Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 6 - Lemonade)

**Trigger Warning** to those who are still in the healing process. This post may be a little graphic in nature, so please proceed with caution.

Between yesterday and today, this post was imminent. Yesterday, I was watching UnSung and the artist profiled was Miki Howard. And after UnSung was TV One’s featured film entitled Love Under New Management: The Miki Howard Story. For the benefit of those who don’t know who she is, she’s a female vocalist who mainly did R&B as well as jazz (she’s been in the industry as early as the 80s, but really established herself as a female vocalist in 1986/1987). I was just entering middle school when her first solo recording was playing on the radio. I want to use her story as the base (and the inspiration) for this post. Now some of you might be wondering, what does this has to do with lemonade? It’s a great question so let me explain (and this post has absolutely nothing to do with Beyonce’s Lemonade). There’s a saying that goes, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, if you just take water and add lemons to it without adding any sugar, you have sour lemonade. I don’t know about you, but sexual abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse, neglect, abandonment, divorce, death of a loved one are lemons. You didn’t ask for them, so how do you make lemonade out of them? Again, that’s a great question so let me get right into the post by sharing her story and I will answer the question as to how to make lemonade out of all of this as this progresses.

Well, Miki Howard grew up in a musical home. She is the offspring of Josephine Howard, of the gospel group the Caravans, and Clay Graham of the Pilgrim Jubilees. Both her mother and father were gospel mainstays, and her sister could hold her own as well. Part of Howard’s story is having grown up in a household where homosexuality was being practiced. This subject was far more taboo in the 60s than it is today. Coupled that with the fact that her mother was a lesbian gospel singer, one can begin to understand why she may be torn about her relationship with gospel music. That could be one lemon that Miki received. During her childhood, her parents were separated and at one point, Miki was placed in a foster home (and I can’t remember if she has been through 2 foster homes). Either way, her being placed in a foster home could be a lemon that she received. In fact, there was a time that Miki’s mother had a man in the home that even tried to come on to Miki and it was overlooked. Of course, that’s a lemon she received. To add insult to injury, her mother not only took the man's side, she would accuse Miki stating that she was coming on to him. As a result, Josephine threw Miki out when she was only 16 years old. That in my opinion is at least 3-5 lemons (if not more).

One could imagine that when you don’t have that parental love that you so desperately need, you try to find love from the world. And because we know that the devil is the god of this world, the result is not going to be pretty. So, it only made sense for Miki to crave love during her late teen years. She would reveal the following, “Most people, at that age, are out going on dates and they’re learning about men and boys and things like that. I was learning about singing, I was learning the music business and I didn’t have the opportunity to learn the things that you should learn. I lost my mom at 18 years old and the show says it was later, but it was 18. She put me out by the time I was 16. So, there was no parent to tell me. Besides that I grew up in a completely gay environment. So, I had no idea about men. I knew nothing! When I tell you nothing, I mean nothing. I just put them on a pedestal and held them in high esteem, whether they deserved it or not. That’s not a good thing, so I had to learn the hard way that you don’t cast your pearls among swine. There are men that are swine and, most likely, they’re the first ones that come up. When you don’t have a lot of time and you don’t have a lot of knowledge you kind of go with the first Joe. ‘Hey you like me, you love me? Ok, let’s do this!’ I didn’t go to the movies, smooch in a theater or fondle in the backseat of a car. I didn’t do any of those things that teenagers are supposed to do in learning about your sexuality. So, in all of my 20s and early 30s I made serious mistakes with men.”

How many lemons can you find that Miki received during the course of reading the above paragraph? Here’s how many that I found:

• She lost her mother at the age of 18 years old.
• She was put out of the home at the age of 16.
• Depending on your spiritual conviction, her home environment would be one.
• Putting men whether deserved or not, were placed on a pedestal.
• Lack of knowledge as it relates to men and/or the true meaning of sex.

If you are looking at your life and you see yourself in it, please keep reading. I know that this may be hard for you (and granted, I see myself in some of what we’ve been discussing so far), but we are going to get to that place of healing and wholeness together.

When she was 20, she met a man in a singing group who was 28, and she ended up having two children with him. He was very adamant in not marrying her even though that was what she wanted. I’ll let you decide if that is a lemon that she received.

