Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 22: Men)

Happy 2023, I am declaring that this blogpost will be the final part to close out the series Will You Be Made Whole, which I started back in 2016. A lot has transpired during that time, learning a new job, getting married, finishing Bible School, completing the Ministry Internship Program and now seeing what God is going to do in my life (especially for 2023). Let me preface a few things before I get into this topic, as it’s strange that I have to talk about men, as I am one, obviously (smile). Anyway, if things come up as it relates to being whole in any area, I’ll just make it a bonus. Feel free to go back through some of my blogposts that I’ve written, not just this series, but other things that I’ve blogged about as I’m all about the heart and soul of man. With that said, let’s talk about men. 

 

When I was 24 years old (back in 1998) I left the military and attended Florida A&M University (which we simply call it FAM or FAM-U). One of the things I discovered during the course of talking to people was the following: most of these women problems are because of us MEN! The last two blogposts have been on absent fathers with a little dash of Mary J. Blige, so we’re going to build on that, and just talk about men. First of all, don’t take this blogpost as male bashing, as that’s not the intent. Granted, many people saw Waiting to Exhale as male bashing, I didn’t see it that way; however, I saw that when I was 21, and I saw it as women that I meet on a day-to-day basis picking men that aren’t even considered men (with the exception of Gloria’s character, who ended up with a man that I would call a MAN). I’ll shut it down here, so I don’t go into my soapbox about Waiting to Exhale. I have a lot of thoughts and comments that I will spare you all of. I will say this as I think about it, I wasn’t saved when I saw it, yet a lot of the views that I have about it still remained. My late father got upset with me because I took the movie personal. I felt I had the right to take it personal as a man because it’s men out there who don’t care about a woman, that will strip their identity, break their mental and emotional state and then they end up guarded, “bitter, angry and mean” (which I call it the BAM syndrome). I can’t begin to tell you how many women I’ve met in my life that are still struggling with relationships, many of them I’ve known since college and even high school. During my college years, I would strive to live life like a Kingdom man only for women who say they “luh” God to end up with some trifling boy! Yep, I said boy, because they’re not even worth being called a man.

 

Okay, let me get back on track. Trust me, I still have more thoughts about Waiting to Exhale. By the way, Mary J. did a song for that soundtrack called Not Gon’ Cry. Pencil that as we will come back to that song. So, let’s go back to my earlier statement: the source of most women problems are because of men. If you don’t believe me, just listen to a song from Mary J. Blige. She would be the perfect example, and I pray for her heart and spirit as well as she’s dealt with some trifling men in her life. Okay, staying on task here. If you listen to the lyrics to Not Gon’ Cry, Thick of It or Your Child (my prior blogpost was on this song), the focus of each of these songs are about TRIFLING MEN that broken women can relate to and understand. Thanks to the wonderful age of YouTube, you can watch Mary perform “live” and many of the women are cheering her on while she’s internally bleeding inside. In some cases, when she’s singing those songs, she’s bleeding on others who are struggling with their own pain. Question: when songs like that are being sung, who is getting healed? Help a brother understand. What I see is anger, unforgiveness and a hard heart, which could possibly lead to high blood pressure. Understand that the enemy is using that anger, unforgiveness and all that to bring on an illness – that’s the enemy’s plot, to keep you bound and you may not even be aware of it. Now I’m just using Mary as an example as there are so many people who are hurting and are bleeding on people who are not equipped to help you heal. We’ll talk about the healing piece later on in this blogpost. The more I think about it, I had a neighbor who slit all 4 tires to a man’s car, and I can imagine a song being written about it – the sad part is that women (saved and unsaved) who have done that would glorify the song. Now, I understand writing is therapy – this is what we writers do. What’s so important in what we write is that we write healthy solutions (especially if you believe God) to these problems as we are this world’s answer. Okay, continuing on.  A lot of the songs sung by women that have been out since the 1990s have been about women issues and “I don’t need a man” or pretty much talk about trifling men. Now to those women listening to those songs, especially if they’ve been hurt mentally or emotionally, they will gravitate to songs that speak on keeping your pride and not crying. That song by the way is Karyn White’s Superwoman (1988) – by the way, it was a good song. There was another one that came out in the same year that bothered me, and it was called Thanks For My Child. I saw that as an anthem for single mothers who got pregnant by a trifling man! Yep, here it goes again. I was 14 when that came out, and for that to bother me then speaks volumes of what God was doing with me. So, back to the pride piece, you do realize that pride goes before destruction (according to Proverbs), so that will require a little humility to swallow your pride. Yes, I know you’ve been hurt my sister, and you can heal the proper way (not by a song that’s just going to keep your wound open or cause your scars to become so callous). Understand that the devil thrives off of pride, as it opens doors to fear, anxiety, worry, insecurity – things that will contaminate your faith. And it’s pride that got the devil kicked out of the garden of Eden! Also know that the devil likes it when people are pride because he will attach you to someone else who is bitter, angry and mean (BAM) and then, no healing can really take place – just straight bondage. Galatians 5:1 talks about standing fast in the liberty which Christ called you to and to not be entangled with the yoke of bondage. Some of you ladies who have been damaged by men, just need to get away from them for a season, fast, pray, so you can heal properly. 

By the way, I said this when I was 24, many women think I’m hard on them, I’m worse with men. I’m still that way today. We men have got to get it together, I have to take my role as a husband, father and a man of God seriously, as we are losing men to the prison system, to the devil, and sadly, to death!

 

I’m not finished with this just yet. It’s sad that I have to talk about this, yet it’s so very important that it needs to be addressed. I remember writing a sermon via e-mail in 1998 about the concept of Defilement – what I was addressing was Genesis 34, where Shechem rapes Dinah, and then two of Jacob’s sons killed Shechem as a result. What Shechem did before he raped her was eyed her in a spirit of lust. And that’s what I saw going on during my time at FAMU (especially my first year) and many of the women were so gullible (like they dropped off all the spiritual wealth they gained at home) once they got to campus. And today, the concept still hasn’t changed. It’s men like that (with an evil eye and heart) seeking to damage women – of course, we all know it’s the devil who is after the woman. Why? Glad you asked, understand that it was the woman who birthed Jesus that would crush the devil’s head! And God even stated that he would put enmity between the devil and the woman (Genesis 3). And that’s the devil’s plan, to send men like Shechem to women with the sole intent to break you physically, mentally and spiritually to where you believe that you are damaged goods. What’s so sad and I’m glad my pastor (Dr. Mike Freeman) posed these two questions: how are we men not paying for the babies we made? And why are we letting women go to court to get us to pay child support? Another pastor (Pastor Ken Friendly) said this and I had to agree: it’s a tragedy when a man (father) won’t pay child support and have the audacity to live better than the children and mother who birthed his children. 

