Wednesday, September 10, 2014

When I Wanted To Die (World Suicide Prevention Day)

Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. Before I share my story of when I wanted to die, I want to give those who don’t have an understanding of how real suicide is. According to, “suicide is a major public health problem. The psychological pain that leads each of these individuals to take their lives is unimaginable. Their deaths leave families and friends bereft, and often have a major ripple effect on communities. Every year, over 800,000 almost people die from suicide; this roughly corresponds to one death every 40 seconds. The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined. Suicide is the fifth leading causes of death among those aged 30-49 years in 2012 globally, and is the second leading cause of death in the 15-29 years age group in 2012 globally. Overall, it is estimated that during 2012 for each adult who died of suicide there were over 20 others who made suicide attempts. In 2012, suicide accounted for 1.4% of all deaths worldwide, making it the 15th leading cause of death. Mental disorders (particularly depression and alcohol use disorders) are a major risk factor for suicide in Europe and North America; however, in Asian countries impulsiveness plays an important role. Suicide is complex with psychological, social, biological, cultural and environmental factors involved.”

That says a lot, and while I was writing my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid (DDBS for short) between 2010 and 2012 (addressing child sexual abuse – based on my real-life story of abuse – and teenage suicide), I went through a suicide spell in December of 2011. Part of the note is in DDBS, but I want to share it with you in its raw form (not to glorify suicide, but to let you know how real it is and that we must have a heart for those who are struggling with life).

December 3, 2011 (an e-mail to a few people close to my heart):
My life is a constant fight, considering I have mental problems through the neglect of my parents during the course of my abuse - which I am not trying to claim the victim role - it's hard. People are saying I should be married. If I'm not then I'm a homosexual. I am tired of fighting. My life has been constant suffering - over my life - for the concern of others. When it’s all said and done, everything is my fault! It's my fault if I'm not married, if people turn their backs on me. I am trying to keep things in perspective here. I want to grieve over what God grieves.

One thing about my family, they are so nosy and paranoid of what I do (considering I'm the oldest). This is partly why I'm writing this novel about my childhood abuse and the main character is going to lose his life (maybe this suffering is for the novel).

Moving along, here's what I really want to say. I'm like this when everyone acts as if I don't exist in their world. Everyone is important to me. I understand about the concept of letting go (that's not so bad). I'm trying hard and want to. Everything is my fault. People are saying to me, "you need to be married, you need to be married; if you're not, you're a punk!" And sure I'm trying to look for love. But when I get this kind of treatment from women (for the past 25 years of my life, you want to give up and say love isn't meant for me, and I've had enough of trying to find a marriage partner). Women are typically saying, "you did this, you're not my type, I only see you as a friend - from Christian and non-Christian women. Why am I on a quest for love when I'm just taking up people's space? Sure, I play a role in other people's lives, but I guess that's it! And again, it's my fault and no one cares of what I do. I wanted to give this an example, because this is the pain I feel in my life. If I had a weapon to my head, people would simply say, "I'm sorry, or I'll pray for you." What? I am about to take my life and that's all you're going to say? That's painful (from Christians & non-Christians). Again, I'm not going to do anything rash, but this is what I feel. Yes, it's a casting down imaginations case, and I know God loves me (though I don't understand when my life is so full of suffering). Sure, I have my life, but my brief moments of smiles are turned to deep sadness. Everybody's saying, enjoy everyday life (how, when everything is crashing - unless I'm supposed to wear a plastic smile). Other than God, there is no happiness in my life. Of course, I can't wait to be with Him when my life is over; meanwhile, I'm miserable and don't know how much more I take. Everyday, it's a constant battle in my mind and I'm already in the looney bin! I just want to be free.

I'm not trying to say I'm a victim by any means. I just want someone to say it's going to be alright!

When I look back at the note, you would be surprised as to how many responses I got. They ranged from “you should be thankful for the pain you went through,” to “you need to just get over it (in short, I don’t want to hear it).” A month later, I called the suicide hotline here in Tallahassee. I told them what was going on and that I didn't want to live. Their response wasn't what's going on, but it went like this, "try to think of something positive." I thought to myself, that's not the wisest thing to say when a teen or an adult has a gun to their head. It made me think long and hard as to why the suicide rates are so high.

I remember a woman posted on social media stating that she was going to take her own life. It was baffling to see how many people were telling her to get over it and talking down to her. I just inboxed her and said this: “if you happen to get this message, give me a call and here’s my number.” About 4 hours later, she called me and all I said was this: “you have my undivided attention, talk to me.” She shared what was on her heart and all I did was listen to her heart. Just a simple ear to a hurting soul can help prevent suicide.

In closing: Many people who are on the verge of suicide really do care about the hearts of others, and many of us probably overlook what they’re going through by saying they are oversensitive or melodramatic. When they realize they are not heard, they will do something rash. If we would stop and understand the hearts of others instead of being so judgmental, we could speak life and encouragement to broken and hurting people.

Many suicides are linked to past abuse, and here’s my take on that: We are on the brink of losing the next generation. And it’s sad that the only remedy for an abused child is drugs or illicit sex. This is part of the reason some kids and even adults commit suicide. It’s a tragedy that shouldn’t happen this way, considering we “so holy people” are re-victimizing the abused, while the abuser gets away with a crime they should be charged with. If we don’t care for those who are abused, they will either take their own lives, or they will become sadistic and take somebody else’s life.

People who are considering or attempting suicide REALLY don’t want to die, they want to live. We must be willing to help them live.

Because today is suicide prevention awareness, I want to do something special. If you were intrigued by this, I encourage you get the book that addresses suicide prevention. It’s entitled Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid: Michael Anderson’s Fight for Life. I will personally autograph it and send you a special gift along with the book. Attached is the link:  

I am totally committed to sounding the alarm on how real suicide is and what we can do to prevent it. Here’s a blog I did a few months back entitled How Suicides Can Be Prevented.

And a bonus: Why People Are Oblivious to Abuse & Suicide:

The Mayne Man


  1. Brother Tremayne,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    Once upon a time I thought that the worst feeling in the world was this darkness and pain. Now, I realize the worst feeling in the world is when someone you love is in pain.
    Thank you for sharing my brother.
    You are loved and appreciated.

  2. I'm so pleased I read this post. Having struggled with depression for most of my life I thought I was through the worst of it until things took a real dip recently and I was thinking of ending it all. Depression and suicide are really tough to discuss and I'm so grateful to you for tackling these subjects so honestly. I wish you and anyone else who has experienced this pain the absolute best in life and that you are able to access the support and care you need. Xxx

  3. Wow! Very heart felt, in your face blog. Suicide is a serious thing that most people tend to overlook. Life can be tough but we need a supporting cast of people we can be transparent with.

  4. It's such an awful disease, depression. I have had it most of my life. I am really struggling right now and am reading everything online I can find about the subject in order to help me not commit suicide. Thank you for your honesty, it really helps to know other people can get through this and that I'm not alone. Thank you.

    1. Leigh: my heart goes out to you. If you want to talk, send me an e-mail. Also check out this blogpost:

  5. I am so glad to read this. I was in that dark place one time and it that led me to attempt suicide. I am glad to read there is one out there who God has graced to know how to treat those dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. This life is hard but God is faithful and I thank him for vessel like you that he has used to speak to people in such states.

  6. I appreciate you sharing your story. I was esp disappointed to hear your experience calling the crisis line. I hope more people can feel open enough to share their own struggles, reach out, and feel less isolated