When she was 26 years old, she released her first solo album. And a few years later, she would marry a man named Eddie Phelps. He appeared nice from the beginning, but as the marriage progressed, he blackballed her in the music industry for several years after frequent outbursts with her record companies. Of course, it goes without saying that he physically abused her to the point of breaking her nose. And during the marriage, she ended up being addicted to cocaine. With the help of the late Gerald LeVert, she checked herself into rehab at the turn of the millennium. During the course of her time in rehab, the therapist was calling her a junkie (to the point that she felt degraded, and it’s definitely understandable). When she decided to stick it out in rehab, the therapist asked her a pivotal question, what happened in childhood that may have started all of this? Many people would be like Miki and think that question came out of left field. If you have lived in a state of denial and/or blocked out things that happened, it would make sense to think that. She started sharing about the abuse she endured, and he would nicely state that she has post-traumatic stress syndrome (or we could simply call it PTSD). I’m glad that question was stated because it got to the root of a lot of childhood pain that has been held inside. And truthfully, it can explain every lemon that has been received to cause all of the sourness and bitterness that’s in a hurt soul’s life.

The reason why I wanted to use her story is because I know every abuse survivor can relate to this in some form. And let’s face it, we overcome by the word of our testimony, and the testimonies of others can encourage others to keep going and to fight for their healing. I was very touched by her story and I’m so glad she shared it (as I am in the healing stage of some childhood wounds that I received).

So, if you happened to think of how many lemons you have received in your life, how are you able to make lemonade (and a good one at that)? First, add water to those freshly squeezed lemons (yes, I know the squeezing part is painful, because it consists of rolling it on the counter, and pressing it before cutting it open to be squeezed). But we’re trying to make great lemonade so others can taste it and it is refreshing to their soul when they come to you to drink from the story that you have to share.

Now that you added water to the pitcher where you freshly squeezed those lemons into, we need to add some sugar to it. Don’t stir it just yet. If you noticed, the sugar is all at the bottom. So if you were to drink it, you’ll find that it’s still bitter and sour. This is where some of us are, still bitter because we haven’t made steps to be sweet. Don’t worry, I’m not condemning you, this might be where you are in the healing process. If you’re taking baby steps, I’m with you; and if you’re not ready, I’m with you. We’re in this together.

Now we’re getting ready to stir that sugar in. If you are involved in the faith community like I am, then I will just share one scripture with you from Psalm 119:103 - How sweet are Your words to my taste, Sweeter than honey to my mouth! God’s Word is sweet, that’s the sugar needed in our lemonade. We just need to get that from the bottom of the pitcher and get it stirred into our hearts and any other type of professional help you may get.

So, let’s talk a little bit more about the stirring process. This is the part that many don’t want to go through, because this will affect every part of your inside, and stirring requires some good muscle if you want all of that sugar to dissolve in this lemonade you’re creating. Can I encourage you for a minute? Because you are still alive and are able to read this after all that you’ve been through, you have some muscle. You took every lemon and are on the verge of creating some awesome lemonade. Many of you have shared your lemonade with me, and I have enjoyed it. Likewise, many of you have enjoyed mine even though I’m still in the stirring process. Part of the stirring process will require a thought renewal (and having to fight the urge to quit stirring when you’re right at the point of finishing up your lemonade). If you quit, you’ll just remain bitter lemonade. You were born with such sweetness, and life threw many lemons at you (of course, the horrific lemons you received were not deserved and are no fault of your own). Let me encourage you a little bit more: don’t be discouraged about the time you may have thought you wasted in your life and the time that you lost. But you can get back all the things that you lost in the time that was wasted. The God that I serve is a restorer of all things. I want to challenge you to close the gap between what you what you want to see for your life and where you are right now. Your results are determining by your thoughts. As I challenge you, I want you to challenge me.

Are you ready to finish off the lemonade? Here we go. If you have your wooden spoon out, let’s start stirring until all of the sugar is dissolved and you don’t see anymore in the bottom of the pitcher. That sweetness has overshadowed the pain that you’ve experienced in your past. Make sure that you keep things and/or people away from the sweetened lemonade that you have made that will do everything they can to try and make it bitter again. And cherish those who will stir you to keep your lemonade sweet and ensure that the sweetness that you are doesn’t go to the bottom of the pitcher and it’s unnoticed when people go to partake of it.

