Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 9 - Abuse & Destructive Words)

I was getting ready to go workout, and I stumbled across this episode of Judge Mathis on TV. I do need to issue a TRIGGER WARNING because some words will be said that might create triggers and I want to be sensitive to wherever you are in your journey to healing; if you haven’t started, I pray that this post will encourage you to start your journey to healing. Here’s a YouTube clip that personifies how destructive words can be to someone who was abused and/or neglected.  It really heats up around 1:50 till the end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGM6kZMvkWw

If you were not able to view it, that’s ok. Since I saw it from the beginning, let me catch you up to the point where the clip begins: the mother filed a lawsuit against the daughter (the defendant) and the daughter files a counterclaim for emotional distress. The daughter testified that she told her mother about the abuse, but she was beaten with an extension cord and was told to not bring it up again. So, the daughter kept that inside until she was older. Because the daughter never addressed her pain, she ended up on drugs and her mother took care of her daughter’s kids as a result.

Here’s what stood out to me within the clip:

Daughter: I have a letter from my doctor; I have the text message (from my mother) of how I enjoy being molested.

Judge Mathis (to the mother): You didn’t say anything about her enjoying being molested. Read where it says she enjoyed being molested. This is the worst thing I’ve heard in 17 years!

The doctor says this: this letter to remind you (the daughter) that you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the catastrophic experiences you have encountered in your life especially when you were a defenseless child. You are currently having an exasperation of this disorder after about 5 years of stability. The most likely reason for your decompensation is the manner you were reminded of your past by the person who had the responsibility of protecting you from harm.

Mother (reading the text message): I didn’t find out nothing about you or anybody until you were an adult. That’s why I said that you must’ve liked it because you kept going over there.

I don’t know about you, but for a mother to tell a child, “you must’ve liked it because you kept going over there,” is a slap in the child’s face. I can’t speak for other abuse survivors, but I can definitely say this (as an abuse survivor): I didn’t like the abuse (well, eventually I became numb to it because no one was going to protect me because of the grooming), but I also knew that I had no choice in the matter because my voice didn’t matter. The more I think about it, I told my parents the whole story when I was 22, and the response was, “why didn’t you say something then?” My response was, “would you have believed me, and besides, I had a choice, be beat up by my uncle who was bigger than me and good for making me pay for the mistakes he made as well as my own, or receive the belt from you.” It’s been said that the moment your abuse occurred and no help was provided, can actually have you stuck at the age when the abuse occurred. See the blogpost that was released 8/7/16 on Loss of Childhood.

I need to talk specifically to the AA community (since we’re real good at denying things, and holding dearly to the philosophy “what goes on in the house, stays in the house”): When you deny that your child is being abused, or you neglect their care when you know they are being abused, your actions truly speak louder than words. When you put a spiritual band-aid over someone who’s been abused (telling them they are healed and cursed are they if they seek help – yes, I know that generations past were great at keeping things inside the house), that root of hurt will fester into anger, rage, bitterness, and don’t be surprised if the child (now an adult) acts up and ends up in a world of trouble, if not dead mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally.  One more thing, we should never curse someone or tell them to deny that they are suffering from a disorder especially if they have been through something traumatic (and never had a support group to help them heal, or never sought professional help). And yes, there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help, so can we please come off of your religious pedestal for a moment? If the truth be told, and the truth should be told, we all have something that we’re dealing with – we’re not immune to what’s going on in this world. We should be able to support each other, fight for each other’s healing, encourage them to heal (seeking help if needed as well as spiritual counseling, praying healing scriptures) and not live in denial. We’re all in this together. Thank you, now to continue with this post.

Unfortunately, for many who have been abused (even though this is really addressing child sexual abuse, but I can also say for many who have been abused of any type and regardless if it occurred in childhood or adulthood), they end up with PTSD. Other disorders that could occur are BPD (borderline personality disorder), Bipolar, DID (dissociative identity disorder – I would encourage you to be tested for this if your abuse occurred under the age of 6) or even worse Schizophrenia (whether mild or full-blown).

