When People Feel They're A Burden

This post has been on my spirit ever since I did the post last month entitled How Suicides Can Be Prevented. I didn't plan to type this today, but I believe someone will receive this. 

Let's defined what a burden is: a load being carried, a worrying responsibility. It also means giving a task that's difficult to deal with.

So when I think about burdens and how it rates to when people feel they're a burden, I take it to mean that there are some people who feel they are a load to other people. And this can stem from many things: abuse (physical, sexual), marital or relationship issues, illness (physical or mental), and the list can go on. 

Looking back at the definition of burden, I can't help but think about children who are given the task of being an adult when they're still a child. 

Now many people are probably thinking about a Bible verse, particularly Matthew 11:28 that says Come into Me, you that are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Now let me give you a Scripture to think on (it's probably one you intentionally put on the shelf; Galatians 6:2. The Apostle Paul is telling us to bear one another's burdens. No one, and I mean no one, should ever feel they're a burden to anyone especially if they're going through (or are in the process of healing). Now if you're just trying to be a pest (meaning you know what to do, but you just want to bother them to make yourself feel important), that's a whole different lesson there. I want to focus this on those who are suffering (whether publicly or privately). 

There are 3 things we typically do with burdens:

1. We carry our burdens because we don't want to get rid of them.

2.  We don't want to share our burdens with others because of how people may act (more to be said on that in a moment).

3. We don't want to cast our burdens over to The Lord or share with others in order to maintain some stability in our lives (because we never received security in our childhood).

When it comes to bullet point #1, this is really just a pride issue and/or wanting drama in your life. The next two bullet points is where I want to focus on.

In relation to bullet point #2, it's sad that we can't share our burdens with others (and part of it is due to fear and the feeling of being vulnerable - I get it). Yes, there are many who can't handle what another person is going through. If you run into someone who's burdened and can't handle it, could you just pray and/or intercede for them? Even if it's for 5 minutes, it's time well spent (you could actually save their life). To cast them down as a problem, they will feel they're a burden and they won't share. And then comes the infamous finger pointing. Now you could say at this point it's their fault. But I would beg to differ. Why? Because you assisted in them feeling they are a burden by you cutting them off and not listening to their heart - when really, that's what they want). James 5:16 says confess your faults to one another. If they can't confess, they can't be free. Anyway, if you can't help (or don't want to help), just pray or lead them to someone who can (and that's not a bad thing), sometimes people just need a sounding board.

In relation to bullet point #3, this is a painful one to address, but it needs to be addressed - for this is detrimental to the health of someone who is struggling with this one. Now excuse me for being a little personal as well. Many people who have been hurt (via abuse, neglect, or something else that's traumatic) will be able to identify with this. I can speak on this because I've been neglected and abused - you can view my story via the YouTube video on the right hand side of this page. Anyway, when you grow up in a home where there's no stability, a child will feel that they have no control. If it's not addressed when they become an adult, they will stomach everything and feel they're a burden (carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders). In fact, they will end up with anxiety issues? How do I know? I am in therapy for this very thing (even as I type this). Now just don't tell someone to just "stop it," or "you're in sin and the cause of all of this." Get to the core of what brought this on (not to be nosy or gossip, but seriously be able to pray for them more effectively and meet them right where they are). As I stated above, if you're not equipped to minister in this capacity (and that's ok by the way), intercede for them and direct them to someone who can. Because this particular group has gone through something traumatic, they will more & likely feel they're a burden to society anyway. Those who are in this group is a great concern to me. I can understand their need for control or some form of stability, so intense prayer and counseling (which I recommend - and not just one session) is in order.

There are many people who feel they are a burden, and it's not intentional on their part. The truth is, they want to be free: physically, mentally, spiritually & emotionally. So everything we say to them (good intended or not) matters. 