Miki’s lemonade was sharing her story on UnSung and creating a TV Movie based on her life. And I was truly blessed by her story and I pray many others will be as they hear.

Of course, I can’t close this blogpost without telling you how many lemons I received in my life. I’m only going to share for the sake of time the obvious lemons I received: physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment and rejection (which will equate to PTSD in a nutshell). My lemonade is still in the stirring process but believe me, if you had a chance to partake of it, it’s refreshing (smile).

If you are in the healing/wholeness process, your lemonade is under way; if you are healed/whole, let others partake and help others make their lemonade great. Healing and wholeness is for us. It’s a promise from God. He wants us to be made whole and for your lemons to truly be lemonade.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Why Doctors Don't Prescribe Meds First For PTSD

I initially wrote this blog July 21, 2014 and now I'm releasing it. I believe the time now is appropriate for this blog.

I am in the middle of reading a secular book entitled PTSD for Dummies. As someone who was diagnosed with this in 2008, I just wanted to read not only for my healing, but to understand what it’s about as well as what are ways to be cured from PTSD. So far, from what I’ve read, CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) is one way – and what that boils down to is replacing distortional thoughts that were brought on as a result of the trauma from the past (whether it be childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, emotional abuse from a relationship or from childhood, etc.) or even things recent (such as a family loss). The following chapter was talking about medications. I was really interested to see what this chapter was going to be all about, and the first paragraph caught my attention. This is what it says:

These days we have a pill for just about everything, from balding heads to overactive bladders. Thus, many people are surprised that doctors don’t treat PTSD simply by writing a prescription for some new wonder drug. But drugs, although they have their place in treating PTSD, aren’t number one on the list of treatment approaches – and often, patients don’t need them at all.

I couldn’t agree more with that paragraph if I tried. As I think about the medical (health-care) system, everything is now about putting somebody on medication and the end result is more damage done to the human body. And I commend those doctors that don’t just grab their prescription pad immediately to have someone pop a pill. Now, I’m not saying that all medication is bad. There are more serious conditions that merit it. When it comes to trauma, dealing with the mind is what’s really needed. Just like a body gets sick, a brain gets sick.

A real-life story: my first medical doctor diagnosed me with PTSD and she immediately grabbed her pad to prescribe me with Zoloft. I, of course, gave her one more chance to reconsider the second time I would visit her. She upped the stakes the second time and sought to prescribe me with Seroquel. The first medication was an anti-anxiety depressant, the second was psychotic. What baffled me when she sought to prescribe the latter drug; she went down the list of pros and cons. The cons were about 2-3 times more than the pros (and I was going to have to have my blood examined to see if I’m able to take it). At that point, I looked at her and said I must be psychotic if I take this and I left her office to never return to that therapist again. I sought another therapist recommended by a medical doctor in my church and he said straight up, you don’t need medication. In fact, he stated my gift of writing was a life saver. And he referred me to a LCSW (licensed counselor social worker). Now if you know me, you know I’m good at challenging people. Believe me, I give my LCSW a hard time every now and then, but we have that understanding.

The message: why was I so hard on the medical profession (and why am still hard on them today)? Because I believe that our health is worth fighting for. The last thing that’s needed is for the medical system to make a profit off of us while at the same time, causing unnecessary illnesses via a medicine that we really don’t need.

Anyway, back to the original lesson: I’m so glad the book stated that many doctors don’t prescribe medication as a first resort for PTSD.

If you’re someone going through the healing process and are diagnosed with any of the following: PTSD, OCD, and possibly Biploar or Borderline Personality Disorder, seek therapy and also let these Bible passages calm your mind and spirit (and don’t be afraid to pull from the roots the thoughts that are trapping you and paralyzing you): Philippians 4:13; Matthew 5:7; Luke 4:18; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Isaiah 61:3; Philippians 4:8; Galatians 6:9; Mark 11:25-26.

I encourage you wherever you are to never stop fighting for your healing and your health.

