This past Thursday night, I was leaving a meeting and
someone said to me three words, “loss of childhood.” My initial thought was the
late and the great, Michael Jackson. I’ll talk about him in just a moment. But
at the same time, I had to ask myself, “did I lose my childhood? Is this the
cause of the pain that’s in my heart that has caused people throughout my life
to say I’m goofy, immature and a whole host of other words that are degrading?”
Before talking about my life, let’s look at Michael Jackson’s life for a
moment. Despite how the media strove to demonize him and to give them what they
wanted, music, drama and stories that would generate attention for their gain
and his loss, his childhood was far from perfect.
This is an excerpt from the following articles: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/michael_jackson_lost_childhood.html
As the world learned,
however, was that Michael Jackson had a dark side that involved child abuse, neglect, and
accusations of child molestation. You find can an entire populace of people with
similar history in prison.
It wasn’t enough that
Michael suffered a lost childhood. He was never allowed to be own person. His
spirit was never free. Instead, his life became a tool for others to make
profit of his enormous talent. His father, Joe Jackson, was not a successful
man on his own by any means. He was a steel worker during the day, hardly
carrying enough change in his pockets for lunch.
To his credit,
however, Joe Jackson was a driven man. He played in a band and was a talented
guitarist. Perhaps he had dreams
playing for record label, but fell victim to the circumstances in his day:
poverty, racism, and missed opportunities.
To some, growing old
and not fulfilling your lifelong dream is intolerable. Joe Jackson may not have
wanted any of that. So, his kids became the pawns for his success. According
the Michael and his sister LaToya, Joe Jackson was a tyrant with an iron fist.
He ran the household with fear, intimidation, and complete lack of concern
about his children’s feelings.
Which Michael at the
realm, the Jackson 5 attracted television and record deals. Before they became
famous, they would play in small clubs and bars, exposing the underage boys to
bar violence, nudity, and alcohol. But their father didn’t care. He would
subject his children to anything, good or bad, to achieve fame and fortune. Like many child
stars, however, Michael was forced into world that God never meant for
children. Michael never experienced a childhood. He was busy making money for
his family and for the record
labels. He was a moneymaker. Despite the claims from those who say they loved
him and showed genuine concern, he was a music moneymaking machine. The
self-worth was solely based on that. If he stopped producing, they stopped
caring.
When he was 20 years
old, Off The Wall was released. Most people at this age are in college,
partying, studying for college exams, or thinking of their careers. Michael
remained what he was since he was 10, a money making machine. Not a man with
feelings, not a man with a spirit, and a human being. He was a money-making
machine, the darling of the media, a man with billions of dollars, yet no life.
It’s just human nature
to make up for lost experience. It not unusual for teenage moms, as soon as
their children are grown, to dress up in sexy garbs, hang out at bars, and date
younger men.
Michael’s inner demons
were not demons. They were yearnings (yearnings to have the God given right to
a normal childhood).
Now many would say, he should’ve gotten over it or he was
mature enough to do the things he should do to heal. Well, it’s easier said
than done (especially if you don’t have the right support system – and the
media will 90% of the time fail at being a support system). Knowing that the
devil is the ruler of this world, he will steal your life, kill your life and
destroy your life (John 10:10a). And sadly, this was the case for Michael
Jackson. Many of you reading this can identify some areas of your life that
mirror his. Personally, I grew up to Michael’s music and he is a gifted
songwriter (especially with songs that were focused on healing the world).
Before I share a little bit about my life, let me say this
first and foremost. Healing is the children’s bread (in other words, we have a
right to be healed – but it will require our part). Check out this excerpt
about Michael’s childhood:
Michael Jackson was
one of the biggest child stars of his time. Many people adored him because he
was such a great presence on stage and moved like no one could. He always
seemed so happy and carefree on stage, like a child should be. But that was
only a facade. Michael was not a happy child. By the time he was 9, it was
almost like he was an adult in a child’s body. He would be in school for about
three hours a day and then it was straight to recording or interviews or
performances. He had no time to be a kid, no time to play or relax, no other
friends except for his other siblings. He was lonely, but his father didn’t
care, he overworked Michael. Michael would cry from loneliness and become
depressed. He would see other children playing and having fun, while he was on
his way to the recording studio or rehearsal. There was just no time for
Michael to be a real kid.
As Michael Jackson
grew up his fame and success skyrocketed. He was eventually able to escape his
father’s abusive grasp and become an extremely successful solo recording
artist. But as he grew up he began to reach out to the childhood that he lost.
Many people judged Michael because he always acted so childish when he grew up.
But he was trying to make up for the time he lost. He always loved children
because he saw purity and innocence in them and something magical. He loved
their imaginations and curiosity. He loved their ability to dream and he drew
from this as inspiration. Many people, mainly the press, alleged that he was
doing inappropriate, impure things with children. They said that he would have
sex and abuse other children. The lines are still blurred on these allegations.
But one thing is for sure, if Michael did any of the things held against him,
it was because of his messed up childhood.
If only people had
understood what he went through and truly understood who he was, then maybe
they wouldn’t have made his life so difficult. He changed his face because his
father called him ugly when he was a child. He hung around with kids because he
never got to play with other kids when he was young. He acted childish and silly
when he was older because he never got to when he was a child. His childhood
affected him so much and all he wanted to do was make up for lost time. People
that don’t know Michael Jackson only judge him based off of what they heard
from the media. But most people have no clue what he went through, the
emotional and physical turmoil. If only people took the time to learn about him
and learn to appreciate what he contributed during his lifetime instead of his
mistakes, then maybe they would stop judging him or making fun of him. He was a
great man and the whole world should know. It’s not his fault his childhood was
so broken.