 

It's true, we men have to get it together. This absent father syndrome needs to stop, yet we men must be held accountable, considering the strength of a nation is determined by the male population. I’ve said this for some time and got flack (even to the point where someone verbally attacked me for it): at men’s conferences, we’re usually talking about sex or pornography, and that’s fine. We’re dealing with the acts and that’s fine, the issue is as follows: we’re not dealing with the whole man here. Many of the men don’t know what it means to be a husband, a father, or a man of God. I believe if we deal with those three, then the acts can clear up simultaneously. If we just keep talking about sex and pornography at these men’s conferences without teaching men how to be a man of God, a father and a husband, then men would never graduate from the “boy” state!

 

In summary, we all (men and women) need to go to work on our lives and be healed and whole from the damaged that was done to us from our past. Now let’s talk about this thing called “work.” Praying and declaring the Word and healing scriptures is fine. Some work is needed, seek Holy Spirit and not your inner conscious (Proverbs 3:5), talk to a counselor (secular or Christian), talk to a pastor, allowing yourself to be vulnerable to an authentic pastor and to God so that your scars and open wounds can heal properly. If you pray and declare without doing the necessary work, you’ll still end up bound – considering, faith without works is dead. Take that first step, so that you can let God know that you’re serious – understand that the enemy will seek to stop you whether it’s to prevent you from taking that first step or midway. The key is to have the discipline to follow through! I trust and believe that you can be made whole. Remember the story in Luke 17 where the 10 lepers got healed, two came back and gave thanks, and they received wholeness. There’s a difference between the two, healed is for a certain thing, wholeness is for everything! In your process of getting whole, give thanks in the midst of your process! Look to the promise while going through your process. You can make it; you have the Mayne Man in your corner routing for you and most importantly, God is routing for you! 

 

Blessings,

 

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 9 - Abuse & Destructive Words)

I was getting ready to go workout, and I stumbled across this episode of Judge Mathis on TV. I do need to issue a TRIGGER WARNING because some words will be said that might create triggers and I want to be sensitive to wherever you are in your journey to healing; if you haven’t started, I pray that this post will encourage you to start your journey to healing. Here’s a YouTube clip that personifies how destructive words can be to someone who was abused and/or neglected.  It really heats up around 1:50 till the end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGM6kZMvkWw

If you were not able to view it, that’s ok. Since I saw it from the beginning, let me catch you up to the point where the clip begins: the mother filed a lawsuit against the daughter (the defendant) and the daughter files a counterclaim for emotional distress. The daughter testified that she told her mother about the abuse, but she was beaten with an extension cord and was told to not bring it up again. So, the daughter kept that inside until she was older. Because the daughter never addressed her pain, she ended up on drugs and her mother took care of her daughter’s kids as a result.

Here’s what stood out to me within the clip:

Daughter: I have a letter from my doctor; I have the text message (from my mother) of how I enjoy being molested.

Judge Mathis (to the mother): You didn’t say anything about her enjoying being molested. Read where it says she enjoyed being molested. This is the worst thing I’ve heard in 17 years!

The doctor says this: this letter to remind you (the daughter) that you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the catastrophic experiences you have encountered in your life especially when you were a defenseless child. You are currently having an exasperation of this disorder after about 5 years of stability. The most likely reason for your decompensation is the manner you were reminded of your past by the person who had the responsibility of protecting you from harm.

Mother (reading the text message): I didn’t find out nothing about you or anybody until you were an adult. That’s why I said that you must’ve liked it because you kept going over there.

I don’t know about you, but for a mother to tell a child, “you must’ve liked it because you kept going over there,” is a slap in the child’s face. I can’t speak for other abuse survivors, but I can definitely say this (as an abuse survivor): I didn’t like the abuse (well, eventually I became numb to it because no one was going to protect me because of the grooming), but I also knew that I had no choice in the matter because my voice didn’t matter. The more I think about it, I told my parents the whole story when I was 22, and the response was, “why didn’t you say something then?” My response was, “would you have believed me, and besides, I had a choice, be beat up by my uncle who was bigger than me and good for making me pay for the mistakes he made as well as my own, or receive the belt from you.” It’s been said that the moment your abuse occurred and no help was provided, can actually have you stuck at the age when the abuse occurred. See the blogpost that was released 8/7/16 on Loss of Childhood.

I need to talk specifically to the AA community (since we’re real good at denying things, and holding dearly to the philosophy “what goes on in the house, stays in the house”): When you deny that your child is being abused, or you neglect their care when you know they are being abused, your actions truly speak louder than words. When you put a spiritual band-aid over someone who’s been abused (telling them they are healed and cursed are they if they seek help – yes, I know that generations past were great at keeping things inside the house), that root of hurt will fester into anger, rage, bitterness, and don’t be surprised if the child (now an adult) acts up and ends up in a world of trouble, if not dead mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally.  One more thing, we should never curse someone or tell them to deny that they are suffering from a disorder especially if they have been through something traumatic (and never had a support group to help them heal, or never sought professional help). And yes, there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help, so can we please come off of your religious pedestal for a moment? If the truth be told, and the truth should be told, we all have something that we’re dealing with – we’re not immune to what’s going on in this world. We should be able to support each other, fight for each other’s healing, encourage them to heal (seeking help if needed as well as spiritual counseling, praying healing scriptures) and not live in denial. We’re all in this together. Thank you, now to continue with this post.

Unfortunately, for many who have been abused (even though this is really addressing child sexual abuse, but I can also say for many who have been abused of any type and regardless if it occurred in childhood or adulthood), they end up with PTSD. Other disorders that could occur are BPD (borderline personality disorder), Bipolar, DID (dissociative identity disorder – I would encourage you to be tested for this if your abuse occurred under the age of 6) or even worse Schizophrenia (whether mild or full-blown).

