Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 17: Church Hurt)

I made a note in Part 15: Denial that I would address this topic. In fact, this topic has been on my heart for at least 2 years. So let me begin.

Did the church or something that was said that caused you to leave the church hurt you or scarred you? If the answer is yes, then I dedicate this post to you. I want to divide this post into three categories:

1. Quotes that are not Scriptural that can cause doubt
2. No sympathy from the church when you’re going through
3. My own personal experience of church hurt

Let me start with the easy part: quotes or things that are said from church/religious people that are so no scriptural. This will offend those inside the church, and that’s fine.

Quote #1: Tragedies are acts of God. You know, when I was young, I remember reading the instructions to the first microwave my family bought. Under the warranty, it said that the warranty was not covered by “acts of God.” I always wondered about that. And throughout 2017, you’ve heard about hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and many people (in and out of the church) call them “acts of God.” In fact, some people will call the deaths of their loved ones, “acts of God.” If Jesus came to give life, how can He be the cause of tragedies? When people call tragedies acts of God (especially in the church), that causes people to blame God when their loved one passes away, blame God for every death that has happened. And some will say at the funeral, God took your loved one. That right there can cause church hurt in people. But it’s all a trap of the enemy.

Quote #2: God put this test on you, for He knows how much you can bear. Wait, how can God put cancer on you, cause a death to sweep through your family, etc.? Many will use 1 Corinthians 10:13 to back this quote up. The devil is the one who is bringing tests and trials. Which leads me to Quote #3.

Quote #3: Tests and trials come to make you stronger. No! They come to kill you! If this were really the case, we would all be strong by now. Tests and trials come by the devil to take you out. Why is it that when a test or trial comes, people panic? Or they stay right where they are, and they pass away? End result: God is the blame for all of this – therefore, out of the church they go.

Quote #4: He may not come when you want Him to. All I’m going to say to this, is Hebrews 13:5 – He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.

Quote #5: Do not pass me by! See my Scriptural passage from Quote #4.

I’ll stop there with the first section.

No sympathy from the church when you’re going through. This is where most of the church hurt comes from. I can truly say during this walk, I’m seeing more and more people so entrenched with their own lives that they can’t take a moment to see what’s going on next door. I’m not saying neglect your own life, but if you were to walk in every church, you’ll find at least one person who is internally bleeding to death with something on them. But because so many are just coming to church to get that word for their life, that blessing for them (and forget everyone else), many are hurt because they didn’t even receive a smile, a hug, a “how are you doing today, how can I pray for you?” This particular category breaks my heart. I know I don’t say much especially when I’m inside the church walls, but I’m very mindful of this outside the church walls. Mainly because I know that I am the church – meaning, that I have to be a light to people when I’m outside the church, not just when I’m inside (to impress people). And don’t even get me started on the hypocritical issue. When people are going through, many will say they are attacked, but blame others for their lack of faith. These are half-truths on both sides. It is true that there is an attack, but where’s the love and support (and not just chastisement – or trying to puff how much Word they know or how strong their faith is over another) – and standing in the gap for them? Blaming others for their lack of faith, a real brother and sister will strengthen them and ensure they are not going at this alone (and granted, their foundation may have been shaky from the start due to being in a unscriptural church, bad childhood upbringing – that’s distorted their view of God and what faith in God looks like). I’m finding within the past week and a half, that we are so oblivious to those around us to the point we care more about things we can’t control (like the president) than we do our own lives or the brother/sister living next door. Part of the blame for this church hurt is leaders using their platform as a political platform over teaching the Word. And when they do teach it, they’re teaching it to fit their opinion, denominational teaching, or just to pacify those listening while they’re still internally bleeding to death. So, because there’s no teaching to the congregation how to love their brother and sister, there will be church hurt (and granted, those who are hurt, need to go to a better church hospital).

And let me discuss the final category, my own experience of church hurt. Six years ago today, I wrote a suicide note (When I Wanted To Die). And I’ll be honest, I was going to a church where many in the congregation could’ve cared less if I lived or died. In fact, it was all about personalities and who was in their specific clique. To have that attitude is not showing love (especially when I was crying for help). Today, that attitude in the world as a whole has increased the more. I still thank God that my salvation was based on God’s Word and not a church. When you place their salvation on a church, or a man and not God, your foundation is off. There is no question about that! Anyway, what I’m saying here is that people will let you down, but don’t equate God to the people in the church. I’m not saying that you excuse their behavior, for we are living in a time where people who say they believe need to put up or shut up! It’s just that simple.