Since this blogpost is about abuse and the power of destructive words, let’s really talk about this.

The mother on Judge Mathis had the unmitigated gall to say, “You must’ve liked it…” Regardless of where the daughter was on her road to healing, those words spoken were destructive and spoke death over her daughter. If you read between the lines, the mother was saying, “I don’t give a ____ about you, whatever happens to you will happen.” Granted, the mother might have had her own demons to fight, but the mother has a responsibility to the child to nurture and protect – and listen to the child when they say they’re molested, and not beat them with an extension cord saying, “they’re lying.” Telling a child “they’re lying,” are destructive words to the child (especially if they’re telling the truth).

Here are some examples of words or phrases that are destructive to someone who has suffered abuse or neglect:

• There’s nothing wrong with you
• He or she is just acting out and wanting attention
• Why are you lying? I will punish you for your lies (your molester would never do that to you)

I just wanted to give you a few, I’m sure those of you who are reading can come up with much more.  Here are some things that I had to hear during my childhood after my abuse:

• Because you don’t have a girlfriend, you are a homosexual (male relative)
• I understand you’re trying to be religious, but you need to be out there with the women (male relative)
• The way you act around the house, you will never make it through basic training (female relative)
• The way you act around the house, you aren’t fit for college dorm life (female relative)
• Look at your clothes; they’re cheap (male relative - paraphrase)
• The reason why your collarbones stick out is because you have AIDS (classmate in 7^th grade)

What I wanted to say to the male relative at the time who made the first two remarks was that I knew a lot more than he thought, and there were a few women in school that I thought were attractive that I would’ve wanted to hit it and quit it. Two buffers were in place: 1-most of the girls in school thought I was goofy and immature (mainly because I was acting out as a result of the abuse – which they knew and did their best to stay away from me) and 2-the grace of God. I believe He stopped it so that I wouldn’t damage not only their life, but mine considering I had experience with a female relative to the point where I knew as much as someone in an X-rated movie. Now my parents didn’t know about that incident at the time – and I’m glad they didn’t because I probably wouldn’t have been alive today. In response to the female relative (knowing that I couldn’t talk back to this particular relative), I enlisted in the military to 1-prove that I can make it on my own (that would come with a set of problems, which I’m addressing now in my 40s) and 2-fulfill the dream that was inside my heart when I was in high school (I was not about to let her words destroy the future that was inside my heart). To the male relative (who talked about my clothes), that was the uncle who molested me (he put me through hell between ages 8-14, and most of what came out of his mouth towards me was destructive). The backlash to my uncle’s words for me was that it created a rage inside of me (with no place to release it – except school). I was angry, bitter, and I kept it all inside. So to cut people with words if they wanted to hurt me was the norm (and a form of protection – note, I had an epiphany at 16, which I believe God was making me realize that I can’t continue to live my life like this). Believe me when I say that I was willing to defend myself at all costs (and I vowed as I got older to defend the woman I marry – off subject: many women see me as such a sweetheart, and probably assume that I don’t carry the trait that I will defend a woman if needed; don’t get it twisted, I will gladly defend and fight for my wife and beside my wife to the death if the situation warrants it – never against her).  The classmate in 7^th grade gave me a crash course of AIDS; however, her words could’ve crushed my chance at life – knowing that once you end up with AIDS, your life for the most part is over.

Now I don’t want to make any excuse for the destructive words I may have said to people during my teen years and in adulthood. Some of them came from a place of hurt, and the remainder was out of pure ignorance. So, if you were the recipient of any words that were destructive to your ears, I ask for your forgiveness.

Can we be healed from destructive words? Absolutely! Once we realize the life and death are in the power of the tongue, we won’t harm others or ourselves. Healing is the children’s bread, and I hope you stand with me as we are on the path to wholeness.

Here’s an example of positive words that will assist in your healing process. Using Proverbs 12:18 as an example, a confession can be made from this verse that speaks life to the body.

Proverbs 12:18 – Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal.

