When I woke up this past Thursday morning, the word “grief”
was heavy on spirit. I didn’t understand it initially until maybe 10 minutes
after I woke up. I realized that I was grieving some things from my childhood,
and as the day progressed, I thought about how many in life are grieving. One
of my sister friends wrote a book called “Free To Grieve,” and when I read her
book, it made me think about what was going through my mind when I lost my
father in 2012. I’ll talk more about that in a moment, but right now, I just
want to start slow before I really get into this post.
If you’re reading this post right now, ensure that you have
some tissue. My post is not to make you cry, but if you do cry, I pray they are
tears of freedom, and that you’re able to cry to get the pain, anxiety, fear
and anything else that’s bottling you up inside out. As my day progressed, I
thought about the many types of grief that are plaguing so many. They stem from
death of a loved one, death of a relationship (whether a
friendship/relationship), childhood trauma (abuse), loss of a job, loss of a
home, things you did in the past that harmed you or harmed others, and there
are more that I didn’t mention. For this blogpost, I really want to focus on
the first two. Allow me a moment to share two stories within my life that touch
on two types of grief that I faced. Some of you might be able to identify with
this, and some of you may not be able to – and that’s fine. They say, everybody
deals with grief different, and I’ll expose the truth: that is so true. I don’t
want to jump too far ahead; I’ll come back to this point.
Let me deal with first with the death of a
friendship/relationship as it relates to my life. Back in 2011, I was friends
with someone and yes, there was a level of emotional intimacy with this friend.
Don’t worry; there wasn’t any sexual contact with this friend (as I have been
abstinent for near 30 years). But the way this friendship ended shook my world
to the core. Two weeks before the end of October, I went to go visit her. And I
would say that the trip was a roller-coaster ride. Thoughts of “I don’t want to
leave her presence when she’s near me,” and “I know this friendship is going to
end, it’s just a matter of how,” were roaming through my mind. When I flew back
home, I struggled trying to cope with our friendship that was hanging in the
balance. On the final day of October, I get a phone call from her saying, “just
to let you know, the guy that I was telling you about, we decided to date and I
wanted to ask if you were ok about it.” My thought was like, “what can I say?
This is your choice and I have to be ok about it.” I was numb for a good month,
and to add insult to injury, my sister was getting married in December. I wrote
a suicide note (reference my blogpost When I Wanted to Die: http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/09/when-i-wanted-to-die-world-suicide.html)
because I felt that there was no reason to live beyond this. I was angry,
depressed, full of anxiety, and just wanted to let my life go.
I do want to throw this out there, the day after I got the
phone call and I was grieving about the loss of my friendship/relationship, I
got an e-mail from a friend saying she understood my situation, but her
ex-boyfriend (whom she broke up with a week or two ago), shot himself just
inches from his heart. If I wasn’t crying then, I was crying after I read that
e-mail. In fact, I stopped grieving over my situation to tend to her situation.
In fact, I wanted her to call so she could talk and so I could pray for him and
her heart.
I said all of that to say this: this is just one symptom of
how someone grieves a death of a relationship/friendship. Now, I’m not saying
this is how everyone would grieve, but it all depends on the person (and how
they cope with situations). There is no right or wrong way to grieve (I would
advise that if you’re thinking about suicide, please seek help); the key here
is that there is a grieving process. I have something to say how we treat
people when they’re grieving later.
Within 2012, I would suffer another blow, the loss of my father.
I want to talk about this in a different light so I can address a few things.
My immediate family was with my father when he took his last breath. Many
people misunderstand grieving in this sense. Everyone in my immediate family
grieved differently (and some people have the expectation that we’re all to
grieve differently). My sister’s grieving was different than mine; and my
grieving is different from my mother’s grieving; my nephew’s grieving
would be different from my grieving, my mother’s grieving and my sister’s
grieving. Everyone shed tears (and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that),
but I didn’t. Some may say that I was/am insensitive, and that couldn’t be
further than the truth. I knew my father would want me to be strong (and
knowing that he rarely showed his emotions), and I knew that I had to be strong
for the remaining members of family; however, I almost broke down on two
occasions: when my sister cried (as I hugged her) and hearing my nephew cry.
Please don’t think that I was/am insensitive because I didn’t cry when my
mother cried or when other’s cried for the loss of my father.
When it comes to grieving in this sense, everyone grieves
differently. I may not be able to understand my mother’s grief, my sister’s
grief or my nephew’s grief (just like they might not be able to understand
mine). The key here is to be a listening ear when they need it. Our processes
of grieving are going to be diametrically different and there’s nothing wrong
with that either. My grieving actually comes in stages, and the things that I
remember my father the most, are the times he would give me advice, the times I
would watch him record a tape, and certain songs he would listen to and sing.
Those are the moments I treasure with him and will always keep in my heart.
Sometimes when we grieve, we have a tendency to blame ourselves
for the death of a loved one, the death of a relationship, or the pain of the
abuse we suffered. The flipside could be that we blame others for them
abandoning us. If you are going through either of these two, you need to grieve. If you don't, anger
will resonate and can wreak havoc in your life and those around you.
