first and foremost. Healing is the children’s bread (in other words, we have a right to be healed – but it will require our part). Check out this excerpt about Michael’s childhood:

Michael Jackson was one of the biggest child stars of his time. Many people adored him because he was such a great presence on stage and moved like no one could. He always seemed so happy and carefree on stage, like a child should be. But that was only a facade. Michael was not a happy child. By the time he was 9, it was almost like he was an adult in a child’s body. He would be in school for about three hours a day and then it was straight to recording or interviews or performances. He had no time to be a kid, no time to play or relax, no other friends except for his other siblings. He was lonely, but his father didn’t care, he overworked Michael. Michael would cry from loneliness and become depressed. He would see other children playing and having fun, while he was on his way to the recording studio or rehearsal. There was just no time for Michael to be a real kid.

As Michael Jackson grew up his fame and success skyrocketed. He was eventually able to escape his father’s abusive grasp and become an extremely successful solo recording artist. But as he grew up he began to reach out to the childhood that he lost. Many people judged Michael because he always acted so childish when he grew up. But he was trying to make up for the time he lost. He always loved children because he saw purity and innocence in them and something magical. He loved their imaginations and curiosity. He loved their ability to dream and he drew from this as inspiration. Many people, mainly the press, alleged that he was doing inappropriate, impure things with children. They said that he would have sex and abuse other children. The lines are still blurred on these allegations. But one thing is for sure, if Michael did any of the things held against him, it was because of his messed up childhood.

If only people had understood what he went through and truly understood who he was, then maybe they wouldn’t have made his life so difficult. He changed his face because his father called him ugly when he was a child. He hung around with kids because he never got to play with other kids when he was young. He acted childish and silly when he was older because he never got to when he was a child. His childhood affected him so much and all he wanted to do was make up for lost time. People that don’t know Michael Jackson only judge him based off of what they heard from the media. But most people have no clue what he went through, the emotional and physical turmoil. If only people took the time to learn about him and learn to appreciate what he contributed during his lifetime instead of his mistakes, then maybe they would stop judging him or making fun of him. He was a great man and the whole world should know. It’s not his fault his childhood was so broken.

Sometimes we can be so wrapped up in self that we still opt to blame Michael (and people who suffered under the hand of abuse, neglect) for all that they endured (and that they should have gotten over it). If there was no support group around (or you grew up in a community where the philosophy was “what goes on in the house, stays in the house”), there’s a slim chance that you will get the support and help you need. So, what happens, you end up resorting to destructive means to cope (even if you know that it’s not going to benefit you).

There are certain parts of Michael’s story that I’m able to relate to. And I’ll share right now.

When I was eight years old, life became different for me. I went from being an introvert with Aspergers to an introvert trying to survive. Between the ages of eight and fourteen, I was thrust into adulthood in certain areas, but at the same time, my childhood was stunted as a result of the abuse (verbal, emotional, physical and sexual), bullying and neglect. Many of you know the story about what my uncle did to me, but there’s one aspect of my abuse where one of my abusers was a female relative. Now watch what I’m about to say. Even though she initiated, it wasn’t a one-time thing. I remember my mother asking me 10-11 years after this period, “what did I know at 11 years old.” My response was, “well, if I was in the kitchen with her going from head to toe for about 45 minutes to an hour, apparently I knew what I was doing.” I made a reference to it in my blogpost PCA about being exposed to pornographic movies by my uncle (who molested me) at the age of 11. My response after seeing it was simply, “been there, done that.” As I think about it now, I knew a lot more than I realized.

Anyway, I faced many of the same ridicules and struggles that Michael did (and I’m sure many others who have lost their childhood could say the same).  I’ll list as many struggles that I have seen since the time of my abuse as I can.

• Unusually high level of anger/excessive temper
• Aggression towards family and others
• School problems
• Difficulty concentrating
• Suicidal thoughts or actions
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Acting out in social situations
• Imitating the traumatic event
• Fear of adults who remind them of the trauma
• Sleeplessness
• Irritability
• Inability to trust others or make friends
• Lack of self-confidence
• Loneliness
• Confusion
• Clinginess
• Sexual knowledge beyond the child’s age
• Overreaction to situations
• Re-creation of the traumatic event during play

For some of you reading this, you may have identified with what I experienced above, or you might have experienced some of these below.