Confession: My tongue makes me well. I have what I say. I say, The Lord is my Healer. I say, He takes sickness away from me. I say, No plague can come nigh my dwelling. I say, He healeth all my diseases. What I confess, I possess. My words make me well. There is healing power in my words, for they are God’s Words. I speak health to every muscle, tissue, fiber, and cell in my body. I release God’s healing power with my words into my whole body. Healing is mine!

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

If God Really Loved Me, Why Was I Abused As A Child?

If God really loved me, why was I abused as a child? How many of you have heard people ask that question? I have a better question: have you ever wondered that yourself? When I think about it, that question could be modified to fit whatever you have been through (natural disaster, loss of a child, loss of a parent, etc.). But for this post, I want to focus on childhood abuse (physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and verbal abuse). Is this question a valid question? Hand down, yes it is. And it deserves an answer (which will come during the course of this blogpost). Before diving into this post, I do need to say one thing: if you have asked this question and came through, just read and enjoy this post. If you have asked this question and have turned away from God because of what you went through (or perhaps you have some scars that are in need of healing), I dedicate this blogpost to you. Also, if anybody has condemned you, or looked at you strange because you have asked that question (you know, the “how dare you ask that”), you will not get that out of me. Allow this blogpost to touch your heart and spirit.

Psalm 27:10 (from the Amplified Bible) says this: Although my father and my mother have abandoned me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]. This will be the foundational verse for this blogpost. If you have suffered any type of abuse mentioned in the above paragraph, you’ve probably had these questions in your mind:

Why didn’t those who said they loved me protect me? Why does my family fight so hard to cover up the abuse that I suffered? What did I do to deserve this abuse? Was it because I was born that I deserve this? Was I not even wanted? Was I an afterthought?

I’ll be honest; some of those questions were in my mind as I went through my teen years.

Let’s take this a step further: when you went through your abuse, did any of these become part of your life (you don’t have to share, just think about it):

You became more of a social butterfly

You became an introvert

You became promiscuous (sex addict)

You found yourself attracted to someone of the same sex

You decided to be asexual

You abstained because of the hurt suffered (either by choice or you were mocked by the opposite/same sex that forced you to abstain)

You found yourself running to Christianity (or a different religion)

You found yourself turned off from Christianity (or a different religion)

Again I’ll be honest. Out of the items listed above, I became an introvert (part of that was due to me having Asperger’s), abstained from sex – partly by choice and partly because I was mocked during my school years and I found myself running to religion (Christianity) for refuge.

So let’s go back to the original question: If God really loved me, why was I abused as a child? The question sounds complicated, doesn’t it? Is the answer complicated? It depends. Because of the abuse you suffered, you might have some physical and mental scars, along with holes in your heart and spirit. Now, I mentioned Psalm 27:10 earlier and some of you might have grown up in a religious home where there was abuse. Because the abuse occurred by someone in your family, you are disgusted with religion and don’t want anything to do with it. Do I understand? Absolutely. Is the abuse your fault (or was the abuse merit)? Absolutely not!! Does God for this type of abuse? Again, absolutely not!! This is where Psalm 27:10 really shines. Abuse is really abandonment and rejected – and those that were supposed to protect you really forsook you. In fact Matthew 18: 4-6 says this (and this is Jesus speaking to His disciples): therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives and welcomes one child like this in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble and sin [by leading him away from My teaching], it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone [as large as one turned by a donkey] hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Now, why did God allow it to happen to you? This is an excellent question. We may not know the reason why while we’re here on earth, and keep one thing in mind: His ways are not our ways (in fact, they’re higher than ours).  If we were to look at the book of Job (especially the first 2 chapters), you’ll find that the devil wanted access to Job’s life to do harm. God allowed the devil to do certain things (except kill him). After the devil did his damage, God restored everything the devil destroyed at the end of the book (the 42^nd chapter to be exact). And if you have suffered, be encouraged that He will restore you and make your latter years greater than the former years. Note, the devil (in John 10:10) desires to steal, kill and destroy. He hates us. We suffered, and we may have holes as a result of what happened, but we can get healed and be restored. What’s key is that we have to fight for our healing and do our part (God wants to restore us). Don’t be afraid if you’re on the fence about it, go ahead and give Him a chance. You have nothing to lose.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

P.S. If you can spare 3 minutes, on the right hand side of my blog, you’ll see a video (where I take the IAmMe Challenge); allow that song to bless your heart and spirit. And yes, I wrote and sing the 2^nd verse and the bridge. 

