Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 11 - The Past)

Well, first and foremost, Happy 2017 (considering this is my first blogpost for the year 2017). I know, I’ve been procrastinating, so I ask for your forgiveness. It’s ironic that I’m posting my first blog for the year on Independence Day – and I pray that this post will allow you to break free from the past.

I was blessed to listen to a Marriage Made EZ from October 2016. It featured my parents and the special guests were the gospel duo Mary Mary and their respective husbands. As I listened, I started to reflect on my past and my journey to being free from the past (and I am free in faith).

A few years back, I did a blogpost entitled P.C.A (Porn, Children & Abuse). If you didn’t read it, I invite you to read this before continuing on with this post.

http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/10/pca-porn-children-abuse.html

The reason why I did that particular post was to address something that was haunting me, and now I want to explain that post and expand from that post. Now there are some things that you may have gone through in your past, and God may be the only person you need to confess the pain and shame from your past. The reason I am going public with this P.C.A is my desire to help others. I also know that me holding my abuse, pain and the porn that I was exposed to that would affect me for years would create so much shame. And because of the pain of the past, caused some cynicism to creep up in my spirit, which I am getting out to totally shame the devil. And I’ll be honest, I was not only introduced to sex when I was 10/11, to porn when I was 11, and the same uncle would watch porn for the next 3 years that he would either borrow from his friends, or whatever my late father would leave in the house. I would see bits and pieces of it, and I will be honest, when I was in my teens and I would watch it, it was a bit of a love/hate relationship towards it. Part of me enjoyed it, and the other part of me hated it to the core. Interesting, isn’t it?  As I got older, realizing some things in my life caused me to have so much shame for all that I’ve done in my past.

Now, let me say something when it comes to shame (actually, Tina Campbell said this during that seminar, that was so eloquent). Shame and embarrassment should never eat at you, people will say whatever they want – in fact, they don’t even know the pain you’ve experienced. Everybody has issues, so there’s no need to be embarrassed. The devil will do everything he can to get you to hold on to it, because it will keep you down.

Once we bring our inadequacies to Jesus, nobody else needs to validate our deliverance. It’s so sad that we want to boast about other people’s shame over our own. I thank God today for Him saving my life, and for delivering me from the pain that I’ve been holding for 30+ years.

I ask that you don’t go through your past alone. In order for me to attack your past, then I’m leaguing with the devil, I need to attack the root that caused your pain, which is the devil – and by the way, he’s a defeated foe. This is the day to be free and delivered. The beauty of God is that He heals from the inside out, and there are so many who are looking for a cure to heal from the outside in.

And I’ll be honest, and please forgive me. Between sharing that particular blogpost, and this particular post, there is a bit of shame and fear coming out of me (and the main reason why I’m sharing this part of my life is to shame the devil) because of some of you reading this, will see me differently. And this is something I need to be delivered from, the opinions of others (and I am delivered by faith). Not to justify my actions and behaviors because it all starts with my thoughts, the main root is the lack of validation received in childhood and that I mattered.

Before I even attempt to close this blogpost, I want to say something else. My past may have been a little jacked up, whether it be my actions in school, the porn and movies I know I should not have seen at my age, or the partners I had during the course of my abuse. If I weren’t delivered from all of this, it would totally mess up my future, and reflect on every person I was with and the porn I had watched. What I realized is this, the devil was setting me up to fail and cause certain people in my life to abuse me to distract my future and not see God’s blessing when it really comes. Remember I mentioned about cynicism earlier? I could be like, she is not from God when she really is – it’s just my spirit is messed up, and I'm allowing the initial doubt to rob me of my future because of the pain I experienced in my past – fear of being in pain again whether it be physically, mentally or financially. The key here is for me to be free, and this is my declaration of independence from my past! If you desire to be free from your past, declare your independence from your past.

Blessings.

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 10 - The Scapegoat Child)

I was reading a book over the weekend, and the word “scapegoat” stuck out at me. What was revealing was that it said at the end of this particular paragraph, “many people scapegoat, so they don’t look at the goat in the mirror.” Heavy words, but I’ll talk about that more in the end. But for now, I want to talk about the scapegoat child living in an abusive environment.