Since this blogpost is about abuse and the power of destructive words, let’s really talk about this.

The mother on Judge Mathis had the unmitigated gall to say, “You must’ve liked it…” Regardless of where the daughter was on her road to healing, those words spoken were destructive and spoke death over her daughter. If you read between the lines, the mother was saying, “I don’t give a ____ about you, whatever happens to you will happen.” Granted, the mother might have had her own demons to fight, but the mother has a responsibility to the child to nurture and protect – and listen to the child when they say they’re molested, and not beat them with an extension cord saying, “they’re lying.” Telling a child “they’re lying,” are destructive words to the child (especially if they’re telling the truth).

Here are some examples of words or phrases that are destructive to someone who has suffered abuse or neglect:

• There’s nothing wrong with you
• He or she is just acting out and wanting attention
• Why are you lying? I will punish you for your lies (your molester would never do that to you)

I just wanted to give you a few, I’m sure those of you who are reading can come up with much more.  Here are some things that I had to hear during my childhood after my abuse:

• Because you don’t have a girlfriend, you are a homosexual (male relative)
• I understand you’re trying to be religious, but you need to be out there with the women (male relative)
• The way you act around the house, you will never make it through basic training (female relative)
• The way you act around the house, you aren’t fit for college dorm life (female relative)
• Look at your clothes; they’re cheap (male relative - paraphrase)
• The reason why your collarbones stick out is because you have AIDS (classmate in 7^th grade)

What I wanted to say to the male relative at the time who made the first two remarks was that I knew a lot more than he thought, and there were a few women in school that I thought were attractive that I would’ve wanted to hit it and quit it. Two buffers were in place: 1-most of the girls in school thought I was goofy and immature (mainly because I was acting out as a result of the abuse – which they knew and did their best to stay away from me) and 2-the grace of God. I believe He stopped it so that I wouldn’t damage not only their life, but mine considering I had experience with a female relative to the point where I knew as much as someone in an X-rated movie. Now my parents didn’t know about that incident at the time – and I’m glad they didn’t because I probably wouldn’t have been alive today. In response to the female relative (knowing that I couldn’t talk back to this particular relative), I enlisted in the military to 1-prove that I can make it on my own (that would come with a set of problems, which I’m addressing now in my 40s) and 2-fulfill the dream that was inside my heart when I was in high school (I was not about to let her words destroy the future that was inside my heart). To the male relative (who talked about my clothes), that was the uncle who molested me (he put me through hell between ages 8-14, and most of what came out of his mouth towards me was destructive). The backlash to my uncle’s words for me was that it created a rage inside of me (with no place to release it – except school). I was angry, bitter, and I kept it all inside. So to cut people with words if they wanted to hurt me was the norm (and a form of protection – note, I had an epiphany at 16, which I believe God was making me realize that I can’t continue to live my life like this). Believe me when I say that I was willing to defend myself at all costs (and I vowed as I got older to defend the woman I marry – off subject: many women see me as such a sweetheart, and probably assume that I don’t carry the trait that I will defend a woman if needed; don’t get it twisted, I will gladly defend and fight for my wife and beside my wife to the death if the situation warrants it – never against her).  The classmate in 7^th grade gave me a crash course of AIDS; however, her words could’ve crushed my chance at life – knowing that once you end up with AIDS, your life for the most part is over.

Now I don’t want to make any excuse for the destructive words I may have said to people during my teen years and in adulthood. Some of them came from a place of hurt, and the remainder was out of pure ignorance. So, if you were the recipient of any words that were destructive to your ears, I ask for your forgiveness.

Can we be healed from destructive words? Absolutely! Once we realize the life and death are in the power of the tongue, we won’t harm others or ourselves. Healing is the children’s bread, and I hope you stand with me as we are on the path to wholeness.

Here’s an example of positive words that will assist in your healing process. Using Proverbs 12:18 as an example, a confession can be made from this verse that speaks life to the body.

Proverbs 12:18 – Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal.

Confession: My tongue makes me well. I have what I say. I say, The Lord is my Healer. I say, He takes sickness away from me. I say, No plague can come nigh my dwelling. I say, He healeth all my diseases. What I confess, I possess. My words make me well. There is healing power in my words, for they are God’s Words. I speak health to every muscle, tissue, fiber, and cell in my body. I release God’s healing power with my words into my whole body. Healing is mine!

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 4 - Abuse & Relationships)

This topic was dropped on my spirit on my way to work this morning, and it also disturbed me to the point that I had to talk to God about this on my way home from work. After working out late this afternoon, the real meaning of this was revealed and as a result, here’s a blogpost about a topic that is healing for me, and for those who need a healing as a result of childhood abuse and/or domestic abuse. Please brace yourself for this (and grab some tissue just in case), as we heal together.

The desire to love someone is a beautiful thing. But you know it can be a daunting task if there are some unresolved issues from childhood. I didn’t realize it during my high school years and a good portion of my 20s and 30s. Speaking for me, I refuse to go into my 42nd year of life (starting tomorrow) going backwards with no progress. In fact, I speak healing over my life and over everyone that needs a healing right now, so I believe we are all healed right now (yes, this is by faith until we see the manifestation).

Using my life as the base for this post, I would like to share what are some ramifications that can occur if unresolved issues from childhood aren’t resolved. You’re probably thinking, “You’re just now realizing this?” Well, I believe the Lord will reveal it when we’re ready to take it head on and/or we’re capable of understanding the purpose behind it.

I started my 10th grade year in 1989 in a new school. My father received orders to Germany before the school year began so we moved there and I started the 10th grade there. There were two high school friends that stick out to me as I type this post (one already knows about this post, as I shared the base of this post with her) – in fact they were new to the school as I was (and we met during New Student Orientation – something to that effect). The first friend was Carla and the second friend (the one who knows about this) was LaShaunda. Let me start with Carla first.

Carla was in the same grade as me, and I remember just being so wrapped up in her (and I believe that I carried her books at one time), but she wouldn’t even give me the time of day. She would leave Germany after our 11th grade year. I’ll come back to Carla later on as we reconnected in 2010 via Facebook.