In my blogpost Part 15: Denial, I mentioned when it comes to sexual abuse, we deny it because of the shame that it’s placed on us as well as the pain that was afflicted on us. One of the reasons we deny it is because in church, we’re told to either “get over it,” or “that was all in your head.” That’s really putting a band-aid over it and because the root is never addressed, they’re internally bleeding to death sitting inside the church. When it comes to this topic, many churches aren’t equipped to address it, and in the African-American church, the easy drug for anyone who has been abused or suffered in childhood is denial. I understand that denial was taught for decades and centuries, but times have to change, and we have to address it so we can be free. What good is denial when a trigger occurs and you explode? And for the church to frown on those who have suffered in childhood and not comfort them, build them up by letting them know that God loves them and was not the author of the abuse and answering the question roaming in their mind, “why did this happen?” – we are setting ourselves up for casualties in the church, and many will leave and forsake Christianity because of our response. The root of the pain is the devil! And for us to be so passive with those hurting and brushing them off in the church is to literally side with the devil and his purpose to destroy the one who is already hurt. The devil loves to find people (who say they love God) but not loving God’s Word to hurt others. We as the body of Christ have to do better!!

Bonus category that I need to discuss: legalism. This is the biggest area where church hurt comes from. Legalism is all about the rules and regulations to prove your salvation. Now if your foundation was based on legalism, it would not come as a surprise if you have left the church (or you are bound with working as hard as you can to please God. Know that your works don’t please God; it’s your faith and knowing that you are His. Your past is just that in His eyes, let it go.). Legalism will tell you that you have to work on being righteous, which is false. You were righteous the moment you accept Christ. Now, holiness is something you work on. Many who are legalists will be the ones flaunting their perfection over other people’s face, either to control them or to puff themselves up.  In fact, legalistic people won’t pray for you, but will ask for prayers instead – mainly because they want to see you fail because it gives them a reason to act arrogant towards you. If you were hurt by the church due to you being at a church that taught legalism, or you were around people who are too legalist for their own good, I sympathize with you, and you need to be healed and made whole from this (and anything else I mentioned above).

Just know that you can be made whole from church hurt.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

When I Wanted To Die (World Suicide Prevention Day)

Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. Before I share my story of when I wanted to die, I want to give those who don’t have an understanding of how real suicide is. According to http://www.iasp.info/wspd/, “suicide is a major public health problem. The psychological pain that leads each of these individuals to take their lives is unimaginable. Their deaths leave families and friends bereft, and often have a major ripple effect on communities. Every year, over 800,000 almost people die from suicide; this roughly corresponds to one death every 40 seconds. The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined. Suicide is the fifth leading causes of death among those aged 30-49 years in 2012 globally, and is the second leading cause of death in the 15-29 years age group in 2012 globally. Overall, it is estimated that during 2012 for each adult who died of suicide there were over 20 others who made suicide attempts. In 2012, suicide accounted for 1.4% of all deaths worldwide, making it the 15th leading cause of death. Mental disorders (particularly depression and alcohol use disorders) are a major risk factor for suicide in Europe and North America; however, in Asian countries impulsiveness plays an important role. Suicide is complex with psychological, social, biological, cultural and environmental factors involved.”

That says a lot, and while I was writing my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid (DDBS for short) between 2010 and 2012 (addressing child sexual abuse – based on my real-life story of abuse – and teenage suicide), I went through a suicide spell in December of 2011. Part of the note is in DDBS, but I want to share it with you in its raw form (not to glorify suicide, but to let you know how real it is and that we must have a heart for those who are struggling with life).

December 3, 2011 (an e-mail to a few people close to my heart):

My life is a constant fight, considering I have mental problems through the neglect of my parents during the course of my abuse - which I am not trying to claim the victim role - it's hard. People are saying I should be married. If I'm not then I'm a homosexual. I am tired of fighting. My life has been constant suffering - over my life - for the concern of others. When it’s all said and done, everything is my fault! It's my fault if I'm not married, if people turn their backs on me. I am trying to keep things in perspective here. I want to grieve over what God grieves.

