Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 17: Church Hurt)

I made a note in Part 15: Denial that I would address this topic. In fact, this topic has been on my heart for at least 2 years. So let me begin.

Did the church or something that was said that caused you to leave the church hurt you or scarred you? If the answer is yes, then I dedicate this post to you. I want to divide this post into three categories:

1. Quotes that are not Scriptural that can cause doubt
2. No sympathy from the church when you’re going through
3. My own personal experience of church hurt

Let me start with the easy part: quotes or things that are said from church/religious people that are so no scriptural. This will offend those inside the church, and that’s fine.

Quote #1: Tragedies are acts of God. You know, when I was young, I remember reading the instructions to the first microwave my family bought. Under the warranty, it said that the warranty was not covered by “acts of God.” I always wondered about that. And throughout 2017, you’ve heard about hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and many people (in and out of the church) call them “acts of God.” In fact, some people will call the deaths of their loved ones, “acts of God.” If Jesus came to give life, how can He be the cause of tragedies? When people call tragedies acts of God (especially in the church), that causes people to blame God when their loved one passes away, blame God for every death that has happened. And some will say at the funeral, God took your loved one. That right there can cause church hurt in people. But it’s all a trap of the enemy.

Quote #2: God put this test on you, for He knows how much you can bear. Wait, how can God put cancer on you, cause a death to sweep through your family, etc.? Many will use 1 Corinthians 10:13 to back this quote up. The devil is the one who is bringing tests and trials. Which leads me to Quote #3.

Quote #3: Tests and trials come to make you stronger. No! They come to kill you! If this were really the case, we would all be strong by now. Tests and trials come by the devil to take you out. Why is it that when a test or trial comes, people panic? Or they stay right where they are, and they pass away? End result: God is the blame for all of this – therefore, out of the church they go.

Quote #4: He may not come when you want Him to. All I’m going to say to this, is Hebrews 13:5 – He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.

Quote #5: Do not pass me by! See my Scriptural passage from Quote #4.

I’ll stop there with the first section.

No sympathy from the church when you’re going through. This is where most of the church hurt comes from. I can truly say during this walk, I’m seeing more and more people so entrenched with their own lives that they can’t take a moment to see what’s going on next door. I’m not saying neglect your own life, but if you were to walk in every church, you’ll find at least one person who is internally bleeding to death with something on them. But because so many are just coming to church to get that word for their life, that blessing for them (and forget everyone else), many are hurt because they didn’t even receive a smile, a hug, a “how are you doing today, how can I pray for you?” This particular category breaks my heart. I know I don’t say much especially when I’m inside the church walls, but I’m very mindful of this outside the church walls. Mainly because I know that I am the church – meaning, that I have to be a light to people when I’m outside the church, not just when I’m inside (to impress people). And don’t even get me started on the hypocritical issue. When people are going through, many will say they are attacked, but blame others for their lack of faith. These are half-truths on both sides. It is true that there is an attack, but where’s the love and support (and not just chastisement – or trying to puff how much Word they know or how strong their faith is over another) – and standing in the gap for them? Blaming others for their lack of faith, a real brother and sister will strengthen them and ensure they are not going at this alone (and granted, their foundation may have been shaky from the start due to being in a unscriptural church, bad childhood upbringing – that’s distorted their view of God and what faith in God looks like). I’m finding within the past week and a half, that we are so oblivious to those around us to the point we care more about things we can’t control (like the president) than we do our own lives or the brother/sister living next door. Part of the blame for this church hurt is leaders using their platform as a political platform over teaching the Word. And when they do teach it, they’re teaching it to fit their opinion, denominational teaching, or just to pacify those listening while they’re still internally bleeding to death. So, because there’s no teaching to the congregation how to love their brother and sister, there will be church hurt (and granted, those who are hurt, need to go to a better church hospital).

