Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 22: Men)

Happy 2023, I am declaring that this blogpost will be the final part to close out the series Will You Be Made Whole, which I started back in 2016. A lot has transpired during that time, learning a new job, getting married, finishing Bible School, completing the Ministry Internship Program and now seeing what God is going to do in my life (especially for 2023). Let me preface a few things before I get into this topic, as it’s strange that I have to talk about men, as I am one, obviously (smile). Anyway, if things come up as it relates to being whole in any area, I’ll just make it a bonus. Feel free to go back through some of my blogposts that I’ve written, not just this series, but other things that I’ve blogged about as I’m all about the heart and soul of man. With that said, let’s talk about men. 

 

When I was 24 years old (back in 1998) I left the military and attended Florida A&M University (which we simply call it FAM or FAM-U). One of the things I discovered during the course of talking to people was the following: most of these women problems are because of us MEN! The last two blogposts have been on absent fathers with a little dash of Mary J. Blige, so we’re going to build on that, and just talk about men. First of all, don’t take this blogpost as male bashing, as that’s not the intent. Granted, many people saw Waiting to Exhale as male bashing, I didn’t see it that way; however, I saw that when I was 21, and I saw it as women that I meet on a day-to-day basis picking men that aren’t even considered men (with the exception of Gloria’s character, who ended up with a man that I would call a MAN). I’ll shut it down here, so I don’t go into my soapbox about Waiting to Exhale. I have a lot of thoughts and comments that I will spare you all of. I will say this as I think about it, I wasn’t saved when I saw it, yet a lot of the views that I have about it still remained. My late father got upset with me because I took the movie personal. I felt I had the right to take it personal as a man because it’s men out there who don’t care about a woman, that will strip their identity, break their mental and emotional state and then they end up guarded, “bitter, angry and mean” (which I call it the BAM syndrome). I can’t begin to tell you how many women I’ve met in my life that are still struggling with relationships, many of them I’ve known since college and even high school. During my college years, I would strive to live life like a Kingdom man only for women who say they “luh” God to end up with some trifling boy! Yep, I said boy, because they’re not even worth being called a man.

 

Okay, let me get back on track. Trust me, I still have more thoughts about Waiting to Exhale. By the way, Mary J. did a song for that soundtrack called Not Gon’ Cry. Pencil that as we will come back to that song. So, let’s go back to my earlier statement: the source of most women problems are because of men. If you don’t believe me, just listen to a song from Mary J. Blige. She would be the perfect example, and I pray for her heart and spirit as well as she’s dealt with some trifling men in her life. Okay, staying on task here. If you listen to the lyrics to Not Gon’ Cry, Thick of It or Your Child (my prior blogpost was on this song), the focus of each of these songs are about TRIFLING MEN that broken women can relate to and understand. Thanks to the wonderful age of YouTube, you can watch Mary perform “live” and many of the women are cheering her on while she’s internally bleeding inside. In some cases, when she’s singing those songs, she’s bleeding on others who are struggling with their own pain. Question: when songs like that are being sung, who is getting healed? Help a brother understand. What I see is anger, unforgiveness and a hard heart, which could possibly lead to high blood pressure. Understand that the enemy is using that anger, unforgiveness and all that to bring on an illness – that’s the enemy’s plot, to keep you bound and you may not even be aware of it. Now I’m just using Mary as an example as there are so many people who are hurting and are bleeding on people who are not equipped to help you heal. We’ll talk about the healing piece later on in this blogpost. The more I think about it, I had a neighbor who slit all 4 tires to a man’s car, and I can imagine a song being written about it – the sad part is that women (saved and unsaved) who have done that would glorify the song. Now, I understand writing is therapy – this is what we writers do. What’s so important in what we write is that we write healthy solutions (especially if you believe God) to these problems as we are this world’s answer. Okay, continuing on.  A lot of the songs sung by women that have been out since the 1990s have been about women issues and “I don’t need a man” or pretty much talk about trifling men. Now to those women listening to those songs, especially if they’ve been hurt mentally or emotionally, they will gravitate to songs that speak on keeping your pride and not crying. That song by the way is Karyn White’s Superwoman (1988) – by the way, it was a good song. There was another one that came out in the same year that bothered me, and it was called Thanks For My Child. I saw that as an anthem for single mothers who got pregnant by a trifling man! Yep, here it goes again. I was 14 when that came out, and for that to bother me then speaks volumes of what God was doing with me. So, back to the pride piece, you do realize that pride goes before destruction (according to Proverbs), so that will require a little humility to swallow your pride. Yes, I know you’ve been hurt my sister, and you can heal the proper way (not by a song that’s just going to keep your wound open or cause your scars to become so callous). Understand that the devil thrives off of pride, as it opens doors to fear, anxiety, worry, insecurity – things that will contaminate your faith. And it’s pride that got the devil kicked out of the garden of Eden! Also know that the devil likes it when people are pride because he will attach you to someone else who is bitter, angry and mean (BAM) and then, no healing can really take place – just straight bondage. Galatians 5:1 talks about standing fast in the liberty which Christ called you to and to not be entangled with the yoke of bondage. Some of you ladies who have been damaged by men, just need to get away from them for a season, fast, pray, so you can heal properly. 