Now I can't wrap up a blog post without saying something like this: if Christ is the burden lifter, and if we are to do the works of Christ, why aren't we bearing each other's burdens? My take on that question: many churches have become social clubs (or dare I say social cliques). We cast down those who are burdened and would say something like this: "they're disturbing my anointing and my chances for prosperity. They're too negative for me." Now my question would be this: "who do you talk to when you're down?" They would probably say: "I talk to Jesus." I would say, "OK, so you don't talk to any other human being?" They would say: "well yes." I would then say: "so what harm is it to help someone else be free from their chains since you're free from your chains - especially if you believe there is power in the name of Jesus - which there is by the way? And I don't mean just give them cliches which some of them aren't scriptural anyway." From there, they have to deal with God.

The main reason why this blog post was dropped in my spirit is because sadly, when people feel they're a burden, there's a strong chance that suicide is right around the corner for many. From experience, feeling that way is no fun. We don't need to make anybody feel they're a burden by our conduct. We will be held accountable by how we treat our brother and our sister (regardless of where they are in their lives).

Blessings!

The Mayne Man

Relationship 101 (A Woman's Response)

Earlier today, I posted the 3rd Revelation of Relationship 101. Now as I promised, here's a response from a woman's perspective to the same 3 questions.

I asked Pastor Shantae Charles & Evangelist Marva Johnson to weigh in on these questions. So, without further delay, let's get into it.

Question 1:

In the realm of relationships (marriage), would you say that for a man, a protector is who he is or are there things he can learn to be better equipped as a protector of his wife and kids?

Pastor Charles: There are always things a man can learn to be a better protector. Practically, he can receive mentorship or take classes in his weak areas. Spiritually, he can read the Word of God which is laced with much wisdom throughout in nearly every area of life.

Evangelist Johnson: The way that God created men, that's one of Adam's responsibilities. At the same time, a woman has to know God first as her husband. It's important that a woman knows that it's God first, especially if a woman has been in a toxic relationship (abuse, abandonment, etc.). Those relationships leave holes in a woman and if she doesn't know God as a protector first, she will put undue pressure on the next man to ensure what happened before doesn't happen again. A man is supposed to protect and provide, but there's a lot that a woman needs to be and to do for a relationship to be balanced. 

Question 2: 

There are some men who can claim to be protectors, but are impostors. What can women do in this case?

Pastor Charles: Women can pray and seek God first of all. They can ask for God's discernment to expose impostors. They can also introduce the person of interest to men they trust who can give an honest assessment of the person. A man's night out with some of your male friends can expose what he may keep hidden from your view as woman (like a wandering eye, for instance).

Evangelist Johnson: Sadly, this is a time where the very elect will be deceived (in fact, Jesus said if it were possible, even the very elect will be deceived). There are many impostors, predators, vampires & pimps in the church. 

If a woman is in the Word and spending time with God, she can protect herself. The only way a woman can be deceived is if she wants to be deceived. The Holy Spirit sends flags (and examples in the Word). Adam didn't have to eat that fruit, he CHOSE to. The same holds true for women and men too. Women need to go slow and not get caught up in emotions. Slow & steady wins the race. If you're caught up in emotions, you'll miss the signs (and the devil will come as an angel of light). Look at relationships like layers. You have to peel and peel till you get to the core. In fact, the further you peel, the more it burns your eyes. Chefs will tell you to put an onion in the freezer for 15 minutes. If a woman keeps herself cool (and under control) she can read the signs. In fact, 6-9 months you'll start to see who he is. If a woman is connected to God, impostors will eventually be exposed. 

Question 3: 

There may be men who may feel like they are not prepared (or they are but the enemy is attempting with every fiber to get in his mind to say "you're not prepared, she can see through you, or you're trying to win her over)," what can the men & women do? 

Pastor Charles: There is a level of preparation that has to occur, but I also see preparation used as a stall method for being indecisive. If you are not ready, get ready. If you are not ready, give yourself a time frame that you will seek to be in preparation mode (6 months to a year), focusing on things you see that may need to change in you. Don't let it be an open-ended phrase, because you will not prepare. 