If you were to look at a narcissistic (abusive) home, the family dynamics typically look like this: one parent is a narcissist, the other parent is an enabler. If children are involved (especially if there’s more than one), one child will be the scapegoat, and the other will be the golden child. I believe the best way to talk about the scapegoat child is first sharing an excerpt from a blogpost I stumbled across as well as share pieces of my life. The name of the blogpost was entitled Why Family Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims (the entire blogpost can be read here).

https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/04/25/why-family-scapegoats-become-lifelong-victims/

If you were scapegoated by your family, two things can happen. You can become a narcissist yourself (narcissism being an elaborate defense mechanism to avoid further hurt and abuse) or you will internalize the early message that you’re worthless, defective and have no rights. I’m going to talk about the second scenario because that’s what this video is about and it’s what happened to me.

As a scapegoat, you are trained to live in fear. You become afraid to defend yourself, express your opinions, or demand fair treatment. This attitude of worthlessness, fear and shame is carried into adult life. Other people can immediately sense you are a pushover and a magnet for abuse, rejection, and bullying, and you become a target for abuse by others well into adult life.

You can become a lifelong victim unless you find a way to break the pattern. It’s difficult to unlearn, because it was established so early in life by the narcissistic parent.

Golden children, who more closely resemble the narcissistic parent or provide them with narcissistic supply (adulation), are more likely than scapegoats to become narcissists themselves. They will often become the aging narcissistic parent’s flying monkeys against the scapegoated adult child, continuing the family pattern of abuse.

Scapegoated children are the family shock absorbers. They are the children who have been assigned to absorb and internalize the narcissistic parents’ rage and to mirror back what has been projected onto them.

This is exactly what happened to me. Although because I was an only child I sometimes served the Golden Child role, for the most part I was the scapegoat. My Aspergers and high sensitivity made me even more perfect for that role.

For many years I walked around as if ashamed to be alive. I carried shame with me like a heavy burden that affected the way I spoke, the way I related, the way I thought (all the negative self-talk and self-hate), even the way I moved and carried myself. I embarrassed myself.

As I read that, I thought about my life. Because my uncle, though 2 years older than me and bigger than me, was good at manipulating me because of my psychological condition, I was an automatic scapegoat because I was five years older than my sister. Whenever he did a wrong, I was the blame for it (so I would suffer physical abuse as a result or if he told my parents, or I confessed to something I either did or didn’t do, I faced the infamous belt). Eventually, as I entered my early teens, accepting blame for everything was quite common for me, so I eventually became numb to it all and accepted everything that came my way for the most part. One thing the blogger wrote that stuck out at me was that she said that they are pushovers and magnets for abuse, rejection and bullying. Given that I have Aspergers myself, I will admit that I was naïve to certain things in life, so I endured four types of abuse (physical, sexual, verbal and emotional in the home), rejected by many in school and was bullied my freshman year in high school (because upper classmen knew my uncle and what he did to me, so that definitely made me a target). At home, the thought was that I would never succeed in the world and that I needed to stay home. Eventually, I struggled with life and how I felt about life and myself. The only thing that kept me going was my desire to know Christ even at the age of 17.

I stumbled across another blogpost that inspired this one right here (the one above inspired it also) entitled 12 Steps to Breaking Free from being the Family Scapegoat written by Glynis Sherwood. Here’s an excerpt of the her blogpost:

Did you grow up having doubts about your self-esteem or personal worth?  When things went wrong in your family, did you tend to be the fall guy?  Do you find yourself encountering recurring disrespect from friends or colleagues?  Do you feel unsure of yourself and/or have difficulty experiencing trust in relationships?

If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of these statements, you may have been scapegoated by your family.  The term ‘scapegoat’ refers to a family member who takes the blame for difficulties in the family. Scapegoating is a form of bullying.  Family relationships profoundly impact our identity and how we view ourselves.

I hope that excerpt above intrigued you like it did for me. Here's the link to read the rest of her post (which I highly recommend). She gives you ways to tell if you have been scapegoated and steps to breaking free.

http://glynissherwood.com/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat/

The more I think about it, I see my childhood throughout what she said in her blogpost. 