• Verbal abuse towards others
• Overly bossy or controlling
• Stomachaches, headaches and other physical complaints
• Fear of being separated from caregiver
• Eating problems such as loss of appetite, low weight or digestion issues
• Nightmares
• Drug or alcohol use
• Hoarding of food

For many of us, these would be considered strongholds over our lives. I am so thankful there’s a way to heal from that. If you’re struggling with this, please don’t wait to get help. If you’re spiritual, pray and/or seek help. A little FYI, it wasn’t until 2008 that I found out that I have PTSD and until 2014 that I found out that I had Aspergers (that went undetected). But know that we have to put in the work to get that spirit of our childhood back. Hold me accountable as I hold you accountable. Don’t care about public eye (they will always try to make you less than, when you are more than).

I want to close this with an excerpt from this article (which is fitting as many of us reading are adults and may be grieving from the loss of childhood). Know that we can be made whole from what we endured from the past. We are survivors! The full article can be read here:

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/adult-grieving-as-a-response-to-childhood-loss-or-trauma/

Most people think of grief as a response to the loss of a loved one, but grief can be a response to any type of loss, including the loss of something that never was (such as a happy childhood).  This post explores the experience of grief in the present as a response to having bad experiences (from abuse, neglect, or trauma) in the past as a child.  Grief of this sort is a necessary and restorative process that permits a person to bring new life and a renewed sense of hope to childhood hardship and deprivation.  Looked at in this way grief allows us to cleanse ourselves of hurt and loss and continue to grow and to expand our sense of ourselves.

Many people do not realize that they may be suffering in the present from having been mistreated, deprived or traumatized as a child.  Partly this is the case, because it is hard to know that something is missing if one has never had the experience of its presence.  If you did not have loving, attentive, nurturing parents who were joyful about life and about you as their child, you might not know that this is something that you lacked.  If you were emotionally abandoned or neglected, you may not know what it is like to be emotionally accompanied or cared for.

Often a person does not begin to grieve their childhood losses until they have reached a point in their lives where in they can emotionally afford to do so.  This may be because the person has found a therapist with whom they feel safe enough or because they find themselves with a social support system that is stable and strong enough for the first time.  The self-compassion borne out of grieving the losses of your childhood makes it clear that you did not deserve the abuse or neglect that you suffered and that you are hurting now because you were hurt then and not because you were bad then.

If you were neglected or abused as a child your emotional or intellectual development may have been truncated.  This may be because you needed to use your energy to protect yourself rather than to grow and develop naturally emotionally and intellectually.  There may not have been opportunities for you to participate in normal, age appropriate activities such as playing, asking hundreds of curious questions, using your imagination, experimenting with language and cause and effect, or to getting to know yourself and your own emotional internal world in an intimate way.  Moreover, these losses and the feelings of grief associated with them may have been unacknowledged or even actively denied by those around you.  In some cases the lack of acknowledgement of loss can be more emotionally devastating than the loss itself.  The grief associated with unacknowledged childhood loss may be outside your awareness, but actively affecting you to this day. 

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 6 - Lemonade)

**Trigger Warning** to those who are still in the healing process. This post may be a little graphic in nature, so please proceed with caution.

Between yesterday and today, this post was imminent. Yesterday, I was watching UnSung and the artist profiled was Miki Howard. And after UnSung was TV One’s featured film entitled Love Under New Management: The Miki Howard Story. For the benefit of those who don’t know who she is, she’s a female vocalist who mainly did R&B as well as jazz (she’s been in the industry as early as the 80s, but really established herself as a female vocalist in 1986/1987). I was just entering middle school when her first solo recording was playing on the radio. I want to use her story as the base (and the inspiration) for this post. Now some of you might be wondering, what does this has to do with lemonade? It’s a great question so let me explain (and this post has absolutely nothing to do with Beyonce’s Lemonade). There’s a saying that goes, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, if you just take water and add lemons to it without adding any sugar, you have sour lemonade. I don’t know about you, but sexual abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse, neglect, abandonment, divorce, death of a loved one are lemons. You didn’t ask for them, so how do you make lemonade out of them? Again, that’s a great question so let me get right into the post by sharing her story and I will answer the question as to how to make lemonade out of all of this as this progresses.