And let me discuss the final category, my own experience of church hurt. Six years ago today, I wrote a suicide note (When I Wanted To Die). And I’ll be honest, I was going to a church where many in the congregation could’ve cared less if I lived or died. In fact, it was all about personalities and who was in their specific clique. To have that attitude is not showing love (especially when I was crying for help). Today, that attitude in the world as a whole has increased the more. I still thank God that my salvation was based on God’s Word and not a church. When you place their salvation on a church, or a man and not God, your foundation is off. There is no question about that! Anyway, what I’m saying here is that people will let you down, but don’t equate God to the people in the church. I’m not saying that you excuse their behavior, for we are living in a time where people who say they believe need to put up or shut up! It’s just that simple.

In my blogpost Part 15: Denial, I mentioned when it comes to sexual abuse, we deny it because of the shame that it’s placed on us as well as the pain that was afflicted on us. One of the reasons we deny it is because in church, we’re told to either “get over it,” or “that was all in your head.” That’s really putting a band-aid over it and because the root is never addressed, they’re internally bleeding to death sitting inside the church. When it comes to this topic, many churches aren’t equipped to address it, and in the African-American church, the easy drug for anyone who has been abused or suffered in childhood is denial. I understand that denial was taught for decades and centuries, but times have to change, and we have to address it so we can be free. What good is denial when a trigger occurs and you explode? And for the church to frown on those who have suffered in childhood and not comfort them, build them up by letting them know that God loves them and was not the author of the abuse and answering the question roaming in their mind, “why did this happen?” – we are setting ourselves up for casualties in the church, and many will leave and forsake Christianity because of our response. The root of the pain is the devil! And for us to be so passive with those hurting and brushing them off in the church is to literally side with the devil and his purpose to destroy the one who is already hurt. The devil loves to find people (who say they love God) but not loving God’s Word to hurt others. We as the body of Christ have to do better!!

Bonus category that I need to discuss: legalism. This is the biggest area where church hurt comes from. Legalism is all about the rules and regulations to prove your salvation. Now if your foundation was based on legalism, it would not come as a surprise if you have left the church (or you are bound with working as hard as you can to please God. Know that your works don’t please God; it’s your faith and knowing that you are His. Your past is just that in His eyes, let it go.). Legalism will tell you that you have to work on being righteous, which is false. You were righteous the moment you accept Christ. Now, holiness is something you work on. Many who are legalists will be the ones flaunting their perfection over other people’s face, either to control them or to puff themselves up.  In fact, legalistic people won’t pray for you, but will ask for prayers instead – mainly because they want to see you fail because it gives them a reason to act arrogant towards you. If you were hurt by the church due to you being at a church that taught legalism, or you were around people who are too legalist for their own good, I sympathize with you, and you need to be healed and made whole from this (and anything else I mentioned above).

Just know that you can be made whole from church hurt.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 14: Distorted View of God)

Before I begin this blogpost, some of you, just based on the title may be thinking, “Who does he think he is? My view of God isn’t distorted!” Well, before you discount this blogpost, I want you to understand the perspective I’m about to write from, I promise you it’ll all make sense. I dedicate this blogpost especially to women who have been abused in childhood and/or grew up without a father in the home (or had a father there but was not present emotionally, or enabled the mother to be abusive).

I’ve talked to many women in my lifetime who have shared their story of abuse with me, and I think of one person in particular. I believe her story will show that there are many who are walking around with a distorted view of God. One day, about a month after the passing of my father, a woman posted a suicide note on social media. People ridiculed her and started to become overly spiritual with her, so I sent her an inbox to call me if she happened to get that message. Well, she called me, and proceeded to tell me her story. This woman, at the time, was between her late 20s and early 30s. She shared with me that when she was under the age of six, her father, a minister at a denominational church, molested her and would pass her off to her much older brother (in his late teens). According to her, they told her that she initiated it and wanted it. I had to tell her that there was no way she could initiate anything being so young, and most importantly it was not her fault.

I want to use this story to pull out a few points that clearly define a distorted view of God, and I must say that it’s not the victim’s fault. But the victim can now do something about it, which I will explain as this blogpost progresses.

The first point that I want to make is the fact that her father took advantage of a child who has does not have the capacity to think like an adult. And because he is a minister of the gospel, what does the child think? Her father is like God, and God endorses the ill treatment of His children. That of course is a lie from the pit of hell.