Glynis mentioned that one step in breaking free getting in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance. Now I can’t speak for anyone reading this but during my teen years and having lived life as a scapegoat, there was a rage inside of me and I held a lot of anger, hate and unforgiveness. Those three things came as a result of being the scapegoat child. A lot of hard core rap music at that time intensified the rage especially when I reached the age of 15. And even though I became more spiritual, there was still a root of anger, unforgiveness and pride (that I’m addressing today).  Within the roots of anger, unforgiveness and pride, what would grow as a result was a critical spirit (to the point of judging them harshly), and a fight to be right at all cost. So I couldn’t agree with Glynis more if I tried. These are things I need to practice as I type this. Oh, there’s one more thing that I have to do, and that’s to walk in forgiveness (forgiving others as well as myself).

Can I talk to the faith community (especially in the AA community) for a moment? From generations past, we grew up under the philosophy of “what goes on in the house stays in the house.” This creates an environment to abuse, but also generational curses (full of criticism, negativity towards self and others, denial, and many others). Denial is the drug of choice for many.  In most cases, when someone was abused in past generations, no one will talk about it (shame, fear of retaliation from the molester, protecting the image of the family, accused of lying about it). Because it was never addressed, it was passed down many generations. You might be dealing with it now. You were denied when you wanted to voice your abuse or you were known as a liar because you revealed family secrets, and as a result, you are living with the guilt and shame of others. As mentioned earlier, you end up scapegoating others because it was never addressed in childhood. Earlier, I was talking about the “goat in the mirror.” Let’s talk about that now.  In Biblical times when a trespass (or wrongdoing was done), a scapegoat was needed to take the blame for what the wrongdoer did. An animal was used and was slaughtered (and discarded). That’s what happens to the child who was a scapegoat. If it was never addressed, it carries into adulthood. Now when it comes to getting help in matters like this, we tend to put a spiritual band-aid over it and say, “I’m healed.” Yes, you are in faith, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to the doctor.  Think about it: your car needs an oil change, you can say, my car has oil all day long, but if you don’t take it to get it changed, you will damage your car! The same holds true for your life. The reason why many don’t want to look at the goat in the mirror is because what you dealt with in your past is ugly. 

Another way of saying it is like this. The goat that is staring at you when you look in the mirror is the pain you endured in childhood (and/or possible adulthood) that was never addressed (via denial) and now the heart is callous to where forgiving others and self is unheard of. So there's a strong chance that scapegoating will happen to shift the blame elsewhere and then kill the scapegoat to rid of the pain to avoid addressing it. Dealing with painful pasts is not easy because like an onion, there are layers. The deeper you go, the more painful it is to the eyes. In this case, it's more painful to the heart. 

Many will never be set free because they will find things in their heart or life that they really don't want to see and/or change. So they will make somebody else the blame for their own issues. The sad part is God may take them to a place to be free in their heart and soul, but because the process is painful, they will refuse to go there. Here's what's important, He is with you and in my best Michael Jackson voice, you are not alone! May I encourage you to go through the process? I promise you that there's a promise that follows after the process. 

Now, don’t make the mistake in assuming blame for what you didn’t do (like I did and struggle with at times today), that wrong done by others is on them. Take the pain that you did and cast it over to Him and get the help needed (if you believe you need it). It will require the work, but remember that’s a process. Within each process you go through in life (that has a positive outcome), there’s a promise! It’s been said, focus on the promise and not the process.

I mentioned walking in forgiveness a moment ago, but I need to say this especially to the faith community. It’s so important to walk in forgiveness, because good friendships and relationships can be destroyed because of the pain that was never been addressed since childhood (via the drug denial). And I’ll be honest I have destroyed good friendships and relationships during my walk of life due to the pain that was done to my heart and spirit. So, I have had to go back and ask for forgiveness (regardless of how I feel, it’s what the Word says). I’ve heard it said that we use faith for everything in life except for the area forgiving others and self. I am learning that I have to forgive people and myself in faith (because there will be days where seeds of doubt will creep up and say “you haven’t forgiven them, and look at you, you’re still beating yourself up”).  I have to trust God enough with my heart to forgive others and myself. It doesn’t have anything to do with what they did or said (and it’s not giving them a pass); it has everything to do with my relationship with God, spending time in prayer and meditating on His Word. Protecting myself isn’t an issue with others, if I’m vulnerable to His Word; considering if I trust God, my heart is protected and I will be able to forgive people when people will say and do mean things. My friendships and relationships get the overflow based on my relationship with God.