LaShaunda was a freshman, and I remember her having a boyfriend the first 5 months of the school year. One day after they broke up, we were talking at the Laundromat and she made a comment to me that resonated to my 15-year-old mind. She said, “I am a one man woman, and all I want is a one woman man.” That really made me think about how I should carry myself, as I was becoming a man. As the summer progressed, she was very instrumental in furthering my pursuit for Christ. I was searching for Christ during the midst of my abuse (which I’ll share parts of it as it relates to relationships in a moment), but for her to say that she was trying to get right with the Lord made me desire to go deeper in my quest. Of course, we became special friends at that time (and granted, we’re still friends today). When I asked her out, she said something to me then that I didn’t understand, but I understand it now as God was revealing something to me today. She said, “I can’t be with you because you think of me more than yourself, and you think I’m God’s gift to the world, I’m not.” Back then, I didn’t understand, and yes, I cried my eyes out.

So what is the message in the midst of what she said? First of all, if you have been abused in childhood (this also includes, abandoned, rejected or neglected), there’s a strong chance that you will have a skewed view of a healthy relationship if it was never addressed via counseling. In fact, because of the abuse, there’s a level of emotional and mental pain that was never addressed and I can’t forget the manipulation piece. That manipulation piece damaged the psyche of the mind. I know it did for me. A little off subject, but it’s true: if you have been abused in a marriage relationship, manipulation, which is a tactic of the devil, can literally destroy someone spiritually, mentally, financially and emotionally. And when the demonic spirit grabs hold of someone, it will plant seeds such as “you’re the one who caused it.”  Back to the message of what she was saying to me. Second, because no love was found in the house you grew up in as a result of the abuse, there’s a strong chance of trying to find someone who will appreciate you and indirectly, you actually make either the person or the concept of “love” an idol. And God is a jealous God. That’s the revelation that I received today. Third, I made reference to there being a strong chance of trying to find someone who will appreciate you. If God is not consulted, there’s a possibility that God will not mandate the relationship and it will be pure hell. He wants to protect us, but at the same time, give yourself some credit if you messed up. He’s a forgiving God. For most of us, when we were young and have been through something traumatic, we didn’t have a full understanding of God. I know I didn’t even though I was on my quest, so a lot of choices and decisions were made based on my emotions (yes, I was feeling emotions like Mariah Carey at that time of my life – smile). I don’t know what background you grew up in, if they were deep in church (even though they abused, neglected or abandoned you), there’s a possibility that your view of God may be warped as a result of what you had to endured.

What were some things that were going on in the house that I grew up in that gave me a skewed view of relationships?

1. Without question, there was sexual abuse and physical abuse from a family member who lived in the house (and was overlooked).
2. There was gas lighting that permeated the house on a consistent basis. How did it come? For me, my sexuality was questioned by my family including the family member who abused me) because I didn’t have a girlfriend. The way you act around the house shows signs that you’re immature (of course, being autistic was never questioned).
3. Even though I was the only one who was interested in God during my childhood, my parents were the most anti-church group of people you ever wanted to meet.

So how did I go through high school? Well, I stayed to myself a lot. You could say my anxiety levels were extremely high (due to my undetected autism, and survival). I was trying to find an out and someone to appreciate me – sadly I had no concept of love at all. And granted, when I went through school, I was considered immature because of my undetected autism. I was different, and that I was only good for being a friend.

You could say that my childhood really affected my concept of relationships, and trying to find something that would bring me joy. Well, the irony of that was in 1996, I believe the Lord wanted me to rid of every woman that I was supposedly interested in so that I could make an intelligent decision to give my life to Him.

Still in the healing process, there were some things that I did that I thought was God, but the truth was, it was me and putting God’s name on it (knowing full well, that was all me). How many of you can testify to this? The beauty of God is that He knows my flaws, my mental and emotional stability, and He’s the only one who loves me regardless (the same holds true for you too). He wants a relationship with me, just like He wants one with you.

Oh yes, you’re probably wondered what happened when I reconnected with Carla via Facebook. Well, she apologized for how she treated me. I accepted her apology and I apologized for how I treated her. I also stated that I was in a time in life where I was attracted to any woman who had a pulse.

Why was that? For me, it was cover up a lot of pain that I had inside (remember, I was 15, and I was dealing with so much abuse since childhood). The more I think about it, middle school and high school for me was really about who could rap, who could dance, and who had a girlfriend. Well, I could rap (and sing), I couldn’t dance, and I sure didn’t have a girlfriend. You could say that I went through a lot of my life hurt and lonely, and couldn’t figure out why. Well, when I realized that the abuse had done so much damage to me, lately, I have had to let the Lord speak to me as I now understand the art of ‘shut yo’ mouth!’

Most of my 20s and 30s was spent with a wall up to protect my heart because of the pain that I had endured. For me, it became a norm even as the Lord is breaking some of them even as I type this. But at the same time, most of the problems in this arena actually resided with me. Now, the actual abuse was NOT my fault. And if you have been abused, rejected or abandoned either in childhood or due to a bad relationship, that is NOT your fault. I don’t care if so-called friends and even church members say that it is. They are lying to you and leaguing with the devil to further prevent your healing process.

I know for many reading this, this is a hard thing to do – to look at the abuse you suffered to see if this plays a role in the committed relationships you’ve been in (or lack of – like me). But the God that I serve wants to heal those wounds and scars in you and me. He wants to heal our mental and emotional psyche that the devil is striving to destroy within us. Jesus is asking each of us, “Will You Be Made Whole?” I pray that you will man up (or woman up) and say yes even though this healing of abuse process is difficult. One more thing, know that you may not ever get closure from the ones who abused you, abandoned you, rejected you, or neglected you (I’m referring to childhood here, not domestic abuse). If you give God those parts that you desire closure in, He will bring you closure. Surrender the BAM (bitter, angry, mean) state to Him so that He can give you a heart to forgive them (but more importantly, forgive yourself). We deserve to be free, we deserve to have our years restored, and we deserve to be made whole! If we desire to be in a relationship (even after all that we endured in life), we deserve full healing in our lives because it’s God’s will that we be made whole! Healing is the children’s bread. He’s waiting on us to come to Him and lay ourselves before Him. He loves us so much.