The second point piggybacks off the first point. If the father was never in the home, and if God is a Father, then that would signify that God isn’t there when the child needs Him the most. Thankfully, God is not like a natural father. Humans treat others cruel as a result of sin in the world; God can’t sin because He watches over His Word to perform it.

The third point is that this woman’s father lied to the child saying that she initiated the sex act. Then this will indicate that God can’t be trusted as a result of what the father did the child, if God is supposed to be a Father. And it also gives hints that God endorses abuse. That of course is a lie from the pit of hell. Man lies; God is not a man that He should lie!

If you look at those three points, there are many people who have suffered abuse that could relate to at least one of the three points. Just know that God is not like a natural father.

Let me say this, first and foremost, I’m sorry for any abuse you endured. God does not endorse this type of abuse. It’s recorded in the book of Matthew where Jesus states the following: “Whoever causes one of these little ones (children) who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (18:6). Another way of saying this would go (using the Message Bible): “But if you give them (children) a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t. You’d be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time! Hard times are inevitable, but you don’t have to make it worse—and it’s doomsday to you if you do.” So, we have here that God does not endorse abuse, and it’s more of a tragedy for a minister of the gospel to abuse a child and/or lie to a child (saying they initiated the abuse, or just manipulating the child). That is pure church abuse (which brings about church hurt). Know that you can heal, but keep in mind that man is fallen, God is not, as He is eternal. Separate the two and know they have to account to God. Keep reading, as I will share on how to get a right view of who God is. If you are an adult, and didn’t grow up with an earthly father, my heart goes out to you. I have more to say on that in just a moment. God does not take advantage of His children. He loves them and nurtures and as you can see from the passage above, He loves children and does not tolerate when adults abuse children. God doesn’t lie to His children because He is the Truth. Man unfortunately will lie to children, and when they do, it skews their perception of God.  So where does this distortion come from? Very simple, the devil! He doesn’t want children to know who God really is. God is so irresistible, that you can’t help but love Him once you understand who He really is. Society and the nuclear family structure is doing all they can to equate God to people, and there is no comparison. I’ll be honest; I thought my view of God was like my parents. Think about it, a child looks up to their parents, and when a parent fails them, their view of the world is negative (granted, mine was on many levels – this is why I go about changing the world the way I do).  Because their view of the world is negative, they’ll equate God like their parents and will be turned off from God.

I want to keep my promise and address those who didn’t grow up with a father (or perhaps the father was home, but was either absent, or was an enabler to a narcissist), you may have what’s called an “orphan spirit.” What’s that? Bishop Joseph Mattera (whom I quoted in Part 7: The Bitter Pill) has this to say about the orphan spirit:

Ever since Adam and Eve were alienated from God the Father in the Garden of Eden, an orphan spirit has permeated the earth, causing untold damage! (By “orphan,” I am referring to a sense of abandonment, loneliness, alienation and isolation.) Almost immediately after the fall in Eden, the fruit of this orphan spirit resulted in jealousy, culminating in Cain murdering his brother Abel because God the Father didn’t receive Cain’s offering. To make matters worse, in contemporary society, with the breakup of the nuclear family, large amounts of people are not only alienated from God but are brought up without the loving care and security of their biological fathers.

I believe all of the emotional, physical and spiritual ills of society can be traced to humans feeling alienated from God and their biological fathers.

One blogpost said the following about spiritual orphans (which can cause a distorted view of God):

https://cbgrace.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/how-to-pray-for-an-orphan-spirit/

Spiritual orphans are the result of several things.  The Bible indicates that when father’s and children’s hearts are turned from each other, a curse can result.   I am not sure about you, but I think we are there.  One of the great things about God is we can start over.    The church has allowed the attitudes and ideas of the world to infiltrate it.  With divorce and unwed mother rates soaring, western cultures have begun to embrace the idea that fathers as disposable and unnecessary.  Many individuals will live their entire lives without a healthy relationship with their father or a father figure.  Fathers have let down their children; they have abandoned and not pursued their own children.   Another attitude we have seen reflected in the church is that the “younger generation” with all their fiery passion is somehow more valuable than the deeply rooted generations that have gone before them.  When society began shuffling the elderly off to nursing homes, the attitude in our churches changed as well.   Most churches market to younger people.  Meanwhile, our older generation has thrown in the towel.  They no longer want to invest in a generation that devalued them.  Rejection begets rejection.

