Friday, October 3, 2014

Emotional Deposits In Relationships

Back in March of this year, I did a series on FB entitled Relationship 101 (and I posted it on my blog in the same month). Within the series, I was talking about the importance of "emotional deposits." And someone wanted me to expound on this (which I did 3/18/14). If you're married or single, there are some nuggets in this for you. So sit back and get ready to receive.

What are emotional deposits? Let's break this up in two parts: in a bank, you make deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are where you're putting something in, and withdrawals are where you're taking out what you put in. What are emotions? They are what a person feels (whether good or bad). You can put in good deposits and take out good deposits (via a withdrawal). Before I dive deep into this, let's look at Song of Solomon for a brief moment. Here we find the man depositing into his newly bride (in 4:9-11): You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon. 

That right there, whew! Now what woman wouldn't want to hear that! I could do an entire lesson on that, but that's a great example of an emotional deposit. Now let's look at the bride making an emotional deposit to her husband (from 5:10-16)

My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. 

That right there! She's showing him respect (and making an emotional deposit into him). 

Both of those out together sum up Ephesians 5:21-33. 

You see, just like parents make "emotional deposits" into their children's life, spouses need to make emotional deposits" into each other. For this particular post, I'm focusing on the husband making deposits into his wife. I will always say this when I talk about emotional deposits: no man should make an emotional deposit just to get into a woman's drawers!!! 
Emotional deposits (from a marriage standpoint) is where you are speaking life and encouragement to each other with no ulterior motives. Will my marriage friends help me out with this (and comment)? Continuing on, when a man makes emotional deposits into his wife, he loves her and cherishes her as his help. He's not after the sex, or manipulating her mind, physically or emotionally abusing her; he knows that he can't just treat her any kind of way. A real man makes emotional deposits into his wife because he knows that his success is tied into hers, and the better he is to her, the better she is to him, and the better he is, period! He wants her to succeed, so he'll speak words to encourage her to succeed in the natural and spiritual realm. He wants her to fulfill the dream He gave her, so He will pray for her, cover her and speak words that will help her, propel her to be all that God wants her to be. Emotional deposits are not to be manipulated for selfish purposes. True emotional deposits should show agape love!
For those men who are just trying to get into her drawers or to treat her violently, yeah you'll deposit something when you initially speak into her life, but the moment you act selfish, you would've used up everything in that account you deposited (faster than when you initially deposited into her life).

One of my sister friends said this as I was preparing this: Some people go into marriage making constant withdrawals until the account is overdrawn. It's very important that you make deposits daily in your marriage to avoid insufficient funds and you work on keeping your marriage in a positive cash flow. 

I agree with her in that marriages fail because they fall into a state of bankruptcy (i.e., loss of peace, joy, harmony, communication, intimacy, honesty, loyalty) leaving each other feeling angry, bitter, and feeling used.

I want to pause for a moment because there might be someone single asking, what about us singles? Granted, I'm single (for the moment), so it would be an honor to address this question. There are some things you can do & say and there are some things you can NOT do and say. The key here is to not defraud your brother or sister (i.e., live-in boyfriend/girlfriend). Single Men, every single woman you come in contact with is your sister. Single Women, every single man you come in contact with is your brother. Singles should not be doing things that are only reserved for marital relationships. Sex is obvious of course, how we relate to others is one that gets overlooked. I can't fully cover a woman like a husband does (in this blog, I'm referring to a man of God). But I can pray for my sister (while allowing God to teach me what the role of a husband is - and observing Godly marriages). How do I make emotional deposits into a single woman that I'm interested in? First, I make her the focus of my prayer (with no ulterior motive), ensure boundaries are set in that relate to her as a friend (ensuring that neither of us defraud each other), keep my emotions in tact (sadly, sins such as fornication and adultery can come when emotions of both parties are out of whack), speak life to her, and know that I'm accountable to God for how I treat my sister in Christ. 

One more thing before I jump back to the married folks. Single men specifically need to know this: when you are relating to a woman, your fist should never be used. You are proving that you don't understand emotional deposits and that you're not ready for marriage or any relationship. If you are degrading women and yourself with negative talk, you do not need to be trying to talk to a woman. Emotional deposits are dangerous when misapplied because you are damaging a woman and you will bring judgment over your life. The same holds true for single women who do the same thing.

Deposits in a bank account (now I'm an accountant by profession), are there for emergencies. You need to constantly make deposits every day (when you feel like it and when you don't feel like it). 

If you have been hurt before due to a bad relationship (or if you've never been in a relationship before): make sure you discern a person's true intention. You can tell if a person's honest or not by their heart (most cases, you can determine that from first meeting or communication. When people don't understand covenant relationships mentally, emotionally & spiritually, they will not be able to sow emotional deposits into their significant other (no matter how hard they try). In fact, they will overdraft on the account (and those fees are high). 

My sister friend brought up a great point. There may some people reading this who are in a blended family (or about to enter a relationship with someone who has children), let's talk briefly about emotional deposits in this case. Using myself as an example: if I marry a woman who has a child or children from prior relationship, emotional deposits are not JUST for her and treating her child or children with contempt. I am to make deposits into her offspring's life because if she's a part of me, then whatever else of hers is a part of me. 

And this is me (not The Lord) talking when I close this blogpost. Some of you know when you're receiving the emotional support that you so need. Seek The Lord (and not others) when you feel it's time to close the account. Think about it, in banks, if you don't keep a certain amount of funds in a bank account, you will get hit with a monthly charge (and if you have zero dollars, your account will be hit with overdraft fees). And because this is October (domestic violence awareness month, it's fair that I say this. Men & Women, the moment you make a deposits into your spouse, and then you turn around and neglect, have an affair,  verbally abuse, emotionally abuse or physically abuse your spouse and children, you will withdraw everything that you deposited that fast. 

Emotional deposits start from the heart and with a relationship with God (and it's not just for your mate). 


The Mayne Man

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