Evangelist Johnson: Prayer and fasting is it right there. When you can't do it, God can. He will give you insight on what to do and not to do. The key is to stay open before The Lord for that's going to help protect your wife and kids. Know what your call is and what battles you have to fight. Once you get out of the emotional realm, it's easier to get into the spiritual realm for that person God called you to. Men need to govern themselves according to Scripture. A man needs to lead himself before he can lead his family. There is a difference between single and being married. When he gets married, things will shift because your wife and kids now is your ministry; but he must maintain his relationship with The Lord. When he's single, he could just focus on The Lord, marriage requires a shift. One more thing a man needs to do is to cast down every thought that comes against God and against your mate. A book I recommend is by John Eckhardt entitled Prayers That Rout Demons. 

I pray this has blessed someone.

As you have read both of their responses, don't be surprised if you see Shantae's responses again in Volume 2 of Robert & Shantae's marriage series. If you want to get volume 1, here's the link (and it's only available as an e-book).   

http://www.amazon.com/Church-B-L-I-S-S-Believe-Sacred-Special-ebook/dp/B00IH5H440/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409442442&sr=1-6&keywords=Shantae+A+Charles

In closing, Shantae did a lesson on Broken Ribs. I encourage you all to check this out. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOEUyD_s70o&list=UUAJ3403CdrZraIiL8JHDRJw&index=4

Relationship 101 (Third Revelation)

This post was birthed out of a conversation with a friend of mine and we were discussing about the role of a husband. Three questions came out and I asked a dear brother (and a minister of the Gospel) to shed light on this. Hope you enjoy (and yes. It's unedited just for you).

Question 1: Is a husband a protector by design or is it something he learns? A protector is who he is, it's not something you pick up along the way. Genesis 2, Adam was to guard & keep the garden. That is a man's role as husband & father. Anything that enters the home needs to go through the head. The Bible made it clear when the serpent was talking to Eve. If you look at the Scriptures closely, you'll find that Adam was with her and he didn't protect her. If you look even closer, Eve was deceived, but not Adam. Their eyes weren't opened until Adam ate. Sin occurred when Adam ate. The responsibility is on the man because he's the head. Ephesians 5:21-33 is very clear about the role of the husband (and wife).

If men aren't ready for that kind of a role (considering that's a responsibility), they should not get married because the Bible likens marriage of a husband and wife as to Christ and the church.

I feel led to just flow off of what my brother said: a lot of men get married without understanding what it all entails (that's what I see as a hubby-in-training). Can the husbands (and wives) agree on that marriage is work just like our salvation is work? And it requires a deep commitment. I'm about to flow for real: a husband should be able to pray and cover his wife when she's hurting - that's what Christ does for us when we're hurting! Wives get beat up by society and the devil and we men need to pray and protect them with no ulterior motive. Christ knows that His bride gets attacked daily, and He's praying and interceding for us daily. Ok. I'll stop :)

Prelude to Question 2: How do we address men who step into the role of husband but have no clue about protecting their wife and kids? First, the Bible says that my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Sadly, a lot of men spend more time studying the car they intend to purchase than they do the marriage they intend to enter. 

Question 2: What can women do to protect themselves from impostors (knowing they are the weaker vessel)? In a normal marriage, the father gives the daughter to her now husband. A woman should stay under some kind of authority. It could be a father or pastor (that can speak into her life and give godly counsel), but the wife has to be under the covering of her husband. 

For the single ladies: A single woman needs a covering by a father figure or pastor to be protected from impostors.

Now when speaking about "weaker vessel," we're talking physically and not intellectually. God's order is that the man be the covering and protection for the wife. If she's not getting the counsel from a pastor, it's like a woman trying to raise a boy to be a man (it's not impossible, but there are some things she can't teach him). She needs that pastor or her father for guidance because he can give honest counsel (and not the man she loves because she's enamored). 

Question 3: How should a man who's ready to enter a covenant marriage deal with the devil's darts of doubt?

First, we men must have viable standards or concrete criteria that aligns itself with Scripture. Why? Because we're never going to be 100% and everything requires a measure of faith to it.

Go through a scriptural checklist: 

1. Do I love this woman? 

2. Am I prepared to die for her? 

3. Am I prepared to commit myself to her?

4. Am I willing to forsake all of my lady friends for her?

5. If I marry her, am I capable of taking care of her?

Flowing off of my brother for a moment: if he can unequivocally say yes to the above questions, then he's ready. Christ being the groom is committed to His bride. You see, the devil is only committed to self and manipulation. If we men are to be like Christ, we need to step our game up. We need to take the role of protecting seriously because marriages are a representation of Christ and His church. Just like women who are being deceived by fake men perpetrating to be grooms, the bride of Christ needs to be careful and not follow after a false Christ!