I want to address how to handle the orphan spirit but first we must identify it.

Here are some characteristics of the orphan spirit:

1. Unable to put down roots in a church or change churches frequently
2. Always on the look out for something bigger and better
3. Feeling based faith (if it feels good, feels right, etc then I will follow it).
4. Need recognition
5. Easily offended
6. Feelings of abandonment even when one has not been abandoned
7. Attitude of “No one is going to tell me what to do”
8. Attitude of “I know…” (unteachable)
9. Survivalist Mentality always looking out for oneself
10. Never truly comfortable in the presence of anointed spiritual father
11. Reject others before they can be rejected

In closing, a friend of mine (Joy Robinson) said this (and I believe this will allow you to be made whole from your distorted view of God):

When you have an orphan heart, you have a distorted view of God the Father. A son or daughter can accept correction and discipline because they know they are loved. But an orphan heart has difficulty accepting correction and coming into alignment with God’s plan for their life. Orphans have deep trust issues and consequently they will bail out first in an effort to avoid hurt. But daughters know that they are accepted in the Beloved already. Here are some declarations of being loved that sons and daughters should walk in: 

1. Because I am loved by God, I do not fear being unloved by people so I don’t have to do anything to earn love from anyone God nor people I don’t have to keep track of who loves me and who doesn’t.
2. Because I am loved by God, I am not envious of anyone or anything anyone has. I already have the most precious treasure in the world, the love of God.
3. Because I am loved by God I do not have to retaliate against anyone who wrong with me because nothing they can do to me could diminish God’s love for me by a millimeter because I am loved by God I do not have to retaliate against anyone who wrong with me because nothing they can do to me could diminish God’s love for me by a millimeter!
4. Because I am loved by God, I do not have to seek revenge in an attempt to even the score because the balance of God’s love for me was not and cannot be disturbed by anything anyone does.
5. Because I am loved by God, I do not have to hold grudges because note that any person owes me could ever out measure the balance of the love account got hat for me.
6. Because I am loved by God, I do not have to withhold love from anyone because God‘s love for me is not diminished by me loving someone else. My love tank does not go down from loving someone else. I am not in danger of running out of love because God is my source of love, not people.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

The Mayne Man Talks Grief

When I woke up this past Thursday morning, the word “grief” was heavy on spirit. I didn’t understand it initially until maybe 10 minutes after I woke up. I realized that I was grieving some things from my childhood, and as the day progressed, I thought about how many in life are grieving. One of my sister friends wrote a book called “Free To Grieve,” and when I read her book, it made me think about what was going through my mind when I lost my father in 2012. I’ll talk more about that in a moment, but right now, I just want to start slow before I really get into this post.

If you’re reading this post right now, ensure that you have some tissue. My post is not to make you cry, but if you do cry, I pray they are tears of freedom, and that you’re able to cry to get the pain, anxiety, fear and anything else that’s bottling you up inside out. As my day progressed, I thought about the many types of grief that are plaguing so many. They stem from death of a loved one, death of a relationship (whether a friendship/relationship), childhood trauma (abuse), loss of a job, loss of a home, things you did in the past that harmed you or harmed others, and there are more that I didn’t mention. For this blogpost, I really want to focus on the first two. Allow me a moment to share two stories within my life that touch on two types of grief that I faced. Some of you might be able to identify with this, and some of you may not be able to – and that’s fine. They say, everybody deals with grief different, and I’ll expose the truth: that is so true. I don’t want to jump too far ahead; I’ll come back to this point.