One thing about my family, they are so nosy and paranoid of what I do (considering I'm the oldest). This is partly why I'm writing this novel about my childhood abuse and the main character is going to lose his life (maybe this suffering is for the novel).

Moving along, here's what I really want to say. I'm like this when everyone acts as if I don't exist in their world. Everyone is important to me. I understand about the concept of letting go (that's not so bad). I'm trying hard and want to. Everything is my fault. People are saying to me, "you need to be married, you need to be married; if you're not, you're a punk!" And sure I'm trying to look for love. But when I get this kind of treatment from women (for the past 25 years of my life, you want to give up and say love isn't meant for me, and I've had enough of trying to find a marriage partner). Women are typically saying, "you did this, you're not my type, I only see you as a friend - from Christian and non-Christian women. Why am I on a quest for love when I'm just taking up people's space? Sure, I play a role in other people's lives, but I guess that's it! And again, it's my fault and no one cares of what I do. I wanted to give this an example, because this is the pain I feel in my life. If I had a weapon to my head, people would simply say, "I'm sorry, or I'll pray for you." What? I am about to take my life and that's all you're going to say? That's painful (from Christians & non-Christians). Again, I'm not going to do anything rash, but this is what I feel. Yes, it's a casting down imaginations case, and I know God loves me (though I don't understand when my life is so full of suffering). Sure, I have my life, but my brief moments of smiles are turned to deep sadness. Everybody's saying, enjoy everyday life (how, when everything is crashing - unless I'm supposed to wear a plastic smile). Other than God, there is no happiness in my life. Of course, I can't wait to be with Him when my life is over; meanwhile, I'm miserable and don't know how much more I take. Everyday, it's a constant battle in my mind and I'm already in the looney bin! I just want to be free.

I'm not trying to say I'm a victim by any means. I just want someone to say it's going to be alright!

When I look back at the note, you would be surprised as to how many responses I got. They ranged from “you should be thankful for the pain you went through,” to “you need to just get over it (in short, I don’t want to hear it).” A month later, I called the suicide hotline here in Tallahassee. I told them what was going on and that I didn't want to live. Their response wasn't what's going on, but it went like this, "try to think of something positive." I thought to myself, that's not the wisest thing to say when a teen or an adult has a gun to their head. It made me think long and hard as to why the suicide rates are so high.

I remember a woman posted on social media stating that she was going to take her own life. It was baffling to see how many people were telling her to get over it and talking down to her. I just inboxed her and said this: “if you happen to get this message, give me a call and here’s my number.” About 4 hours later, she called me and all I said was this: “you have my undivided attention, talk to me.” She shared what was on her heart and all I did was listen to her heart. Just a simple ear to a hurting soul can help prevent suicide.

In closing: Many people who are on the verge of suicide really do care about the hearts of others, and many of us probably overlook what they’re going through by saying they are oversensitive or melodramatic. When they realize they are not heard, they will do something rash. If we would stop and understand the hearts of others instead of being so judgmental, we could speak life and encouragement to broken and hurting people.

Many suicides are linked to past abuse, and here’s my take on that: We are on the brink of losing the next generation. And it’s sad that the only remedy for an abused child is drugs or illicit sex. This is part of the reason some kids and even adults commit suicide. It’s a tragedy that shouldn’t happen this way, considering we “so holy people” are re-victimizing the abused, while the abuser gets away with a crime they should be charged with. If we don’t care for those who are abused, they will either take their own lives, or they will become sadistic and take somebody else’s life.

People who are considering or attempting suicide REALLY don’t want to die, they want to live. We must be willing to help them live.

Because today is suicide prevention awareness, I want to do something special. If you were intrigued by this, I encourage you get the book that addresses suicide prevention. It’s entitled Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid: Michael Anderson’s Fight for Life. I will personally autograph it and send you a special gift along with the book. Attached is the link:  http://maynetre.com/mm/books/deaf-dumb-blind-stupid-michael-andersons-fight-for-life/  

I am totally committed to sounding the alarm on how real suicide is and what we can do to prevent it. Here’s a blog I did a few months back entitled How Suicides Can Be Prevented. http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/07/how-suicides-can-be-prevented.html

And a bonus: Why People Are Oblivious to Abuse & Suicide: http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/08/why-people-are-oblivious-to-abuse.html

Blessings:

The Mayne Man