By the way, I said this when I was 24, many women think I’m hard on them, I’m worse with men. I’m still that way today. We men have got to get it together, I have to take my role as a husband, father and a man of God seriously, as we are losing men to the prison system, to the devil, and sadly, to death!

 

I’m not finished with this just yet. It’s sad that I have to talk about this, yet it’s so very important that it needs to be addressed. I remember writing a sermon via e-mail in 1998 about the concept of Defilement – what I was addressing was Genesis 34, where Shechem rapes Dinah, and then two of Jacob’s sons killed Shechem as a result. What Shechem did before he raped her was eyed her in a spirit of lust. And that’s what I saw going on during my time at FAMU (especially my first year) and many of the women were so gullible (like they dropped off all the spiritual wealth they gained at home) once they got to campus. And today, the concept still hasn’t changed. It’s men like that (with an evil eye and heart) seeking to damage women – of course, we all know it’s the devil who is after the woman. Why? Glad you asked, understand that it was the woman who birthed Jesus that would crush the devil’s head! And God even stated that he would put enmity between the devil and the woman (Genesis 3). And that’s the devil’s plan, to send men like Shechem to women with the sole intent to break you physically, mentally and spiritually to where you believe that you are damaged goods. What’s so sad and I’m glad my pastor (Dr. Mike Freeman) posed these two questions: how are we men not paying for the babies we made? And why are we letting women go to court to get us to pay child support? Another pastor (Pastor Ken Friendly) said this and I had to agree: it’s a tragedy when a man (father) won’t pay child support and have the audacity to live better than the children and mother who birthed his children. 

 

It's true, we men have to get it together. This absent father syndrome needs to stop, yet we men must be held accountable, considering the strength of a nation is determined by the male population. I’ve said this for some time and got flack (even to the point where someone verbally attacked me for it): at men’s conferences, we’re usually talking about sex or pornography, and that’s fine. We’re dealing with the acts and that’s fine, the issue is as follows: we’re not dealing with the whole man here. Many of the men don’t know what it means to be a husband, a father, or a man of God. I believe if we deal with those three, then the acts can clear up simultaneously. If we just keep talking about sex and pornography at these men’s conferences without teaching men how to be a man of God, a father and a husband, then men would never graduate from the “boy” state!

 

In summary, we all (men and women) need to go to work on our lives and be healed and whole from the damaged that was done to us from our past. Now let’s talk about this thing called “work.” Praying and declaring the Word and healing scriptures is fine. Some work is needed, seek Holy Spirit and not your inner conscious (Proverbs 3:5), talk to a counselor (secular or Christian), talk to a pastor, allowing yourself to be vulnerable to an authentic pastor and to God so that your scars and open wounds can heal properly. If you pray and declare without doing the necessary work, you’ll still end up bound – considering, faith without works is dead. Take that first step, so that you can let God know that you’re serious – understand that the enemy will seek to stop you whether it’s to prevent you from taking that first step or midway. The key is to have the discipline to follow through! I trust and believe that you can be made whole. Remember the story in Luke 17 where the 10 lepers got healed, two came back and gave thanks, and they received wholeness. There’s a difference between the two, healed is for a certain thing, wholeness is for everything! In your process of getting whole, give thanks in the midst of your process! Look to the promise while going through your process. You can make it; you have the Mayne Man in your corner routing for you and most importantly, God is routing for you! 