Well, Miki Howard grew up in a musical home. She is the offspring of Josephine Howard, of the gospel group the Caravans, and Clay Graham of the Pilgrim Jubilees. Both her mother and father were gospel mainstays, and her sister could hold her own as well. Part of Howard’s story is having grown up in a household where homosexuality was being practiced. This subject was far more taboo in the 60s than it is today. Coupled that with the fact that her mother was a lesbian gospel singer, one can begin to understand why she may be torn about her relationship with gospel music. That could be one lemon that Miki received. During her childhood, her parents were separated and at one point, Miki was placed in a foster home (and I can’t remember if she has been through 2 foster homes). Either way, her being placed in a foster home could be a lemon that she received. In fact, there was a time that Miki’s mother had a man in the home that even tried to come on to Miki and it was overlooked. Of course, that’s a lemon she received. To add insult to injury, her mother not only took the man's side, she would accuse Miki stating that she was coming on to him. As a result, Josephine threw Miki out when she was only 16 years old. That in my opinion is at least 3-5 lemons (if not more).

One could imagine that when you don’t have that parental love that you so desperately need, you try to find love from the world. And because we know that the devil is the god of this world, the result is not going to be pretty. So, it only made sense for Miki to crave love during her late teen years. She would reveal the following, “Most people, at that age, are out going on dates and they’re learning about men and boys and things like that. I was learning about singing, I was learning the music business and I didn’t have the opportunity to learn the things that you should learn. I lost my mom at 18 years old and the show says it was later, but it was 18. She put me out by the time I was 16. So, there was no parent to tell me. Besides that I grew up in a completely gay environment. So, I had no idea about men. I knew nothing! When I tell you nothing, I mean nothing. I just put them on a pedestal and held them in high esteem, whether they deserved it or not. That’s not a good thing, so I had to learn the hard way that you don’t cast your pearls among swine. There are men that are swine and, most likely, they’re the first ones that come up. When you don’t have a lot of time and you don’t have a lot of knowledge you kind of go with the first Joe. ‘Hey you like me, you love me? Ok, let’s do this!’ I didn’t go to the movies, smooch in a theater or fondle in the backseat of a car. I didn’t do any of those things that teenagers are supposed to do in learning about your sexuality. So, in all of my 20s and early 30s I made serious mistakes with men.”

How many lemons can you find that Miki received during the course of reading the above paragraph? Here’s how many that I found:

• She lost her mother at the age of 18 years old.
• She was put out of the home at the age of 16.
• Depending on your spiritual conviction, her home environment would be one.
• Putting men whether deserved or not, were placed on a pedestal.
• Lack of knowledge as it relates to men and/or the true meaning of sex.

If you are looking at your life and you see yourself in it, please keep reading. I know that this may be hard for you (and granted, I see myself in some of what we’ve been discussing so far), but we are going to get to that place of healing and wholeness together.

When she was 20, she met a man in a singing group who was 28, and she ended up having two children with him. He was very adamant in not marrying her even though that was what she wanted. I’ll let you decide if that is a lemon that she received.

When she was 26 years old, she released her first solo album. And a few years later, she would marry a man named Eddie Phelps. He appeared nice from the beginning, but as the marriage progressed, he blackballed her in the music industry for several years after frequent outbursts with her record companies. Of course, it goes without saying that he physically abused her to the point of breaking her nose. And during the marriage, she ended up being addicted to cocaine. With the help of the late Gerald LeVert, she checked herself into rehab at the turn of the millennium. During the course of her time in rehab, the therapist was calling her a junkie (to the point that she felt degraded, and it’s definitely understandable). When she decided to stick it out in rehab, the therapist asked her a pivotal question, what happened in childhood that may have started all of this? Many people would be like Miki and think that question came out of left field. If you have lived in a state of denial and/or blocked out things that happened, it would make sense to think that. She started sharing about the abuse she endured, and he would nicely state that she has post-traumatic stress syndrome (or we could simply call it PTSD). I’m glad that question was stated because it got to the root of a lot of childhood pain that has been held inside. And truthfully, it can explain every lemon that has been received to cause all of the sourness and bitterness that’s in a hurt soul’s life.