If this blogpost wasn’t for anybody else, this was definitely for me.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Fighting For Love With A Purpose

This was a lesson that I did for a singles group on Facebook focused on love & relationships back on April 12th, 2016. The group admins were focusing on the topic “purpose” for the month of April, the title came to me, as I was getting reading for work on The 7th of April. The next day, I started to type the lesson and it just flowed. I will admit that this is lengthy (but I’m going to strive to edit this for the blogpost). I was able to divide this into 20 posts (with some interludes and a bonus that was not expected). I will have you listen to some songs as you’re reading specific posts (you should be able to click the links, but if you can’t, I’ll tell you what the song is so you can YouTube it and be ministered to as you read. And yes, this is still along the lines of healing that I’ve been blogging on since April.

(Intro) 7:59am

Good morning. It is a privilege and honor to be your guest speaker today. First and foremost, I thank God for this day and this moment and now I have to thank the admins for allowing me to minister to you today. I pray that you will be blessed by what I’m about to talk about today, so before we begin, let’s pray.

Father, in the name of Jesus, I thank You for your many blessings, and we thank You for giving us Your breath of life. We thank You for Your Word, and we ask that You send forth revelation knowledge to bless everyone in this group today. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

(Post 1 of 20) 8:10am

Today’s topic is called Fighting For Love With Purpose and the foundational scripture is 1 Timothy 6:12. Keep in mind, that even though this is about love, this teaching can actually be applied to any area of your life.

So some of you might be wondering, why is this called Fighting For Love With A Purpose? It’s a great question; so let me give you the answer. When you desire a love that leads to marriage, remember that the devil hates the institution of marriage.

The minute a man of God and a woman of God connect (their gifts complement each other, and they’re each other’s best friend), the devil gets scared. So what the devil’s going to do is send obstacles to challenge your faith in that very thing that the Holy Spirit has placed in your heart, a spouse. What’s the purpose in the fight for love? To not lose faith in love, the marriage partner that will complement your gifts and most importantly, to the God who created Marriage. So, you will have to on purpose, fight to keep that dream you have for love alive (until you see it manifested)!

With that, let’s read -> 1 Timothy 6:12 says (from the Amplified Bible): Fight the good fight of the faith [in the conflict with evil]; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and [for which] you made the good confession [of faith] in the presence of many witnesses.

Notice that it says fight the good fight of faith. So before we really begin, let me give you a song to prepare for what we’re about to get into. So, the devil is about to be exposed and I believe some people are going to be delivered or will actually be a warrior for the Lord and for the man/woman you’ve been praying for by the time the teaching is done. If you want to look at Ephesians 6:10-18, feel free.

Charles Jenkins - War

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcsRGgnf1No

(Post 2 of 20) 8:21am

How many of you are now pumped and ready to begin? Praise God. In the first part of 1 Timothy 6:12, it says fight the good fight of faith. What is faith? Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Since we’re talking about love today, love is what many of you are hoping for (unless you plan on remaining single for the remainder of your life – and if God has called you to celibacy, praise God for that). In order to receive that hope for love, you have to have faith. So, why does Paul say to fight the good fight of faith?

It’s a good fight because you win – provided you don’t lose heart.

Because you’re technically not fighting the devil, the devil is after your faith. 


Now let’s think about it, why is the devil after your faith? If he can steal your faith in Christ and in what He’s promised you, you will be a casualty and he can wreak havoc in your life. When your believing is off, your speaking will be off and eventually your life will be off. And if he has his way, he'll cause you to be so hurt to where you have mental blocks. Those mental blocks will keep you from not only the love of a mate that you so want, but also from God's best.

(Post 3 of 20) 8:32am

Let me devote a post to talk about faith and the devil’s plan to destroy your faith through a bad relationship. If you have gone through a bad relationship, either your faith is strong (and you recovered) or your faith is weak (to where you’re bitter). In most cases, the devil purposely caused the relationship to go bad (either from the start and you knew it, but still went through it – an open door for real; or you were blindsided as the relationship progressed, etc.). That was not to condemn you in any way. The reason why he did this was to steal your faith. I heard someone say this: if the devil can separate you from your faith, he can separate you from your ability to be victorious according to 1 John 5:4. In fact, the devil really doesn’t care about you, but he does care about the faith you have in Christ. Why is this so important? Because this is a faith fight, and if the Holy Spirit has given you the desire to love, then don’t think that you aren’t going to have to fight for it (and have faith that He will provide). So, keep this in mind: we’re not fighting the devil, a demon or a person. If he can separate us from our faith, then he will control you if not destroy you. Again, this means war! 
Look at Job for a moment; the devil thought that if he could wreak havoc in his life, Job would denounce his faith in God. Many of you know in 13:15 that Job says a powerful phrase, “Though he slay me, yet I will trust him.” Of course, it wasn’t God who slayed Job, it was the devil. Sadly, Job’s wife lost faith in Job and wanted Job to curse God. Job just had to go through the process in order to receive the promise. So, that brings me to my next song. If you can focus (and wait) on the promise, you can go through the process whether it’s good, bad or ugly.

Fred Hammond – They That Wait

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYrI7oClid0

(Post 4 of 20) 8:43am

Now let’s bring it back to love, since that is what we’re talking about. Waiting for love can be a challenge. But is it really a challenge? To your flesh, absolutely! To your spirit, nope! So, this is why we’re to deny the flesh and submit to God. Some of you might be wondering why is the wait so long? It can vary on many reasons. I heard a sister friend say these three things, but I’m going to give my thought on them.