Let me deal with first with the death of a friendship/relationship as it relates to my life. Back in 2011, I was friends with someone and yes, there was a level of emotional intimacy with this friend. Don’t worry; there wasn’t any sexual contact with this friend (as I have been abstinent for near 30 years). But the way this friendship ended shook my world to the core. Two weeks before the end of October, I went to go visit her. And I would say that the trip was a roller-coaster ride. Thoughts of “I don’t want to leave her presence when she’s near me,” and “I know this friendship is going to end, it’s just a matter of how,” were roaming through my mind. When I flew back home, I struggled trying to cope with our friendship that was hanging in the balance. On the final day of October, I get a phone call from her saying, “just to let you know, the guy that I was telling you about, we decided to date and I wanted to ask if you were ok about it.” My thought was like, “what can I say? This is your choice and I have to be ok about it.” I was numb for a good month, and to add insult to injury, my sister was getting married in December. I wrote a suicide note (reference my blogpost When I Wanted to Die: http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/09/when-i-wanted-to-die-world-suicide.html) because I felt that there was no reason to live beyond this. I was angry, depressed, full of anxiety, and just wanted to let my life go.

I do want to throw this out there, the day after I got the phone call and I was grieving about the loss of my friendship/relationship, I got an e-mail from a friend saying she understood my situation, but her ex-boyfriend (whom she broke up with a week or two ago), shot himself just inches from his heart. If I wasn’t crying then, I was crying after I read that e-mail. In fact, I stopped grieving over my situation to tend to her situation. In fact, I wanted her to call so she could talk and so I could pray for him and her heart.

I said all of that to say this: this is just one symptom of how someone grieves a death of a relationship/friendship. Now, I’m not saying this is how everyone would grieve, but it all depends on the person (and how they cope with situations). There is no right or wrong way to grieve (I would advise that if you’re thinking about suicide, please seek help); the key here is that there is a grieving process. I have something to say how we treat people when they’re grieving later.

Within 2012, I would suffer another blow, the loss of my father. I want to talk about this in a different light so I can address a few things. My immediate family was with my father when he took his last breath. Many people misunderstand grieving in this sense. Everyone in my immediate family grieved differently (and some people have the expectation that we’re all to grieve differently). My sister’s grieving was different than mine; and my grieving is different from my mother’s grieving; my nephew’s grieving would be different from my grieving, my mother’s grieving and my sister’s grieving. Everyone shed tears (and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that), but I didn’t. Some may say that I was/am insensitive, and that couldn’t be further than the truth. I knew my father would want me to be strong (and knowing that he rarely showed his emotions), and I knew that I had to be strong for the remaining members of family; however, I almost broke down on two occasions: when my sister cried (as I hugged her) and hearing my nephew cry. Please don’t think that I was/am insensitive because I didn’t cry when my mother cried or when other’s cried for the loss of my father.

When it comes to grieving in this sense, everyone grieves differently. I may not be able to understand my mother’s grief, my sister’s grief or my nephew’s grief (just like they might not be able to understand mine). The key here is to be a listening ear when they need it. Our processes of grieving are going to be diametrically different and there’s nothing wrong with that either. My grieving actually comes in stages, and the things that I remember my father the most, are the times he would give me advice, the times I would watch him record a tape, and certain songs he would listen to and sing. Those are the moments I treasure with him and will always keep in my heart.

Sometimes when we grieve, we have a tendency to blame ourselves for the death of a loved one, the death of a relationship, or the pain of the abuse we suffered. The flipside could be that we blame others for them abandoning us. If you are going through either of these two, you need to grieve. If you don't, anger will resonate and can wreak havoc in your life and those around you. 

One friend said to me that for many people, they don’t allow themselves to grieve. Many places (to include faith communities) do a lot to comfort those who lose a loved one. But we forget about grieving over a job loss or change, a friend moves or you move, and a relationship breakup – people usually don’t grieve and heal from these correctly.

A high-school friend said to me that in this country, we don’t acknowledge hurt well. In fact, we’ve become so callous to the point where we say, “Get over it! Don’t cry! Suck it up! Don’t talk about it!” That’s what we tell others who are grieving and ourselves.

And I can’t let this slip especially as I speak heavily on childhood abuse and the many survivors who are grieving child sexual abuse. I (the Mayne Man) frown on everyone who tells a survivor to “forgive the abuser. You don’t need any counseling!” And we wonder why 1 out of 3 girls are abused and 1 out of 6 boys are abused?  For many people, my high-school friend said for those who have been abused, many don’t have a chance to form a healthy thought pattern (and I can testify to that for my life, and I know many others can testify to this as well). It wasn’t denial; there was no other way to think (and I would simply call it survival). Sometimes, it takes a major crisis in our lives for us to realize that we’ve been hurt and we need to grieve.