And let me add two additional questions to that checklist:

6. Am I praying for her with no ulterior motive? 

7. Will I continue to pray for her even if God has not joined us together? 

Ok. Back to what my brother was saying :)

After we pray, there has to be a peace in our heart - and this crucial: differentiate between your head and heart because your head is going to question why the T's aren't crossed and the I's aren't dotted. 

We men must ask this one question: when I think about marriage with her, deep down inside, what's happening? Is there peace in my heart and my spirit?

Like Joshua said, why be halted between two opinions? If you're still deciding between other women, you're not ready! If your heart says yes, then check your head and trust God. Do your due diligence (reference the spiritual checklist above). 

In regards to this question within the checklist: If I marry her, am I capable of taking care of her? I also need to ask if I'm in position. Now, there's still going to be some uncertainty and it will require faith. The Bible says whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

Some time this week, I will share responses to those questions from two powerful Sisters in Christ. They are Pastor Shantae Charles & Evangelist Marva Johnson. It will be entitled Relationship 101 (A Woman's Response).

Here's the link to Relationship 101 (A Woman's Response)
http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/08/relationship-101-woman-response.html

Is Something Wrong (Or Am I Just Losing It? (Round 2)

Are you finding that many employees are working long hours with little pay while the money we pay out in taxes goes to Washington and they take long vacations with that money?

Do you suppose that if any of us became President that we could actually take up golf? :)

Are you noticing more people are without jobs while the politicians are partying like it's 1999 with Jay-Z & Beyonce?

Are you noticing also that corrupt politicians are spying on it's own citizens and on political opponents?

Do you agree that if innocent people are being murdered like sheep, that we either kill the wolf or watch the sheep die?

Is something wrong when political leaders take expensive vacations at the expense of taxpayers (who can't even afford a ticket to the ballet due to a horrific economy)?

And why do people work so hard to get a job when they don't even want to do the job?

Ok. I'll leave you all alone for now :)

The Mayne Man

Relationship 101 (Second Revelation)

Back in March of 2014, I did a series on my blog called Relationship 101 (if you missed it, here's the link). 

http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/03/relationship-101-unedited.html?m=1

Between April & May of 2014, I posted the second revelation on FB. So, here it is, compiled & unedited.

This revelation focuses on PFTT in relationships. It's about patience, it's about faith, it's about trust (some of you are thinking about Sade's Nothing Can Come Between Us now - smile) and it's about time. 

All four of those are critical in a relationship. Both a man and a woman (especially if they love each other) must allow those 4 things to grow and mature until they can come to a place where a man can say to his wife, I have full confidence in you (and vice versa). 

If the issues of the past have not been resolved & brought out in the open, there will be a weight. The test of how strong a couple really is, is how they handle the circumstances in life and in each other.

Hebrews 12:1 says to lay aside every weight. Unresolved past issues or past relationships are weights that must be addressed so you can walk in liberty. Where the spirit of The Lord is, there is liberty. Another indicator of a weight is when an issue occurs (in or out of a relationship) and your heart rate goes up. Address that before the situation weighs you down. When the weights are laid aside and you’re at liberty, you still have to trust God. 

Most of the time we know when something within us is hindering us; we should never override it or ignore it. It must be dealt with in order to receive God's best in your life & relationship.

There will be times where we will have to ask ourselves, "how comfortable am I in my own skin with my past and can I view my past as being in the past and not bring it into my present or my future?"

What are reasons past issues/past relationships may come up in your life? Here’s one thought:

We haven’t sufficiently dealt with it, put it away, slayed that giant as it were.

Patience is good in a relationships, but the key in relationships is to move past the past to be able to give yourself totally and unhindered - and that requires faith.

Communication is vital in a relationship - both parties need to be honest and transparent with each other.  Questions such as this need to come out, "how would you feel if this were to happen?"