1. No consistent prayer life
2. Baggage from your past
3. God’s Timing

The first one, no consistent prayer life, really needs any explanation. But for the benefit of those who may not understand, let me explain. Does this mean you do a shut-in, stay in your prayer closet 24/7? Not totally, but the key here is really to commune with God (and for some of us, we just have to stop talking and just listen). Some of our prayers have to really change: I pray for this person to be my wife; I pray for this person to be my husband – how many of you have heard those before? Please don’t pray them. What God has actually had me do in the past few weeks is to start praying for/over my wife even as a single man (and I would encourage you to start praying over your spouse – the purpose is to get your heart right before God, and so He can fine tune how you pray His will for your spouse). I believe one reason He is having me do this is so when I receive my realized dream in the natural, I’m prepared (the key here is to be proactive). Another reason is so my heart is tuned to His prayers (especially when I’m praying in the Spirit). So many enter relationships unprepared. Is she the primary focus of my prayers? No, because I have to make Christ the first priority and He will not stand having your spouse as an idol. So, how do you build a consistent prayer life? Have a set time to pray. I’ll be honest, I pray when I’m in the shower – this is actually where my Jacob’s ladder is. It doesn’t matter where you pray, just give God some of your time every day, and meditate on His Word daily (I’ll talk about this thing called a “soul simulator” near the end of this lesson). Not because you want love, but because you love Him for who He is! So, let’s worship Him because of who He is right where you are! And besides, if you on purpose, delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart. But don’t think that you’re just going to have the desires without a fight. So, you better put on your boxing gloves, or better yet, just whip the devil by blasting this song and just worship!

Israel & New Breed – You Are Good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E0ygsK9jMU

And a bonus: Martha Munizzi – Because of Who You Are:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9P1wdJqGdA

(Post 5 of 20) 8:54am

Before I dive deeply into #2, let me skip over that and cover #3 first. This is about God’s timing. There are things that may have to happen before two hearts beat like one. For one person, God may want them to focus on a certain career, clean up their credit (now these are just examples), break any soul ties from their past, and be healed from their past. For another person, some soul ties from their past may need to be broken, and the list goes on. So, the key here is to not be presumptuous, but to trust God’s timing. Now will this easy? No. Will you have to fight as you wait? Yes. You are fighting/waiting for love with a purpose. As you are waiting on God, you are to be busy with His kingdom (that has to be first and foremost because you are a child of God). Take the time to ask God what needs to be addressed in your life so I can go from faith to faith and glory to glory. But also be willing to master the art of "shut yo' mouth!" Because what God may have you do won't make sense to your senses.

(Post 6 of 20) 9:06am

Now, let me talk about #2. Baggage from your past is really where I want to spend the rest of my time. If you’re currently wrestling with the baggage from your past (to the point that you’re doing everything you can to spot flaws in every person you come in contact with), that might be a case of oppression. You may also be dealing with baggage from your past when you start looking at your true brothers and sisters in Christ as your enemy. Understand, this is an indicator that your faith in God may be off. As stated in a prior post, once your faith is off, your thinking will be off, then your speaking will be off and eventually, your life will be off balance. If this is your battle, you’re not alone and please, please, please, don’t go it alone. Find a true brother/sister who is willing to lift up a war cry for you (and not cast you aside as a basket case). You are so worth fighting for (don't give up on yourself or don't give up on your healing), Jesus came to set your free. So, before I go further, let me give you a song that nearly had me in tears when I first heard it all the way through.

Brian Courtney Wilson – Worth Fighting For

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSD81hFaIjo

(Post 7 of 20) 9:15am

If the devil can keep you bound with the baggage of your past, bringing all forms of guilt to your mind, such as “look at you, you broke a vow to God; you’re not redeemable!” “You know He hates divorce,” If you are struggling with this, can you declare this: Devil, you are a liar!

(Post 8 of 20) 9:28am

Now I’d like for you all to talk back to me. I am willing to believe that many in this group will be able to identify with this, and I also would like to challenge you from here on out.

Would you say that the main reason (if this applies to you) you want to remain single for the rest of your life is because you were damaged so badly? And you’re willing to not give God access to your life (or that area) because of the damage being so bad? Would you say that it’s a “trusting God” issue? Note: if God has called you to a life of celibacy, this won’t apply to you. Give God praise if He has truly called you to a life of celibacy.

(Post 9 of 20) 9:38am

Speaking of which, if you were damaged so badly, have you found yourself putting on a façade for your kids, your family and to the world? Is there a possibility that you have even put on a façade before God (considering He already knows that you’re hurt)? If I can encourage you as a brother in Christ, He already knows. In fact, here’s a song that was one of my favorites when I was a senior in high school (yes, I’m showing my age). I hope this song blesses you (and if you could hear me, you would hear me sing BeBe’s parts, note for note – in other words, I can sing – in fact that was my childhood dream). Anyway, if you’re one who’s carrying the pain of your past inside, know that I’m literally crying for you. Jesus doesn’t want you hurt (in fact, I’ll talk about an altar experience in my next post). Healing is the children’s bread.

BeBe & CeCe Winans – You Know And I Know

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ln63ubUhpQ

(Post 10 of 20) 9:49am

If you have a Bible near you, flip over to Genesis 22. It’s a very familiar story about Abraham and Isaac. God wanted Abraham to offer Isaac up as an offering. Now watch as the Lord dropped this in my heart. Now Isaac was a teenager when this event occurred. He could’ve willingly said I’m not going to do this. But both Abraham and Isaac were obedient. Now what was significant about this offering? It’s a total trust that God will provide if we surrender our body and life to him. What Abraham was saying when he did this was that I love God more than I do my son. What Isaac was saying that I have faith that God knows what He’s doing. And Abraham was instilling in Isaac that this is a time of worship and there’s a blessing when we’re obedient. So, an altar experience is needed for every one of you who has suffered pain that’s in your heart, soul and spirit. When you lay your life down on the altar, you are letting God burn the hurt out of you. The devil doesn’t want you to go to the altar (in fact he’ll planting a seeds of doubt that “you need to carry this pain of your past with you”). God wants to free you from the hurt but He also wants to test your faithfulness. Why? Because faithfulness brings promotion! The devil doesn’t want you promoted. Let me pause so you can praise Him in advance for your promotion as you make this declaration: Father, my life is no longer my own. I trust you with my life, my future, and the spouse you are preparing for me. I present my body as a living sacrifice, and I ask right now that you remove any hurt, emotional pain that’s in those places that I’ve bottled up in my heart; I believe that mental healing, physical healing and emotional healing is my portion and it’s part of the salvation package.

(Post 11 of 20) 9:55am

If you follow me on my FB wall, you know I talk extensively when I do lessons about what the body of Christ needs to do (as my ministry is really outside the church walls, but also ensuring that the inside is cleaned up so we don’t become beautiful on the outside, but full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean inside (Matthew 23:27).