One friend said to me that for many people, they don’t allow
themselves to grieve. Many places (to include faith communities) do a lot to
comfort those who lose a loved one. But we forget about grieving over a job
loss or change, a friend moves or you move, and a relationship breakup – people
usually don’t grieve and heal from these correctly.
A high-school friend said to me that in this country, we
don’t acknowledge hurt well. In fact, we’ve become so callous to the point
where we say, “Get over it! Don’t cry! Suck it up! Don’t talk about it!” That’s
what we tell others who are grieving and ourselves.
And I can’t let this slip especially as I speak heavily on
childhood abuse and the many survivors who are grieving child sexual abuse. I
(the Mayne Man) frown on everyone who tells a survivor to “forgive the abuser.
You don’t need any counseling!” And we wonder why 1 out of 3 girls are abused
and 1 out of 6 boys are abused? For many
people, my high-school friend said for those who have been abused, many don’t
have a chance to form a healthy thought pattern (and I can testify to that for
my life, and I know many others can testify to this as well). It wasn’t denial;
there was no other way to think (and I would simply call it survival). Sometimes,
it takes a major crisis in our lives for us to realize that we’ve been hurt and
we need to grieve.
If you’ve known me long enough, I can’t really do a post
without addressing the church. There are so many people saying they’re fine,
when the truth is, their heart is bleeding or they’re grieving. And I would
venture to share that the reason many don’t share is because we’re pointing a
finger at them, and putting our expectations on them, which is truly not fair
to them. In fact, when I was going through my suicide spell in 2011, there were
times where I had to suffer in silence because I was getting from a lot of
church people, “pray for yourself,” or “get over it!” Attitudes like this will
cause a lot of people to grieve in silence and in some cases, suffer and grieve
for the remainder of their life. I didn’t say that it was the only cause, but
we need to have our ears open and without offering such a word that’s
criticizing. And if you read the above paragraph, I always ask the church, who
is interceding for those who are grieving?
It’s interesting that we quote Proverbs 18:21 that says
death and life are in the power of the tongue. So, I ask (which I did in a
blogpost) are your words killing others? If you want to read it, just click
here -> http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2013/10/are-your-words-killing-others.html
Yes you’re speaking life to yourself, but can you speak life
to someone who’s grieving? Speaking life to a grieving heart and spirit is not
saying to them “you should be done grieving by now!” If you made that comment
to someone who’s grieving, I ought to personally slap you for that comment! The
length of time that a person grieves is not on our timetable. It’s on their
timetable and if they have a personal relationship with God, it’s between them
and God (end of discussion). And we need to stop placing our expectation on the
length of time a person grieves on them. People need to grieve, and granted,
when you go through something, you would want sympathy from them.
There was an article called Living Through Grief that I’d
like to include in this post, because I believe this will touch a life or two.
This article actually confirms a lot of what I’ve said
above, but I’ll be honest, I was also convicted. This is the part within the
article that convicted me (and I want to apologize if I ever said what was
stated in the first sentence below to you):
Well-meaning people may say, “Jesus took your loved one
away,” but that can cause people – especially children – to be angry with God. 1
Corinthians 15:26 says that death is our last enemy. Therefore, we can say, “Death
took our loved one away from us, but Jesus took our loved one away from death!”
I know this was a long post, but my heart has been heavy for
those who are currently grieving. Know that I’m praying and interceding for you
(not that your grief is over, but that you’re going through the process to heal
for there are some who have thrown in the towel and ceased from grieving, while
their heart is bleeding and they’re dead inside). I have faith that your
grieving will end, but it will be on God’s timetable and not mine.
I ask you, if you’re currently grieving, if you can identify
with this quote (I believe Johnny Depp said this): People cry. Not because
they’re weak. It’s because they’ve been strong too long.
Regardless of who said this, if you were able to identify
with that quote, I would ask that you take some time where it’s just you and
God. Take all the anger you have inside, the pain you have inside, the shame
you have inside and just let God hear you and your heart. And by the way, He
already knows you’re carrying the burden of all of that. He wants you to cast
it over to Him, so He can heal you. I still believe that healing is like an
onion; the deeper you cut into it, the more your eyes water. Don’t be ashamed
to cry to the Father (if this applies to you), He wants your tears.
In closing, I pray God’s mercy will rain over you and that
He puts your heart back together as you’re going through the grieving process. I pray that you stay through the process and that you have people who will intercede for you, and will speak life to your heart and spirit as you're going through the process. And the truth is, the process is painful to you and those around you because so many emotions can erupt and can actually push people away as you're trying to get things out of your heart and spirit. I like to call this confessing your faults (with fault meaning that there's an imbalance in your mind, heart and spirit), and it's all about getting them in balance to where you are healed when the process is over. You might be wearing a smile to the world, but your heart is bleeding. You
might be too strong to be weak, because of what you have faced in your life. I
understand and I commend you for your strength. I also praise God that you’re
still here to testify to the fact that you’re still alive after all you’ve
endured. Let His love touch you in the places you know you’re hurt and the
places you don’t know you’re hurt. Please don’t defy it. I care too much about
you; however, He cares more about you than I do. So, despite how others treat
you, be free to grieve!
Blessings,
The Mayne Man