Sometimes it’s real easy to give a theoretical answer to a question when the real response should be “I don’t know how I’ll react to this situation if it comes up.” The reason is because the situation is not there yet, and/or you’re not husband & wife yet.

Never be pressured (or move too quickly) into a relationship because of XYZ & neither party should pressure each other as well. An Ishmael can be created as a result - the focus here is patience, faith, trust & God’s timing when a man & woman join together (or when a married couple gives birth to a child).

The Bible says in your patience you possess your soul (Luke 21:19). If two people know they're to be together, time is not to be the driver of what they do. Yes, time is to be enjoyed and time is important, but it's not to be behind the wheel of their lives.

Our timetable will always take us sooner than we should go, it can make us pay more than we thought we would pay and we will not be ready to deal with what we face at our destination. 

In the fullness of time God sent His Son (Galatians 4:4). Just like Jesus, who was sent in the fullness of time, relationships are like fruit and must be plucked in the fullness of time. Sure, we can pluck fruit at anytime, but when it’s plucked at the right time, it tastes best and it’s most delicious. 

Relationships should never be rushed because of our timetable. Ecclesiastes 3 says to everything there is a season, and a time to every matter under heaven.

Discerning of the time is very important. Gehazi made a mistake in not discerning the time (2 Kings 5:15-27). Don’t allow time to discern you and put pressure on you. In your patience you possess your soul.

In a relationship, there’s never 100% surety. If we wait till everything is perfect, that time will never seem to come.

Do you believe this scripture to also apply in relationships (from Ecclesiastes 11:4): He who observes the wind [and waits for all conditions to be favorable] will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap?

The bigger the endeavor, whether it be marriage or another endeavor that’s big, requires a great degree of faith.

Many times in relationships, people wait till the T's are crossed and the I's are dotted, but Proverbs 14:12 says There is a way which seems right to a man and appears straight before him, but at the end of it is the way of death.

A man is supposed to take care of his family, but at the same time he must have faith that God will provide (if he knows he’s not where he wants to be financially), discern the time to commit to the relationship or jump the broom, and know that God is a progressive God. #PreachingToMe :)

In a relationship, both parties should not seek to go to third base or home plate without having gone through first or second plate.

Relationships typically fail because people look at it naturally when God looks at it spiritually.

Do you believe that some (if not all) relationships require the same amount of faith & trust in God that Abraham had when he was told to leave his country and go wherever God led him?

And in closing: 

If a man has found a woman who he believes is the one, he must pray, discern the time, be patient and know that every step he takes from that point forward is a step of faith.

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

Why People Are Oblivious To Abuse & Suicide

After everything that has happened with the late Robin Williams committing suicide, I thought about my life in 2011 when I contemplated suicide. A few things were going on in my life at the time: I was writing a novel based on my life (enduring sexual abuse, and living with a mental illness), and trying to reach out to a dear friend who in the end turned her back from me and the Truth. People were scoffing me for reaching out to her and I was crushed because there were emotional ties to this friend. I felt like my life was in vain and wrote a suicide note (which is in the same novel). I was scoffed at again. So it left me a question: Why people are oblivious when others have been sexually abused and/or think of suicide until it hits someone in their own family or someone in their circle?

I asked a friend of mine who is a therapist (Jodi Aman) to share her thoughts. I'll comment after her response:

"I guess people don't mean to be oblivious. Suicide and sexual abuse are too horrible for people to think about. They are both such an attack on the soul. Their own fear and guilt take over and they either judge the situation, or avoid it. 

I know it is horribly invalidating to someone who has been abused, when no one seems to see. On the other hand, they are often scared for someone to find out as well. Same with people who have thought about or attempted suicide. There is so much (albiet unwarranted) shame involved. Some of the isolation is self inflicted because of this shame and fear of being hurt. And this is what I try to break down because building a community is foremost what we all need to feel safe, worthy and happy. 

Also, you can't blame people for not thinking about what is not on their radar. There are so many things to think about. We think about what comes into our consciousness. Like I only think about chicken food because I raise chickens. So we think about sexual abuse and suicide when it comes into our consciousness- i.e., when someone near us has the experience."

