This topic was dropped on my spirit on my way to work this morning, and it also disturbed me to the point that I had to talk to God about this on my way home from work. After working out late this afternoon, the real meaning of this was revealed and as a result, here’s a blogpost about a topic that is healing for me, and for those who need a healing as a result of childhood abuse and/or domestic abuse. Please brace yourself for this (and grab some tissue just in case), as we heal together.
The desire to love someone is a beautiful thing. But you know it can be a daunting task if there are some unresolved issues from childhood. I didn’t realize it during my high school years and a good portion of my 20s and 30s. Speaking for me, I refuse to go into my 42nd year of life (starting tomorrow) going backwards with no progress. In fact, I speak healing over my life and over everyone that needs a healing right now, so I believe we are all healed right now (yes, this is by faith until we see the manifestation).
Using my life as the base for this post, I would like to share what are some ramifications that can occur if unresolved issues from childhood aren’t resolved. You’re probably thinking, “You’re just now realizing this?” Well, I believe the Lord will reveal it when we’re ready to take it head on and/or we’re capable of understanding the purpose behind it.
I started my 10th grade year in 1989 in a new school. My father received orders to Germany before the school year began so we moved there and I started the 10th grade there. There were two high school friends that stick out to me as I type this post (one already knows about this post, as I shared the base of this post with her) – in fact they were new to the school as I was (and we met during New Student Orientation – something to that effect). The first friend was Carla and the second friend (the one who knows about this) was LaShaunda. Let me start with Carla first.
Carla was in the same grade as me, and I remember just being so wrapped up in her (and I believe that I carried her books at one time), but she wouldn’t even give me the time of day. She would leave Germany after our 11th grade year. I’ll come back to Carla later on as we reconnected in 2010 via Facebook.
LaShaunda was a freshman, and I remember her having a boyfriend the first 5 months of the school year. One day after they broke up, we were talking at the Laundromat and she made a comment to me that resonated to my 15-year-old mind. She said, “I am a one man woman, and all I want is a one woman man.” That really made me think about how I should carry myself, as I was becoming a man. As the summer progressed, she was very instrumental in furthering my pursuit for Christ. I was searching for Christ during the midst of my abuse (which I’ll share parts of it as it relates to relationships in a moment), but for her to say that she was trying to get right with the Lord made me desire to go deeper in my quest. Of course, we became special friends at that time (and granted, we’re still friends today). When I asked her out, she said something to me then that I didn’t understand, but I understand it now as God was revealing something to me today. She said, “I can’t be with you because you think of me more than yourself, and you think I’m God’s gift to the world, I’m not.” Back then, I didn’t understand, and yes, I cried my eyes out.
So what is the message in the midst of what she said? First of all, if you have been abused in childhood (this also includes, abandoned, rejected or neglected), there’s a strong chance that you will have a skewed view of a healthy relationship if it was never addressed via counseling. In fact, because of the abuse, there’s a level of emotional and mental pain that was never addressed and I can’t forget the manipulation piece. That manipulation piece damaged the psyche of the mind. I know it did for me. A little off subject, but it’s true: if you have been abused in a marriage relationship, manipulation, which is a tactic of the devil, can literally destroy someone spiritually, mentally, financially and emotionally. And when the demonic spirit grabs hold of someone, it will plant seeds such as “you’re the one who caused it.” Back to the message of what she was saying to me. Second, because no love was found in the house you grew up in as a result of the abuse, there’s a strong chance of trying to find someone who will appreciate you and indirectly, you actually make either the person or the concept of “love” an idol. And God is a jealous God. That’s the revelation that I received today. Third, I made reference to there being a strong chance of trying to find someone who will appreciate you. If God is not consulted, there’s a possibility that God will not mandate the relationship and it will be pure hell. He wants to protect us, but at the same time, give yourself some credit if you messed up. He’s a forgiving God. For most of us, when we were young and have been through something traumatic, we didn’t have a full understanding of God. I know I didn’t even though I was on my quest, so a lot of choices and decisions were made based on my emotions (yes, I was feeling emotions like Mariah Carey at that time of my life – smile). I don’t know what background you grew up in, if they were deep in church (even though they abused, neglected or abandoned you), there’s a possibility that your view of God may be warped as a result of what you had to endured.