 

Blessings,

 

The Mayne Man

Who's Crying For The Little Girl? (#stopchildabuse)

Last Thursday, that question was dropped in my spirit. When it did, my heart dropped. I couldn't help but think about all of the girls who are abused by family members, the judicial system, law enforcement, the entertainment industry, etc. I need to declare that this post is a trigger warning, so read with caution. 

Christine Caine stated that the average age of a trafficking victim is 12 years old. 1-2% of victims are ever rescued. She defines human trafficking as this: Human trafficking is the illegal trade of human beings, mainly for the purposes of forced labor and sex trafficking. As the world's fastest growing criminal industry, it affects every nation across the globe. Every 30 seconds, someone becomes a victim of modern-day slavery.

There are more slaves in the world today than at any other point in human history, with an estimated 27 million in bondage across the globe. Men, women, and children are being exploited for manual and sexual labor against their will.

Not only is this shocking, it sends a chill down my back. 

From http://www.shessomebodysdaughter.com/get-the-facts-about-sex-trafficking

In recent interviews with men who purchased a woman or child for sex in prostitution, Benjamin Nolot, of the The Exodus Cry Movement, found there wasn’t one who didn’t have a history of viewing pornography.

In a study that compared men who buy sex with who don’t buy sex researchers found that sex buyers viewed and imitated pornography more often than the non-sex buyers.

Eighty percent of prostitution survivors at the WHISPER Oral History Project reported that their customers showed them pornography to illustrate the kinds of sexual activities in which they wanted to engage. Fifty-two percent of the women stated that pornography played a significant role in teaching them what was expected of them as prostitutes.

I know this is heavy, but I ask that you near with me if you can. We have the power to change the world and rescue these girls. 

The following is an excerpt from http://thinkprogress.org/health/2012/10/06/971401/girls-human-trafficking-and-modern-slavery-in-america/

Malika Saada Saar, the executive director of Rights4Girls, a U.S. based human rights organization for young women and girls, has this to say. 

On the 150th anniversary of when President Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, which set the date for the freedom of more than 3 million enslaved Americans, President Obama called for the end of modern day slavery. The president’s historical speech delivered at the Clinton Global Initiative, called for major policy changes, at home and abroad, to combat the enslavement of millions of women, men and children.

Many of the slaves today are girls. Born in America. Hidden in plain view.

They are the lost girls, standing around bus stops, hanging out by runaway youth shelters, or advertised online. At the Motel 8 or the Marriott, at McDonalds or the clubs.

According to the FBI, there are currently an estimated 293,000 American children at risk of being exploited and trafficked for sex. Forty percent of all human trafficking cases opened for investigation between January 2008 and June 2010 were for the sexual trafficking of a child. And while the term trafficking may conjure images of desperate illegal immigrants being forced into prostitution by human smugglers, 83 percent of victims in confirmed sex trafficking cases in this country were American citizens.

The majority of these children being sold for sex are girls between the ages of 12 and 14. They are girls abducted or lured by traffickers and then routinely raped, beaten into submission, and sometimes even branded. When the girls try to run away, their traffickers torture and or gang rape them.

They are girls like Jackie who ran away from an abusive home at 13 only to be found alone and hungry by a trafficker who promised to love her like a father/boyfriend/Prince Charming. He sold her to at least six different men every night. When she begged him for food or rest, he beat her.

Young girls like Jackie are the new commodities that traffickers and gangs are selling. In many respects, the girl trade has replaced the drug trade. Drug routes have been repurposed to sell girls, along I-95, and up and down the I-5 corridor. The emergence of the Internet also allows the sale of a girl to be executed with ease, discretion, and convenience for the buyer. And unlike selling a drug, the girl is “reusable.”

The ugly truth is that it is less risky and more profitable to sell a girl than crack cocaine or meth. The U.S. government spends 300 times more money each year to fight drug trafficking than it does to fight human trafficking. And the criminal penalties for drug trafficking are generally greater than the ones usually levied against those who traffic in girls. Traffickers, and especially the politely termed “Johns,” are rarely arrested and prosecuted. Which explains the growing demand for vey young girls— at the click of a mouse, a “John” can purchase a girl online on legitimate websites like Backpage.com, with minimal fear of punishment.

Many of these girls who are bought and sold for sex come out of a broken foster care system. “Of the trafficking victims in Alameda County, California, 55 percent were from foster youth group homes. In New York, 85 percent of trafficking victims had prior child welfare involvement. And in Florida, the head of the state’s trafficking task force estimates that 70 percent of victims are foster youth.