As always, healing is the children’s bread and you can be made whole!

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Healing The Wounds

Ok, the Mayne Man is at it again. This time, we're going to discuss wounds. I don't know if you've ever had stitches or suffered physical pain that may have either paralyzed you in some way (or may have required a cast). I never experienced the latter; however, I have had stitches. Back in the summer of 1984 (I was 10 years old), I was riding my bicycle down a hill (which was slightly behind where we lived). Of course, I fell and let's just say there was a gash in my left knee that required 6 stitches. To this day, that scar is still there. That was almost 32 years ago.

Now, why did I bring that up? Many of us have been wounded in some shape or fashion. The pain of abandonment, rejection, bullying, neglect, rape, sexual abuse, child abuse, domestic abuse, infidelity, and many other things that I didn't mention will cause a wound and create an offense. You will probably have scars (and yes, I have scars). Let me stay on track. You see, wounds have to have the right conditions to heal. 

Can I just be real for a minute? If wounds don't have the right conditions, you will more and likely set yourself up for a life of bitterness, and agonizing pain because of the wound/offense. And if the wound doesn't heal, it will create some type of collateral damage to your physical, mental, spiritual and emotional health (where it hurts you and others around you). Acting like the wound isn't there via denial will leave a greater scar than you imagined. In some cultures, the concept of "we don't talk about these things," especially when the wound is hinged on what I mentioned in the above paragraph, will scar you internally and the minute someone does or says something that triggers the horrific experience you suffered, get prepared for an explosion. I am a living witness to that! 

How many of you have looked at your scar that hasn't healed and then start to feel the anger and pain of the person that either triggered it by something they said and did or the actual person that caused the scar? How many of you have said, "I'm all good," as it relates to your wound, but you know that you are a ticking time bomb when you experience a trigger? Some of us can put on a good facade to the world (and probably to God too), but are so broken and scarred to the point we hate ourselves and the world. 

You know you are not healed when you are constantly mulling over either what you did wrong or what others did to you. And for many sexual abuse survivors, the person who wronged them might have passed away, but still mulling over it. Even worse, wishing something destructive would happen to them. 

So, what are the right conditions to healing the wounds (and getting to he path of wholeness)?

1. Like I had to with my stitches, keep them in my knee for 10 days. That's symbolic to not rushing the healing process (but at the same time, not denying that you need the healing process). 

2. Continuing from #1, part of the healing process will probably require professional help (especially if it's a pain I mentioned earlier in this post), but most importantly God. A lot of people tend to overlook this step, and this is no different than having a cast on. You know that you need to wear it for 8 weeks, but your pride is saying, "I don't want to wear it, I'm cutting it off after one week!"

Healing is no different than medicine. How many of you remember Bactine? I don't know about you, but when I sprayed it on me, that stung. But they say it's to kill the germs so it can heal. That's what real healing can be like, and because of it, some don't even bother. 

I pray this has touched you and pushing you further along in your healing process on the path to wholeness (as I am also on this journey as well).

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

The Dangers of Punishing "Self"

If you’re like me, you may have succumb to the concept of “punishing yourself” when you intentionally or unintentionally did something wrong. Or perhaps you may have punished yourself when someone else did some form of harm to you – and now you’re taking the blame of the hurt upon you. Now here’s one that bothers me because it happens at times – people will put guilt trips on you to puff themselves up and then you could fall to the trap of punishing yourself.

Regardless of how you got to the place where you are punishing yourself, there are no positives to it. In fact, the greatest danger to it is death (whether physical, mental or emotional). I would like to use Judas Iscariot as the best example. He was one of the twelve disciples but as we draw closer to the last supper before Christ was to be crucified, he decided to sell Christ out to the chief priests. Let’s go to Matthew 26:14-16.