What were some things that were going on in the house that I grew up in that gave me a skewed view of relationships?
- Without question, there was sexual abuse and physical abuse from a family member who lived in the house (and was overlooked).
- There was gas lighting that permeated the house on a consistent basis. How did it come? For me, my sexuality was questioned by my family including the family member who abused me) because I didn’t have a girlfriend. The way you act around the house shows signs that you’re immature (of course, being autistic was never questioned).
- Even though I was the only one who was interested in God during my childhood, my parents were the most anti-church group of people you ever wanted to meet.
So how did I go through high school? Well, I stayed to myself a lot. You could say my anxiety levels were extremely high (due to my undetected autism, and survival). I was trying to find an out and someone to appreciate me – sadly I had no concept of love at all. And granted, when I went through school, I was considered immature because of my undetected autism. I was different, and that I was only good for being a friend.
You could say that my childhood really affected my concept of relationships, and trying to find something that would bring me joy. Well, the irony of that was in 1996, I believe the Lord wanted me to rid of every woman that I was supposedly interested in so that I could make an intelligent decision to give my life to Him.
Still in the healing process, there were some things that I did that I thought was God, but the truth was, it was me and putting God’s name on it (knowing full well, that was all me). How many of you can testify to this? The beauty of God is that He knows my flaws, my mental and emotional stability, and He’s the only one who loves me regardless (the same holds true for you too). He wants a relationship with me, just like He wants one with you.
Oh yes, you’re probably wondered what happened when I reconnected with Carla via Facebook. Well, she apologized for how she treated me. I accepted her apology and I apologized for how I treated her. I also stated that I was in a time in life where I was attracted to any woman who had a pulse.
Why was that? For me, it was cover up a lot of pain that I had inside (remember, I was 15, and I was dealing with so much abuse since childhood). The more I think about it, middle school and high school for me was really about who could rap, who could dance, and who had a girlfriend. Well, I could rap (and sing), I couldn’t dance, and I sure didn’t have a girlfriend. You could say that I went through a lot of my life hurt and lonely, and couldn’t figure out why. Well, when I realized that the abuse had done so much damage to me, lately, I have had to let the Lord speak to me as I now understand the art of ‘shut yo’ mouth!’
Most of my 20s and 30s was spent with a wall up to protect my heart because of the pain that I had endured. For me, it became a norm even as the Lord is breaking some of them even as I type this. But at the same time, most of the problems in this arena actually resided with me. Now, the actual abuse was NOT my fault. And if you have been abused, rejected or abandoned either in childhood or due to a bad relationship, that is NOT your fault. I don’t care if so-called friends and even church members say that it is. They are lying to you and leaguing with the devil to further prevent your healing process.
I know for many reading this, this is a hard thing to do – to look at the abuse you suffered to see if this plays a role in the committed relationships you’ve been in (or lack of – like me). But the God that I serve wants to heal those wounds and scars in you and me. He wants to heal our mental and emotional psyche that the devil is striving to destroy within us. Jesus is asking each of us, “Will You Be Made Whole?” I pray that you will man up (or woman up) and say yes even though this healing of abuse process is difficult. One more thing, know that you may not ever get closure from the ones who abused you, abandoned you, rejected you, or neglected you (I’m referring to childhood here, not domestic abuse). If you give God those parts that you desire closure in, He will bring you closure. Surrender the BAM (bitter, angry, mean) state to Him so that He can give you a heart to forgive them (but more importantly, forgive yourself). We deserve to be free, we deserve to have our years restored, and we deserve to be made whole! If we desire to be in a relationship (even after all that we endured in life), we deserve full healing in our lives because it’s God’s will that we be made whole! Healing is the children’s bread. He’s waiting on us to come to Him and lay ourselves before Him. He loves us so much.
If this blogpost wasn’t for anybody else, this was definitely for me.
The Mayne Man