The reason why I wanted to use her story is because I know every abuse survivor can relate to this in some form. And let’s face it, we overcome by the word of our testimony, and the testimonies of others can encourage others to keep going and to fight for their healing. I was very touched by her story and I’m so glad she shared it (as I am in the healing stage of some childhood wounds that I received).

So, if you happened to think of how many lemons you have received in your life, how are you able to make lemonade (and a good one at that)? First, add water to those freshly squeezed lemons (yes, I know the squeezing part is painful, because it consists of rolling it on the counter, and pressing it before cutting it open to be squeezed). But we’re trying to make great lemonade so others can taste it and it is refreshing to their soul when they come to you to drink from the story that you have to share.

Now that you added water to the pitcher where you freshly squeezed those lemons into, we need to add some sugar to it. Don’t stir it just yet. If you noticed, the sugar is all at the bottom. So if you were to drink it, you’ll find that it’s still bitter and sour. This is where some of us are, still bitter because we haven’t made steps to be sweet. Don’t worry, I’m not condemning you, this might be where you are in the healing process. If you’re taking baby steps, I’m with you; and if you’re not ready, I’m with you. We’re in this together.

Now we’re getting ready to stir that sugar in. If you are involved in the faith community like I am, then I will just share one scripture with you from Psalm 119:103 - How sweet are Your words to my taste, Sweeter than honey to my mouth! God’s Word is sweet, that’s the sugar needed in our lemonade. We just need to get that from the bottom of the pitcher and get it stirred into our hearts and any other type of professional help you may get.

So, let’s talk a little bit more about the stirring process. This is the part that many don’t want to go through, because this will affect every part of your inside, and stirring requires some good muscle if you want all of that sugar to dissolve in this lemonade you’re creating. Can I encourage you for a minute? Because you are still alive and are able to read this after all that you’ve been through, you have some muscle. You took every lemon and are on the verge of creating some awesome lemonade. Many of you have shared your lemonade with me, and I have enjoyed it. Likewise, many of you have enjoyed mine even though I’m still in the stirring process. Part of the stirring process will require a thought renewal (and having to fight the urge to quit stirring when you’re right at the point of finishing up your lemonade). If you quit, you’ll just remain bitter lemonade. You were born with such sweetness, and life threw many lemons at you (of course, the horrific lemons you received were not deserved and are no fault of your own). Let me encourage you a little bit more: don’t be discouraged about the time you may have thought you wasted in your life and the time that you lost. But you can get back all the things that you lost in the time that was wasted. The God that I serve is a restorer of all things. I want to challenge you to close the gap between what you what you want to see for your life and where you are right now. Your results are determining by your thoughts. As I challenge you, I want you to challenge me.

Are you ready to finish off the lemonade? Here we go. If you have your wooden spoon out, let’s start stirring until all of the sugar is dissolved and you don’t see anymore in the bottom of the pitcher. That sweetness has overshadowed the pain that you’ve experienced in your past. Make sure that you keep things and/or people away from the sweetened lemonade that you have made that will do everything they can to try and make it bitter again. And cherish those who will stir you to keep your lemonade sweet and ensure that the sweetness that you are doesn’t go to the bottom of the pitcher and it’s unnoticed when people go to partake of it.

Miki’s lemonade was sharing her story on UnSung and creating a TV Movie based on her life. And I was truly blessed by her story and I pray many others will be as they hear.

Of course, I can’t close this blogpost without telling you how many lemons I received in my life. I’m only going to share for the sake of time the obvious lemons I received: physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment and rejection (which will equate to PTSD in a nutshell). My lemonade is still in the stirring process but believe me, if you had a chance to partake of it, it’s refreshing (smile).