When I Wanted To Die (World Suicide Prevention Day)

Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. Before I share my story of when I wanted to die, I want to give those who don’t have an understanding of how real suicide is. According to http://www.iasp.info/wspd/, “suicide is a major public health problem. The psychological pain that leads each of these individuals to take their lives is unimaginable. Their deaths leave families and friends bereft, and often have a major ripple effect on communities. Every year, over 800,000 almost people die from suicide; this roughly corresponds to one death every 40 seconds. The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined. Suicide is the fifth leading causes of death among those aged 30-49 years in 2012 globally, and is the second leading cause of death in the 15-29 years age group in 2012 globally. Overall, it is estimated that during 2012 for each adult who died of suicide there were over 20 others who made suicide attempts. In 2012, suicide accounted for 1.4% of all deaths worldwide, making it the 15th leading cause of death. Mental disorders (particularly depression and alcohol use disorders) are a major risk factor for suicide in Europe and North America; however, in Asian countries impulsiveness plays an important role. Suicide is complex with psychological, social, biological, cultural and environmental factors involved.”

That says a lot, and while I was writing my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid (DDBS for short) between 2010 and 2012 (addressing child sexual abuse – based on my real-life story of abuse – and teenage suicide), I went through a suicide spell in December of 2011. Part of the note is in DDBS, but I want to share it with you in its raw form (not to glorify suicide, but to let you know how real it is and that we must have a heart for those who are struggling with life).

December 3, 2011 (an e-mail to a few people close to my heart):

My life is a constant fight, considering I have mental problems through the neglect of my parents during the course of my abuse - which I am not trying to claim the victim role - it's hard. People are saying I should be married. If I'm not then I'm a homosexual. I am tired of fighting. My life has been constant suffering - over my life - for the concern of others. When it’s all said and done, everything is my fault! It's my fault if I'm not married, if people turn their backs on me. I am trying to keep things in perspective here. I want to grieve over what God grieves.

One thing about my family, they are so nosy and paranoid of what I do (considering I'm the oldest). This is partly why I'm writing this novel about my childhood abuse and the main character is going to lose his life (maybe this suffering is for the novel).

Moving along, here's what I really want to say. I'm like this when everyone acts as if I don't exist in their world. Everyone is important to me. I understand about the concept of letting go (that's not so bad). I'm trying hard and want to. Everything is my fault. People are saying to me, "you need to be married, you need to be married; if you're not, you're a punk!" And sure I'm trying to look for love. But when I get this kind of treatment from women (for the past 25 years of my life, you want to give up and say love isn't meant for me, and I've had enough of trying to find a marriage partner). Women are typically saying, "you did this, you're not my type, I only see you as a friend - from Christian and non-Christian women. Why am I on a quest for love when I'm just taking up people's space? Sure, I play a role in other people's lives, but I guess that's it! And again, it's my fault and no one cares of what I do. I wanted to give this an example, because this is the pain I feel in my life. If I had a weapon to my head, people would simply say, "I'm sorry, or I'll pray for you." What? I am about to take my life and that's all you're going to say? That's painful (from Christians & non-Christians). Again, I'm not going to do anything rash, but this is what I feel. Yes, it's a casting down imaginations case, and I know God loves me (though I don't understand when my life is so full of suffering). Sure, I have my life, but my brief moments of smiles are turned to deep sadness. Everybody's saying, enjoy everyday life (how, when everything is crashing - unless I'm supposed to wear a plastic smile). Other than God, there is no happiness in my life. Of course, I can't wait to be with Him when my life is over; meanwhile, I'm miserable and don't know how much more I take. Everyday, it's a constant battle in my mind and I'm already in the looney bin! I just want to be free.