Unfortunately, most child welfare systems have failed to properly identify and assist trafficked and exploited children. The protections, services, and protocols established for abused and neglected children within the child welfare system are rarely extended to trafficked girls. Instead, the girls are relegated to the juvenile justice system, criminalized for being raped and trafficked. This must be the only time in which it is the abused child is the one who is incarcerated for the abuse perpetrated against her.

But that’s the problem—these girls are not considered victims. So while in the United States, we have the very same child sex slave markets as in Cambodia, the Philippines, and India, the girls from here, the girls from Southeast DC or South Central LA, are seen as the “ho,” the bad girl, the teen hooker.

Can I ask what's up with that? Why are we neglecting children? Why are the systems set in place supposing to protect children neglecting them before our very eyes?

Now, I can't do a blogpost without addressing the faith community. Many people pray and fast for our breakthrough, and that's fine. When I read Isaiah 58:6, it talks about fasting for the oppressed and that they be set free from the chains that's binding them (yes, that's my paraphrase - smile). I pose a few questions: do we care about the souls that are hurting? In the judicial system, does a jury verdict matter when a judge will overturn it allowing criminals to walk free?

I want to close this with a call to action. Yes, we need to cry for the little girl (and all children who suffer abuse), but action is needed. 

Christine Caine said this: Human trafficking fuels the growth of organized crime, undermining health, safety, security, and the basic needs of humanity. It is the fastest growing crime in the world.

She has an organization called A21. It's a non-profit organization and A21 believes that together, we can end human trafficking. 

I encourage you to get involved by checking out her site!

http://www.thea21campaign.org/index.php

I believe every child who has been abused will relate to this poem (this is from my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid):

Who Will Cry?

Who will cry for the little child that lives inside Of Me?

Who will cry for the little child dying to be set free?

Who will cry for the little child wounded continuously?

I will cry for the little child, For that little child is Me!

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

P.C.A. (Porn, Children & Abuse)

**Trigger Warning** to those who are struggling with this.

Last year, I was privileged to meet a fellow author & survivor Yvette Tatum. She wrote a book entitled I Didn’t Know: Identifying, Confronting & Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse (a recommended read). I read it while I was sitting at a vendor table in Daytona Beach around November 2013. When I reached one particular part of the book, I had to put it down because it made me think about what I went through during the course of my abuse (which is going to be the focus of this blog).

Yvette had this to say about child sexual abuse in her book of the same title (bold is my emphasis): Child sexual abuse – is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child’s genitals (except in certain non-sexual contexts such as a medical exam), viewing of the child’s genitalia for the purpose of sexual gratification, or using a child to produce child pornography.

I’ll be honest; it took me a long time to write this blog (because of fear, and having the stomach to do this). I wanted to type this blog roughly since the beginning of this year. Yvette went further to say that sexual abuse comes in many forms: molestation, rape, incest, pornography (this includes forcing one to watch sexual acts), sodomy & indecent exposure.

Now many of you know of my story (or have read Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid), but here’s something I share with very few people. I’m going to say it in such a way where it’s not directly in your face, but you’ll be able to get the point. When I was abused by two relatives (within my extended family) between August 1984 and July 1985 I would be exposed to pornography a month later. Now I wasn’t forced to watch it, but let’s understand how this all plays out. The two relatives who abused me were both 2 years older than me (and I was only 10/11 years old). My late father used to watch pornography, but he would always have the door closed (and I was always a child who tried to do the right thing – so I knew this was something I was not to watch). When the male relative (who was 13 at the time) was watching pornography, I was thinking to myself, “If he’s not allowed to watch it and he is, then I should have a right to.” So, he allowed me to watch for a brief moment with him. What I saw on the screen was no different than what my female relative did to me (I’m not bashing her by any means when I say that). But my thought on that was this, “been there, done that,” and initially thought nothing about it at that moment.

I would be so wrong with that thought because it would affect me for years down the road. So for Yvette to write that exposing pornography to a child is sexual abuse, it hit home really hard (in fact, I almost broke down and cried – part of me is trying not to cry now as I type this).

So why am I saying all of this: because when a child has been sexually abused, there are probably numerous layers that one has to peel in order to be fully healed. I encourage you to stay in the fight for your healing and peeling layers will be tough in some areas. Like I just said, peeling that layer off of me was tough. I hope this will help someone in the healing process.

Blessings:

The Mayne Man