Sometimes we can be so wrapped up in self that we still opt
to blame Michael (and people who suffered under the hand of abuse, neglect) for
all that they endured (and that they should have gotten over it). If there was
no support group around (or you grew up in a community where the philosophy was
“what goes on in the house, stays in the house”), there’s a slim chance that
you will get the support and help you need. So, what happens, you end up resorting
to destructive means to cope (even if you know that it’s not going to benefit
you).
There are certain parts of Michael’s story that I’m able to
relate to. And I’ll share right now.
When I was eight years old, life became different for me. I
went from being an introvert with Aspergers to an introvert trying to survive.
Between the ages of eight and fourteen, I was thrust into adulthood in certain
areas, but at the same time, my childhood was stunted as a result of the abuse
(verbal, emotional, physical and sexual), bullying and neglect. Many of you
know the story about what my uncle did to me, but there’s one aspect of my
abuse where one of my abusers was a female relative. Now watch what I’m about
to say. Even though she initiated, it wasn’t a one-time thing. I remember my
mother asking me 10-11 years after this period, “what did I know at 11 years
old.” My response was, “well, if I was in the kitchen with her going from head
to toe for about 45 minutes to an hour, apparently I knew what I was doing.” I
made a reference to it in my blogpost PCA about being exposed to pornographic
movies by my uncle (who molested me) at the age of 11. My response after seeing
it was simply, “been there, done that.” As I think about it now, I knew a lot
more than I realized.
Anyway, I faced many of the same ridicules and struggles
that Michael did (and I’m sure many others who have lost their childhood could
say the same). I’ll list as many
struggles that I have seen since the time of my abuse as I can.
- Unusually high level of anger/excessive temper
- Aggression towards family and others
- School problems
- Difficulty concentrating
- Suicidal thoughts or actions
- Withdrawal from friends and family
- Acting out in social situations
- Imitating the traumatic event
- Fear of adults who remind them of the trauma
- Sleeplessness
- Irritability
- Inability to trust others or make friends
- Lack of self-confidence
- Loneliness
- Confusion
- Clinginess
- Sexual knowledge beyond the child’s age
- Overreaction to situations
- Re-creation of the traumatic event during play
For some of you reading this, you may have identified with
what I experienced above, or you might have experienced some of these below.
- Verbal abuse towards others
- Overly bossy or controlling
- Stomachaches, headaches and other physical complaints
- Fear of being separated from caregiver
- Eating problems such as loss of appetite, low weight or digestion issues
- Nightmares
- Drug or alcohol use
- Hoarding of food
For many of us, these would be considered strongholds over
our lives. I am so thankful there’s a way to heal from that. If you’re
struggling with this, please don’t wait to get help. If you’re spiritual, pray
and/or seek help. A little FYI, it wasn’t until 2008 that I found out that I
have PTSD and until 2014 that I found out that I had Aspergers (that went
undetected). But know that we have to put in the work to get that spirit of our
childhood back. Hold me accountable as I hold you accountable. Don’t care about
public eye (they will always try to make you less than, when you are more
than).
I want to close this with an excerpt from this article
(which is fitting as many of us reading are adults and may be grieving from the
loss of childhood). Know that we can be made whole from what we endured from
the past. We are survivors! The full article can be read here:
Most people think of
grief as a response to the loss of a loved one, but grief can be a response to
any type of loss, including the loss of something that never was (such as a
happy childhood). This post explores the experience of grief in the
present as a response to having bad experiences (from abuse, neglect, or
trauma) in the past as a child. Grief of this sort is a necessary and restorative
process that permits a person to bring new life and a renewed sense of hope to
childhood hardship and deprivation. Looked at in this way grief allows us
to cleanse ourselves of hurt and loss and continue to grow and to expand our
sense of ourselves.
Many people do not
realize that they may be suffering in the present from having been mistreated,
deprived or traumatized as a child. Partly this is the case, because it
is hard to know that something is missing if one has never had the experience
of its presence. If you did not have loving, attentive, nurturing parents
who were joyful about life and about you as their child, you might not know
that this is something that you lacked. If you were emotionally abandoned
or neglected, you may not know what it is like to be emotionally accompanied or
cared for.
Often a person does
not begin to grieve their childhood losses until they have reached a point in
their lives where in they can emotionally afford to do so. This may be
because the person has found a therapist with whom they feel safe enough or
because they find themselves with a social support system that is stable and
strong enough for the first time. The self-compassion borne out of
grieving the losses of your childhood makes it clear that you did not deserve
the abuse or neglect that you suffered and that you are hurting now because you
were hurt then and not because you were bad then.
If you were neglected
or abused as a child your emotional or intellectual development may have been
truncated. This may be because you needed to use your energy to protect
yourself rather than to grow and develop naturally emotionally and
intellectually. There may not have been opportunities for you to
participate in normal, age appropriate activities such as playing, asking
hundreds of curious questions, using your imagination, experimenting with
language and cause and effect, or to getting to know yourself and your own
emotional internal world in an intimate way. Moreover, these losses and
the feelings of grief associated with them may have been unacknowledged or even
actively denied by those around you. In some cases the lack of
acknowledgement of loss can be more emotionally devastating than the loss
itself. The grief associated with unacknowledged childhood loss may be
outside your awareness, but actively affecting you to this day.
Blessings,
The Mayne Man
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