I promise this is my one post on this.

Having said that, what bothers me so much, is our failure to be our brother/sister's keeper when someone is oppressed especially in the realm of relationships. No one should allow a brother/sister be so mentally/emotionally sick. So, any assignment the devil has over your life (and over my future spouse), I cancel that in Jesus' name. The devil wants to keep a brother/sister bound especially if he/she has suffered a death of a relationship. And if he can sabotage a person with the mistakes they willingly made, they will have wrong thinking. Sadly, there are bitter prophets, bitter apostles, bitter evangelists, bitter pastors and bitter teachers out there sucking the life of hurt people like a vacuum cleaner. I come against all of their teachings (as they are itching their ears with lies from the devil) in Jesus’ name.

Are you with me? We need each other to survive.

(Interlude 1) 10:10am

How important is it to not judge a hurt person’s emotions and holding the hurt person’s past against them?

(Interlude 2) 10:21am

Do you agree or disagree that when a hurt person is guarded & holds back, it’s because they are scared of getting into a relationship so fast (even though they know you’re right for them), when nothing in their past was ever made to last?

(Interlude 3) 10:33am

This is dedicated to the men - When we meet a woman who’s been hurt, we need to understand that she’s not our enemy. Sometimes she will not tell you everything about her life (and rightfully so), her past; understand who she is right where she is and just pray for her. That speaks volumes. Make the focus on her and her healing. A woman could be hurt because of something we may have said or done. Don’t hide it from her; tell the truth irrespective of the outcome.

Share your thoughts. Ladies, you can chime in too.

(Interlude 4) 10:43am

This is dedicated to the women - When you meet a man who’s been hurt, you need to know that he is not your enemy (especially if he’s covering you, and his heart’s desire is to grow in God – and that’s his first priority). We men have a strong tendency to let pride take over when we have so many hurts in our lives. Just pray for him right where he is. That speaks volumes.

Share your thoughts.

(Post 12 of 20) 10:55am

I want to devote this post as an opportunity to challenge you to offer up sentence prayers to the Lord on behalf of your brother or sister who is living in a state of emotional unavailability (as a result of a tumultuous relationship, marital infidelity, a painful childhood). It’s one thing to say, “Oh, they need to heal,” or just pass them off as broken people to leave them in the state they’re in. We can talk about them all day long, but then pray for whatever you desire. So, let’s start breaking chains off of brothers/sisters you know or may not know who desperately need your prayers. In fact, their spiritual life, mental life, emotional life and physical life is depending on your prayers. Some are denying their emotional pain (which is what the devil wants them to do – and some of them have succumb to denial); some have allowed their hearts to become so callous to where they hate the opposite sex. Some are too proud to even seek counseling, or to release their pain to God who loves them so much. Some don’t even know that they are even wounded to the point they are so callous to others and they believe that it’s normal. They’re not a ‘chic with an attitude’ as one woman would say. While they are in this state of mind, the enemy is sending decoys to really destroy their lives. I refuse to let them stay bound anymore. I told you all this fight is real. Don’t let me get spiritually drained or emotionally drained as I pour my heart praying for those who are bound by the devil (some have been bound for 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years). They want to be free! They need a healing. As you listen to this song, just start praying (and you can type your prayers in the comments below). Remember, we have the authority to loose those bands of bondage!

Jesus Culture – Break Every Chain:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3q_hLdiVZI

Tasha Cobbs – Break Every Chain:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2y2OPqJJag

(Post 13 of 20) 11:07am

The reason for the prior post is because for many, your spouse may be one who’s currently in that “emotional unavailability” state, but needs your prayers so they can start their journey with Christ as He leads them to wholeness. Let’s face the hard reality, some may feel they are not ready. So, they just keep hurting. And I don’t know about you, but my heart really cries because they’re too strong to be weak. That mentality really signifies anger and a lot of fear. And what the devil is doing is planting seeds of “bad men” and “bad women” in their paths because they’re so off the path with the faith that God has given them and they will deceive them totally. This breeds another topic (legalism) which I will talk about a few posts later. Understand that the devil wants to keep these people in a position to where they’re not ready to surrender all to Him. This song (from CeCe’s Alabaster Box CD) in my opinion is overlooked. Keep the prayers of intercession flowing as you listen.

CeCe Winans – He’s Not On His Knees Yet

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuD8QgIb8Zk

(Post 14 of 20) 11:16am

Now I hope you know, that as we were praying for these people, the devil is not happy! Great! Let him stay mad! He is the one who insists on those who are hurt to keep the same thought pattern. Now don’t be alarmed if those who we’re praying for are acting out of character when you see them (or they see you) or temporary cut you off (or just act irrational), remember, one of them could actually be your future spouse – the devil wants to continue to oppress them. But Jesus wants them free, and as we repent for living such selfish lives and start praying for others like we just did, angels are rejoicing in heaving. Jesus wants them whole just like He wants us to be whole. This is what it means to fight for love with a purpose.

(Post 15 of 20) 11:29am

Can I address something that’s dear to my heart? Because April is sexual assault awareness month, I don’t know how many who have suffered under the pain of childhood sexual abuse within this group. You don’t have to respond, but I have found that for many who are what the world calls “emotionally unavailable,” childhood sexual abuse is one of the causes of a damaged emotional state. This is another healing that requires a fight (and possibly professional help – and there’s nothing wrong with that considering that I’m also a childhood sexual abuse survivor). If you have your Bible with you, can you turn to James 5:16. Let’s just read the first part of this verse. Confess your faults one to another. Many people will think of faults as a person’s wrongdoing. Let’s look at the word “fault” from a geology perspective. It’s an extended break in a body of rock. Think about it, a break in a body of rock. We are created by the Rock! So, in order to heal, you have to confess to get it out. Holding it in (or denying it) will cause pain to you and others around you. In fact, two symptoms that can emerge are anger and fear. Because you were abused (and possibly abandoned/neglected), you may think that you have flaws. People may not love your flaws (and judge you), but God loves your flaws. The beauty of God is that He loves our flaws - in fact, they make us all beautiful.