If you are in the healing/wholeness process, your lemonade is under way; if you are healed/whole, let others partake and help others make their lemonade great. Healing and wholeness is for us. It’s a promise from God. He wants us to be made whole and for your lemons to truly be lemonade.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 4 - Abuse & Relationships)

This topic was dropped on my spirit on my way to work this morning, and it also disturbed me to the point that I had to talk to God about this on my way home from work. After working out late this afternoon, the real meaning of this was revealed and as a result, here’s a blogpost about a topic that is healing for me, and for those who need a healing as a result of childhood abuse and/or domestic abuse. Please brace yourself for this (and grab some tissue just in case), as we heal together.

The desire to love someone is a beautiful thing. But you know it can be a daunting task if there are some unresolved issues from childhood. I didn’t realize it during my high school years and a good portion of my 20s and 30s. Speaking for me, I refuse to go into my 42nd year of life (starting tomorrow) going backwards with no progress. In fact, I speak healing over my life and over everyone that needs a healing right now, so I believe we are all healed right now (yes, this is by faith until we see the manifestation).

Using my life as the base for this post, I would like to share what are some ramifications that can occur if unresolved issues from childhood aren’t resolved. You’re probably thinking, “You’re just now realizing this?” Well, I believe the Lord will reveal it when we’re ready to take it head on and/or we’re capable of understanding the purpose behind it.

I started my 10th grade year in 1989 in a new school. My father received orders to Germany before the school year began so we moved there and I started the 10th grade there. There were two high school friends that stick out to me as I type this post (one already knows about this post, as I shared the base of this post with her) – in fact they were new to the school as I was (and we met during New Student Orientation – something to that effect). The first friend was Carla and the second friend (the one who knows about this) was LaShaunda. Let me start with Carla first.

Carla was in the same grade as me, and I remember just being so wrapped up in her (and I believe that I carried her books at one time), but she wouldn’t even give me the time of day. She would leave Germany after our 11th grade year. I’ll come back to Carla later on as we reconnected in 2010 via Facebook.

LaShaunda was a freshman, and I remember her having a boyfriend the first 5 months of the school year. One day after they broke up, we were talking at the Laundromat and she made a comment to me that resonated to my 15-year-old mind. She said, “I am a one man woman, and all I want is a one woman man.” That really made me think about how I should carry myself, as I was becoming a man. As the summer progressed, she was very instrumental in furthering my pursuit for Christ. I was searching for Christ during the midst of my abuse (which I’ll share parts of it as it relates to relationships in a moment), but for her to say that she was trying to get right with the Lord made me desire to go deeper in my quest. Of course, we became special friends at that time (and granted, we’re still friends today). When I asked her out, she said something to me then that I didn’t understand, but I understand it now as God was revealing something to me today. She said, “I can’t be with you because you think of me more than yourself, and you think I’m God’s gift to the world, I’m not.” Back then, I didn’t understand, and yes, I cried my eyes out.

So what is the message in the midst of what she said? First of all, if you have been abused in childhood (this also includes, abandoned, rejected or neglected), there’s a strong chance that you will have a skewed view of a healthy relationship if it was never addressed via counseling. In fact, because of the abuse, there’s a level of emotional and mental pain that was never addressed and I can’t forget the manipulation piece. That manipulation piece damaged the psyche of the mind. I know it did for me. A little off subject, but it’s true: if you have been abused in a marriage relationship, manipulation, which is a tactic of the devil, can literally destroy someone spiritually, mentally, financially and emotionally. And when the demonic spirit grabs hold of someone, it will plant seeds such as “you’re the one who caused it.”  Back to the message of what she was saying to me. Second, because no love was found in the house you grew up in as a result of the abuse, there’s a strong chance of trying to find someone who will appreciate you and indirectly, you actually make either the person or the concept of “love” an idol. And God is a jealous God. That’s the revelation that I received today. Third, I made reference to there being a strong chance of trying to find someone who will appreciate you. If God is not consulted, there’s a possibility that God will not mandate the relationship and it will be pure hell. He wants to protect us, but at the same time, give yourself some credit if you messed up. He’s a forgiving God. For most of us, when we were young and have been through something traumatic, we didn’t have a full understanding of God. I know I didn’t even though I was on my quest, so a lot of choices and decisions were made based on my emotions (yes, I was feeling emotions like Mariah Carey at that time of my life – smile). I don’t know what background you grew up in, if they were deep in church (even though they abused, neglected or abandoned you), there’s a possibility that your view of God may be warped as a result of what you had to endured.