If you’ve known me long enough, I can’t really do a post without addressing the church. There are so many people saying they’re fine, when the truth is, their heart is bleeding or they’re grieving. And I would venture to share that the reason many don’t share is because we’re pointing a finger at them, and putting our expectations on them, which is truly not fair to them. In fact, when I was going through my suicide spell in 2011, there were times where I had to suffer in silence because I was getting from a lot of church people, “pray for yourself,” or “get over it!” Attitudes like this will cause a lot of people to grieve in silence and in some cases, suffer and grieve for the remainder of their life. I didn’t say that it was the only cause, but we need to have our ears open and without offering such a word that’s criticizing. And if you read the above paragraph, I always ask the church, who is interceding for those who are grieving?

It’s interesting that we quote Proverbs 18:21 that says death and life are in the power of the tongue. So, I ask (which I did in a blogpost) are your words killing others? If you want to read it, just click here -> http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2013/10/are-your-words-killing-others.html

Yes you’re speaking life to yourself, but can you speak life to someone who’s grieving? Speaking life to a grieving heart and spirit is not saying to them “you should be done grieving by now!” If you made that comment to someone who’s grieving, I ought to personally slap you for that comment! The length of time that a person grieves is not on our timetable. It’s on their timetable and if they have a personal relationship with God, it’s between them and God (end of discussion). And we need to stop placing our expectation on the length of time a person grieves on them. People need to grieve, and granted, when you go through something, you would want sympathy from them.

There was an article called Living Through Grief that I’d like to include in this post, because I believe this will touch a life or two.

http://www1.cbn.com/living-through-grief

This article actually confirms a lot of what I’ve said above, but I’ll be honest, I was also convicted. This is the part within the article that convicted me (and I want to apologize if I ever said what was stated in the first sentence below to you):

Well-meaning people may say, “Jesus took your loved one away,” but that can cause people – especially children – to be angry with God. 1 Corinthians 15:26 says that death is our last enemy. Therefore, we can say, “Death took our loved one away from us, but Jesus took our loved one away from death!”

I know this was a long post, but my heart has been heavy for those who are currently grieving. Know that I’m praying and interceding for you (not that your grief is over, but that you’re going through the process to heal for there are some who have thrown in the towel and ceased from grieving, while their heart is bleeding and they’re dead inside). I have faith that your grieving will end, but it will be on God’s timetable and not mine.

I ask you, if you’re currently grieving, if you can identify with this quote (I believe Johnny Depp said this): People cry. Not because they’re weak. It’s because they’ve been strong too long.

Regardless of who said this, if you were able to identify with that quote, I would ask that you take some time where it’s just you and God. Take all the anger you have inside, the pain you have inside, the shame you have inside and just let God hear you and your heart. And by the way, He already knows you’re carrying the burden of all of that. He wants you to cast it over to Him, so He can heal you. I still believe that healing is like an onion; the deeper you cut into it, the more your eyes water. Don’t be ashamed to cry to the Father (if this applies to you), He wants your tears.

In closing, I pray God’s mercy will rain over you and that He puts your heart back together as you’re going through the grieving process. I pray that you stay through the process and that you have people who will intercede for you, and will speak life to your heart and spirit as you're going through the process. And the truth is, the process is painful to you and those around you because so many emotions can erupt and can actually push people away as you're trying to get things out of your heart and spirit. I like to call this confessing your faults (with fault meaning that there's an imbalance in your mind, heart and spirit), and it's all about getting them in balance to where you are healed when the process is over. You might be wearing a smile to the world, but your heart is bleeding. You might be too strong to be weak, because of what you have faced in your life. I understand and I commend you for your strength. I also praise God that you’re still here to testify to the fact that you’re still alive after all you’ve endured. Let His love touch you in the places you know you’re hurt and the places you don’t know you’re hurt. Please don’t defy it. I care too much about you; however, He cares more about you than I do. So, despite how others treat you, be free to grieve!

Blessings,

The Mayne Man