Kierra Sheard – Flaws

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6n49CE296Q

(Post 16 of 20) 11:39am

As promised, I want to address those people who are so legalistic. These are the ones who are eager to point a finger at you to destroy your faith and to disrupt your communion with God. But if you haven’t confessed your hurts to God, your hurts will turn to bitterness which will cause you to view things in your mind through a filter and this will make your fight much more difficult. The devil will bring these legalistic Christians to tell you how condemned you are, that you’re in sin because you divorced, had pre-marital sex, and a host of other things; all designed to make your life a living hell. We as the body of Christ need to come along side of them (those who are hurt) in this fight.

(Final Interlude) 11:54am

Let’s talk about how intense the fight is (and why it’s important, even when you want a love from God), and why you must fight with a purpose.

When God connects you to someone and you know that this is a God- friendship/relationship, don’t think that life is going to be rosy. The devil is going to send some people to wreak havoc to break it up. In fact, there will be church folk praying that your friendship/relationship is destroyed because of envy, jealousy, or who knows what. And that’s probably under the guise of “misery loves company.” He’s more effective when you both are in your separate corners of the boxing ring. Now, let’s talk about what you need to watch for to maintain this God- friendship/relationship. Jonas Clark said this and this is going to shake the foundation for sure. In “How Witchcraft Spirits Attack,” he said this: people who operate in witchcraft are masters as pitting people against one another in order to separate and isolate them. And I believe personally this is happening inside the church. In fact, Jonas expounds by saying this: this spirit will do whatever it takes to control the environment and wants to be the limelight in your life. In fact, a person operating in this spirit wants to talk about them, them, and them. In fact, they signify a bizarre attempt to cut off any other relationships in your life. When it comes to attacks (this is really why you have to fight): Example: suppose a demon spoke to your mind saying "he doesn't love me; she's not praying for you," and you know that's far cry from the truth. You might have to something like this: You are a liar, demon. I reject that thought about my friend. My mind is under the protection of Jesus. I bind you from my thoughts. I command you to leave me alone, in the name of Jesus. This won't be a one-time thing; you will more & likely have to do this constantly until your mind is at peace.
Because many of us are hurt or have been hurt, we have to seek God to see where and how demons have invaded. Don't mull over the past and what has happened. Now, it's time to close the door. And because you have someone in your life that's praying for you, with you and over you, you can really wreak havoc in the enemy's camp. I still believe this is why the enemy fights to separate two people who God joined together (whether it be friendship or relationship). But when they are together, warring against principalities, the friendship/relationship will blossom, healing will flourish and the devil will no longer have access to their lives anymore.

(Post 17 of 20) 12:03pm

Question: Why do you think pastors don't teach on emotional and mental healing – better yet, call it out (we always focus on physical healing)? There are so many tormented by the devil because of past mistakes.

(Post 18 of 20) 12:14pm

Here it is in 2016, and I’ve personally seen an epidemic of men and women who have been hurt by the opposing sex because they've been hurt (and if the devil has his way and we don’t assist in breaking their chains, will lead to bitterness, and bondage). Are you committed to the call as an intercessor or are you just going to be a by-stander?

(Bonus – this wasn’t planned) 12:19pm

If we follow our senses, we will give up on people who really need us. We need to believe in people when they're going through because God believes in us. Everyone in this group deserves a God-ordained spouse. So, this is my declaration to all who have been hurt: I will not give up on you even though others will quit on you. I won't condemn you like those legalistic people who say you are beyond hope or you will always be condemned in their eyes. I believe in you, and you are worth fighting for. You can call me a gold-digger (one who digs deep into you to find the true gold that's in your heart and spirit so you can be all that God wants you to be. I will on purpose fight with you and agree with you if you desire love.

(Post 19 of 20) 12:23pm

And I promised to talk about the soul simulator (courtesy of my pastor). God has designed mediation as a tool for man to draw things from the spirit world into his natural world; that's because we are a spirit, we have a soul, and we live in a body. If we're going to transform anything in our life, it must first begin with our thinking, which is part of the soul. Jesus truly becomes Lord of our lives when our souls come in agreement with Him and His Word. Meditation, unlike worry, is envisioning the manifested promises of God on the canvas of your imagination; it is part of the process to progress in your life. 
 You see, we are what we think; therefore, we must align who we are in our souls (minds) to who God has created us to be in our spirits. One way to align your soul to the Word is to get IN the Word - not just read it, but also make yourself a part of what you read. See yourself in the scriptures regarding your health, your wealth, your wisdom, your mandated relationship/marriage and your victory. This is all a part of simulating your soul to what God wants for you. Another way to simulate is to calibrate your thoughts to the Word of God and speak those good things the Spirit of God would say. Remember, good thoughts we say and negative thoughts we cast away. The only place where limitations exist is in the mind, so take the limits off your mind through the Word. When your thinking is off, it throws off your speaking, and that ultimately throws off your living. Spend time, every day, visualizing mountains being removed and the joys of your destiny being fulfilled. Keep seeing it in your soul and saying it out of your mouth. Speak these words - "Jesus, fill my heart, flood my soul, and flow out of my mouth." I challenge every one of you in this group to spend more time in the soul simulator so that your thoughts will truly be His thoughts, and your ways will truly be His ways. Be determined to think big, dream big, and move mountains this year! 

(Post 20 of 20) 12:34pm

In closing, don’t let your past and the enemies cloud your mind from receiving God’s best. If you desire to be married, don’t lose your faith in that (and in your love for God). Delight yourself in Him and seek Him first. If you’re one who has given up, please seek God for His plan for you. He knows what you need (and this even includes a mate if you need him or her to complete your destiny). Remember, we’re in the fight of life with a purpose. Don’t give up the fight; you are the winner. Just like you received Christ by faith, and now you have to fight for your faith with a purpose. This is no different than fighting for the love that’s ordained by God with a purpose. 
I thank you all for your time today, and I pray that you are blessed, highly favored and empowered to prosper in all areas of your life. 
 I leave you all with three songs (let these songs bless you) – and they will be in the comments.

William McDowell – Spirit Break Out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOSLtqxD-bM

Maurette Brown Clark – Sovereign God

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3o_IZGtLHA

Bishop Paul S. Morton (featuring Tasha Cobbs) – For Your Glory

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t__ht_qNZag