What were some things that were going on in the house that I grew up in that gave me a skewed view of relationships?

1. Without question, there was sexual abuse and physical abuse from a family member who lived in the house (and was overlooked).
2. There was gas lighting that permeated the house on a consistent basis. How did it come? For me, my sexuality was questioned by my family including the family member who abused me) because I didn’t have a girlfriend. The way you act around the house shows signs that you’re immature (of course, being autistic was never questioned).
3. Even though I was the only one who was interested in God during my childhood, my parents were the most anti-church group of people you ever wanted to meet.

So how did I go through high school? Well, I stayed to myself a lot. You could say my anxiety levels were extremely high (due to my undetected autism, and survival). I was trying to find an out and someone to appreciate me – sadly I had no concept of love at all. And granted, when I went through school, I was considered immature because of my undetected autism. I was different, and that I was only good for being a friend.

You could say that my childhood really affected my concept of relationships, and trying to find something that would bring me joy. Well, the irony of that was in 1996, I believe the Lord wanted me to rid of every woman that I was supposedly interested in so that I could make an intelligent decision to give my life to Him.

Still in the healing process, there were some things that I did that I thought was God, but the truth was, it was me and putting God’s name on it (knowing full well, that was all me). How many of you can testify to this? The beauty of God is that He knows my flaws, my mental and emotional stability, and He’s the only one who loves me regardless (the same holds true for you too). He wants a relationship with me, just like He wants one with you.

Oh yes, you’re probably wondered what happened when I reconnected with Carla via Facebook. Well, she apologized for how she treated me. I accepted her apology and I apologized for how I treated her. I also stated that I was in a time in life where I was attracted to any woman who had a pulse.

Why was that? For me, it was cover up a lot of pain that I had inside (remember, I was 15, and I was dealing with so much abuse since childhood). The more I think about it, middle school and high school for me was really about who could rap, who could dance, and who had a girlfriend. Well, I could rap (and sing), I couldn’t dance, and I sure didn’t have a girlfriend. You could say that I went through a lot of my life hurt and lonely, and couldn’t figure out why. Well, when I realized that the abuse had done so much damage to me, lately, I have had to let the Lord speak to me as I now understand the art of ‘shut yo’ mouth!’

Most of my 20s and 30s was spent with a wall up to protect my heart because of the pain that I had endured. For me, it became a norm even as the Lord is breaking some of them even as I type this. But at the same time, most of the problems in this arena actually resided with me. Now, the actual abuse was NOT my fault. And if you have been abused, rejected or abandoned either in childhood or due to a bad relationship, that is NOT your fault. I don’t care if so-called friends and even church members say that it is. They are lying to you and leaguing with the devil to further prevent your healing process.

I know for many reading this, this is a hard thing to do – to look at the abuse you suffered to see if this plays a role in the committed relationships you’ve been in (or lack of – like me). But the God that I serve wants to heal those wounds and scars in you and me. He wants to heal our mental and emotional psyche that the devil is striving to destroy within us. Jesus is asking each of us, “Will You Be Made Whole?” I pray that you will man up (or woman up) and say yes even though this healing of abuse process is difficult. One more thing, know that you may not ever get closure from the ones who abused you, abandoned you, rejected you, or neglected you (I’m referring to childhood here, not domestic abuse). If you give God those parts that you desire closure in, He will bring you closure. Surrender the BAM (bitter, angry, mean) state to Him so that He can give you a heart to forgive them (but more importantly, forgive yourself). We deserve to be free, we deserve to have our years restored, and we deserve to be made whole! If we desire to be in a relationship (even after all that we endured in life), we deserve full healing in our lives because it’s God’s will that we be made whole! Healing is the children’s bread. He’s waiting on us to come to Him and lay ourselves before Him. He loves us so much.

If this blogpost wasn’t for anybody else, this was definitely for me.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man