Then one of the twelve [disciples], who was called Judas Iscariot, went to the chief priests and said, “What are you willing to give me if I hand Jesus over to you?” And they weighed out thirty pieces of silver. And from that moment Judas began looking for an opportune time to betray Jesus.

Judas was intentional in what he was doing. Drop down to verse 21 (and we will go to verse 25): And as they were eating, He said, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you that one of you will betray Me.” Being deeply grieved and extremely distressed, each one of them began to say to Him, “Surely not I, Lord?” Jesus answered, “He who has dipped his hand in the bowl with Me [as a pretense of friendship] will betray Me. The Son of Man is to go [to the cross], just as it is written [in Scripture] of Him; but woe (judgment is coming) to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been good for that man if he had never been born.” And Judas, the betrayer, said, “Surely it is not I, Rabbi?” Jesus said to him, “You have said it yourself.”

What I like about this is that Jesus actually called him out on it.

In verses 47-50, Judas came with a large crowd representing the chief priests, kissing Jesus in a deliberate act of betrayal. Once that happened, Jesus was arrested.

Now let’s go to the next chapter and go from verse 3 to 5:

When Judas, His betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was gripped with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” They replied, “What is that to us? See to that yourself!” And throwing the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary, he left; and went away and hanged himself.

Notice that the chief priests didn’t care about the money or the fact that Judas betrayed Christ. All they cared about was Christ being crucified. Judas was remorseful knowing that he sinned, but instead of seeking forgiveness from Christ, he hung himself. Some people would say that he truly wasn’t remorseful, and that may very well be true. The end result is still the same, because he didn’t let go of the guilt, he took his own life.

Now what if you are one who had a wrong done to you and you’re punishing yourself? First of all, don’t blame yourself because you’re not at fault. I ask that you allow Christ to heal your heart and the pain that you suffered.

There are so many people who are punishing themselves for mistakes they made, for the relationships that they got in that they knew they shouldn’t have (or perhaps they were blindsided after they were in the relationship), for the abuse they suffered in childhood or the abuse they endured in a relationship. Of course, this list can go on. However, the tragedy for many people who are steadily punishing themselves may not be dead physically, but they may dead internally (i.e., mentally and/or emotionally). If this is you, know that my heart cries for you.

I’m not going to just tell you to let it go (because it may have to be in stages), but I ask that you allow Christ to heal you in areas you know you’re hurt, and even in areas that you don’t know you’re hurting. If you continue to punish yourself, the enemy will do anything he can to make you stay in that state of mind so you can die in every area.

I can’t close this blogpost without saying this: if you’re one who intentionally did something you shouldn’t have done, don’t punish yourself (and the devil will do anything he can to make you believe that you can’t recover), just look at 1 John 1:9 (that’s your homework assignment – smile).  

Know that we don’t have to punish ourselves and put our lives in danger. Much love to you all.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Cheap Forgiveness

I’ve been sitting on this post for about a month. Some of you might be asking, “what do I mean when I say cheap forgiveness?” Well, have you ever offended someone, you say you’re sorry; however the person says they forgive you, but then proceeds to puff themselves up to belittle you, when in reality, they negate their even saying, “I forgive you.”

Let me give you a perfect example of what cheap forgiveness is. I did something to a person (that was unintentional), and I said that I was sorry (and really meant it). The person says, “I forgive you, but do you know who I am? You need to respect who I am; nobody talks to me that way, and you have a lot of nerve offending me.” To me, that’s like saying, “I don’t forgive you because you’re beneath me.” What we need to understand is that cheap forgiveness is really a pride issue. Of course we know that pride is sinful.