I totally get what Jodi is saying and she made a lot of valid points. What I do when I speak (and what I tried to convey in my novel - which is entitled Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid by the way), is that we need to be more proactive and more loving towards people outside our circle. It's real easy to glorify celebrities when they're hurting, but scoff at your next-door neighbor when they're going through the same hurt. Everybody deserves the same amount of love and compassion. Just like it's easy to scoff at people when they've had a rough childhood but turn around and cry for help when one of your children suffer the same thing they were scoffing others about.

In summary: hurt is real, some people may not know they have choices to make their lives better than what they endured. We have a responsibility (if we are agents of change), to serve others out of a heart of gratitude. We have been so blessed regardless of what we have endured, so don't keep that blessing to just you or your elite circle.

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

Why Doctors Don't Prescribe Meds First For PTSD

I initially wrote this blog July 21, 2014 and now I'm releasing it. I believe the time now is appropriate for this blog.

I am in the middle of reading a secular book entitled PTSD for Dummies. As someone who was diagnosed with this in 2008, I just wanted to read not only for my healing, but to understand what it’s about as well as what are ways to be cured from PTSD. So far, from what I’ve read, CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) is one way – and what that boils down to is replacing distortional thoughts that were brought on as a result of the trauma from the past (whether it be childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, emotional abuse from a relationship or from childhood, etc.) or even things recent (such as a family loss). The following chapter was talking about medications. I was really interested to see what this chapter was going to be all about, and the first paragraph caught my attention. This is what it says:

These days we have a pill for just about everything, from balding heads to overactive bladders. Thus, many people are surprised that doctors don’t treat PTSD simply by writing a prescription for some new wonder drug. But drugs, although they have their place in treating PTSD, aren’t number one on the list of treatment approaches – and often, patients don’t need them at all.

I couldn’t agree more with that paragraph if I tried. As I think about the medical (health-care) system, everything is now about putting somebody on medication and the end result is more damage done to the human body. And I commend those doctors that don’t just grab their prescription pad immediately to have someone pop a pill. Now, I’m not saying that all medication is bad. There are more serious conditions that merit it. When it comes to trauma, dealing with the mind is what’s really needed. Just like a body gets sick, a brain gets sick.

A real-life story: my first medical doctor diagnosed me with PTSD and she immediately grabbed her pad to prescribe me with Zoloft. I, of course, gave her one more chance to reconsider the second time I would visit her. She upped the stakes the second time and sought to prescribe me with Seroquel. The first medication was an anti-anxiety depressant, the second was psychotic. What baffled me when she sought to prescribe the latter drug; she went down the list of pros and cons. The cons were about 2-3 times more than the pros (and I was going to have to have my blood examined to see if I’m able to take it). At that point, I looked at her and said I must be psychotic if I take this and I left her office to never return to that therapist again. I sought another therapist recommended by a medical doctor in my church and he said straight up, you don’t need medication. In fact, he stated my gift of writing was a life saver. And he referred me to a LCSW (licensed counselor social worker). Now if you know me, you know I’m good at challenging people. Believe me, I give my LCSW a hard time every now and then, but we have that understanding.

The message: why was I so hard on the medical profession (and why am still hard on them today)? Because I believe that our health is worth fighting for. The last thing that’s needed is for the medical system to make a profit off of us while at the same time, causing unnecessary illnesses via a medicine that we really don’t need.

Anyway, back to the original lesson: I’m so glad the book stated that many doctors don’t prescribe medication as a first resort for PTSD.

If you’re someone going through the healing process and are diagnosed with any of the following: PTSD, OCD, and possibly Biploar or Borderline Personality Disorder, seek therapy and also let these Bible passages calm your mind and spirit (and don’t be afraid to pull from the roots the thoughts that are trapping you and paralyzing you): Philippians 4:13; Matthew 5:7; Luke 4:18; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Isaiah 61:3; Philippians 4:8; Galatians 6:9; Mark 11:25-26.

I encourage you wherever you are to never stop fighting for your healing and your health.

Blessings:

The Mayne Man