I'm not trying to say I'm a victim by any means. I just want someone to say it's going to be alright!

When I look back at the note, you would be surprised as to how many responses I got. They ranged from “you should be thankful for the pain you went through,” to “you need to just get over it (in short, I don’t want to hear it).” A month later, I called the suicide hotline here in Tallahassee. I told them what was going on and that I didn't want to live. Their response wasn't what's going on, but it went like this, "try to think of something positive." I thought to myself, that's not the wisest thing to say when a teen or an adult has a gun to their head. It made me think long and hard as to why the suicide rates are so high.

I remember a woman posted on social media stating that she was going to take her own life. It was baffling to see how many people were telling her to get over it and talking down to her. I just inboxed her and said this: “if you happen to get this message, give me a call and here’s my number.” About 4 hours later, she called me and all I said was this: “you have my undivided attention, talk to me.” She shared what was on her heart and all I did was listen to her heart. Just a simple ear to a hurting soul can help prevent suicide.

In closing: Many people who are on the verge of suicide really do care about the hearts of others, and many of us probably overlook what they’re going through by saying they are oversensitive or melodramatic. When they realize they are not heard, they will do something rash. If we would stop and understand the hearts of others instead of being so judgmental, we could speak life and encouragement to broken and hurting people.

Many suicides are linked to past abuse, and here’s my take on that: We are on the brink of losing the next generation. And it’s sad that the only remedy for an abused child is drugs or illicit sex. This is part of the reason some kids and even adults commit suicide. It’s a tragedy that shouldn’t happen this way, considering we “so holy people” are re-victimizing the abused, while the abuser gets away with a crime they should be charged with. If we don’t care for those who are abused, they will either take their own lives, or they will become sadistic and take somebody else’s life.

People who are considering or attempting suicide REALLY don’t want to die, they want to live. We must be willing to help them live.

Because today is suicide prevention awareness, I want to do something special. If you were intrigued by this, I encourage you get the book that addresses suicide prevention. It’s entitled Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid: Michael Anderson’s Fight for Life. I will personally autograph it and send you a special gift along with the book. Attached is the link:  http://maynetre.com/mm/books/deaf-dumb-blind-stupid-michael-andersons-fight-for-life/  

I am totally committed to sounding the alarm on how real suicide is and what we can do to prevent it. Here’s a blog I did a few months back entitled How Suicides Can Be Prevented. http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/07/how-suicides-can-be-prevented.html

And a bonus: Why People Are Oblivious to Abuse & Suicide: http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/08/why-people-are-oblivious-to-abuse.html

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

Why We Must Progress From Victims to Victors

Good morning everyone. This was not a planned blog. I was reading a book (actually I'm reading it for the third time), and a thought came to me. This book is actually a finance/accounting book (which accounting is my profession), but at the same time I'm an author and an abuse survivor. Now, having said that we must help victims become victors. 

This book made a reference to people who live in a society known as the Victim Society. Many who have suffered in life will want sympathy and do need it, the catch is they want to stay a victim for the rest of their lives. What are the pitfalls if staying in the Victim Society? Well, being a victim means that someone else has control over your life. I understand you want to be free, I understand you went through, but please don't tell me you still want your abuser (or those who neglected you) to have control over your life. That's what being a victim entails. So, if we can get the word "victim" out of your vocabulary, that's a start. Now I don't want to minimize your trauma, but the mere fact that you're still alive is proof that you're a victor. What was to destroy who you are as a man or as a woman didn't permanently defeat you. So, if you don't want an abuser or someone who is waiting for your downfall to have any more control over you, declare that you are no longer a victim, you are a victor and are now responsible for the choices of your life. Your status as a victor is more threatening to those who harmed you than your status as a victim.

Blessings!

The Mayne Man