You’ll also find that those who are very skillful in cheap forgiveness are real quick to write people off. Some traits of those who are masters in cheap forgiveness:

1. They will feel they are better than you and they don’t have to accept your apology
2. They have a strong tendency to compare themselves to you (ensuring they are better than you)
3. They could care less if you’re going through, you’re to understand who they are (if they have a title next to their name, their title is to be revered).
4. They want the world to stop for them when they’re going through (this ties back to #3)
5. They are too spiritual for their own good (in essence, they’re promoting themselves and their status in the world/church). What am I talking about? I’ll use an example: if you’re helping someone who’s going through something, you are real quick in being harsh with them and then it becomes condemnation to the person you’re helping (all under the guise of “thus saith the Lord”).
6. They live in a glasshouse and they will constantly throw stones at other people. They make you the poster child so you don’t look into their glasshouse (refer to my blog entitled The AMCC – Part 4: The Poster Child)
7. They love sermons that focus on “getting rid of people who are negative.” They don’t take into consideration whether a person is going through or just being negative. Translation: those sermons satisfy their flesh.
8. Last, but definitely not least, they love to stew on the BUG syndrome of Bitterness, Unforgiveness and Grudges when somebody hurts them (even though the person wronged them asked for forgiveness). They know they can easily forgive them, they don’t want to forgive or they want to forgive on their own terms – in short, they want the person who wronged them to bow down to them!

These traits are not only sinful, but it’s also shows traces of being very hypocritical. Those who operate in offering cheap forgiveness need to understand this: just because you haven’t gone through what another person has gone through, doesn’t make you better than them. I don’t care how spiritual you are, cheap forgiveness is not God’s kind of love by any means. Read Matthew 18:23-35 that talks about unforgiveness. I’m sure cheap forgiveness would fall in the category of unforgiveness as well. I also believe when a person offers cheap forgiveness, this type of person is insecure in who they are.

How Can You Say You Love Me?

I decided to post this (even though I originally typed this May 2004 as an e-mail lesson)  because I was reflecting on my Middle School/High School life (and this lesson came to mind).  It's my prayer that this sets you free from whatever you're going through in your life or even your past. This phrase, "how can you say you love me?" isn't a new quote, in fact, it's found in Scripture (Judges 16 to be exact), but I'll address that in a moment.

I don't know if you're familiar with the story of Samson & Delilah (but I'm going to briefly recap it). Samson was a man of God and Delilah was from Sorek Valley. The Philistine kings wanted Delilah to find out what makes him strong so they can overpower him, tie him up & make him helpless (for 1,100 pieces of silver). 

Samson lied three times when Delilah asked what makes him strong, and then she says, "you're making a fool out of me."
You see, if Samson was smart, he should've smelled a rat if her only objective was to make him helpless. I'm sure for a man, if he really loves a woman he would fall into her power. Sisters, you have a lot of power (that's why they say, behind every successful man is a good woman). And I'm also sure that it works on the reverse side too. One more point, are you noticing that Delilah had only one objective for Samson (and that was to give up something that was very valuable)? What comes to mind as you relate this to everyday life? 

In the 15th verse of Judges 16, Delilah says, "How can you say you love me, when you don't mean it? You've made a fool of me three times, and you still haven't told me what makes you so strong."

She nagged and nagged, and eventually gave it. Now, how many of you were in middle school or high school (or maybe even your first 2 years in college) in the late 80s/early 90s?  This is really dedicated to you because I know you can testify to this: think back on your relationships (and it was predominantly the man pressuring the woman - your words say you love me, but your actions dictate otherwise - when they want something valuable from a woman). TV shows back then were also dealing with this topic. I see The Cosby Show plainly (when Sly was pressuring Pam to give in - or he would go to Sheniqua). Now I'm sure that many women can testify to this: when they've given themselves truly to the man they love, they ended up with their feelings hurt and the devil has overpowered them (and his demons are rejoicing). Just like the Lord stopped helping him, we lose the protection of God when we slip (no matter what the sin is). Stay put, there's a happy ending.

After the Philistines make a mockery of Samson, the Lord forgave him and granted Samson's request to die at their hands (and he would kill more of Philistines than he did in his lifetime).

No matter how far you may have gone, and no matter how many times the devil is trying to knock you off of your path, remember this one thing: the Lord will never leave you if you return to Him, forgiveness will always be there if you ask for it and confess your sin before Him. He is faithful and just to forgive you. Remember this: the devil's future is sealed, but you can decide where you go.