Blessings:

The Mayne Man

My Life With PTSD

I'm reading a book about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), because I'm in therapy for it (as a result of surviving child sexual abuse - I share a little of this in the Author's Note of Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid), and I believe I am called to educate those who are blind to what we deal with.

There's a paragraph within the book that goes like this: to a casual observer, people living with PTSD seem to be doing fine. The truth is, they are battling symptoms that, if left untreated, make it difficult or impossible for them to hold down jobs, have meaningful relationships, or achieve their goals and dreams.

What is the message: don't assume that a person is fine on the surface and pass them by. Always have your discernment light on and be available to offer an encouraging word (not to get them off your back), but one that shows that you love them and are with them.

One thing I find when it comes to PTSD is that some people can be callous to what PTSD really is, but what we all need to understand is this: when Vietnam war veterans ended up with PTSD, they were met with little sympathy. Why? Because the protests showed hatred to those involved especially those soldiers who had no choice (the draft). Sadly, many PTSD patients are treated as if this disorder is a sign of weakness. 

Another thing that comes to mind is that the media will focus more on war veterans who develop PTSD (and I stand with them as I am a fellow veteran) than they will those who develop PTSD as a result of rape, sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc. I am willing to believe the media doesn't want to address PTSD among us survivors because they will have to give an account as to why they are glorifying the abusers/rapists and cursing the victims & survivors (and even the more when victims commit suicide).

In closing: though I am in therapy, I am commuted to my healing to fully thrive and I encourage all of my fellow survivors to be committed to their healing. We can't be victims forever. And I believe our stories are a testimony to the fact that we are still alive and that we are here for a divine purpose. I stand with you survivors and I love you all! The best is yet to come for us in 2014!

Blessings

The Mayne Man

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

What is Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)?

Well, according to the National Center for PTSD website, this is what it entails: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/domestic-violence.asp

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) occurs when a current or former partner uses behaviors or threats that can make you feel scared, controlled, or intimidated. A relationship in which IPV occurs is known as an abusive relationship.

IPV could include any of the following:

Physical violence: hitting, pushing, grabbing, biting, choking, shaking, slapping

Sexual violence: attempted or actual sexual contact without your consent

Threats of physical or sexual abuse: words, looks or gestures to control or frighten

Psychological or emotional abuse: humiliating, putting down, isolating, threatening

Stalking: following, harassing, or unwanted contact that makes you feel afraid

Relationships can be complicated in general. A relationship with IPV can be overwhelming and confusing. Sometimes it can be hard to know if you have experienced IPV. The following questions give some examples of unsafe behaviors that can happen in a relationship.

• Does your partner control all of the family income and budget? Control your work or your schooling?
• Does your partner keep you away from friends and family? Control you by questions and threats about what you do, where you go, and people you see?
• Does your partner put you down, or make you feel guilty or ashamed? Blame you for the abuse?
• Does your partner make or carry out threats to hurt your body or your feelings, or those of someone you love? Threaten to ruin your reputation? Threaten to take your children away?
• Does your partner scare you by breaking or destroying objects, or punching holes in walls? Hurting or threatening pets?
• Does your partner physically or sexually assault you or your children?

How common is it?

You are not alone. IPV can happen to anyone no matter how much education or money they have. IPV happens to people of all racial, ethnic, or cultural groups, and of any religion or sexual orientation. An estimated 22% to 31% of American women report experiencing IPV at some point in their lives.

How might IPV affect me?

You may not realize it, but the impact of IPV can reach far beyond the actual or threatened abuse. Here are some general examples:

• Experiencing IPV may mean that you have more physical health problems. Women with a history of IPV report 60% higher rates of health problems when compared to women with no history of abuse.
• Experiencing IPV may mean that you have more problems with your mood. IPV can lead to depressed mood, feelings of worthlessness, anxiety or worry, feeling emotionally numb, problems with alcohol or drugs, and suicidal thoughts and behavior. Your health care provider may assess you for posttraumatic stress disorder, substance abuse, and depression.
• Experiencing IPV may also affect your job or career. Women who had experienced IPV were found to be more likely to have periods of no work than those who had not experienced IPV.

Staying safe

Only you know what is safest for you and your children. What you may do to keep yourself safe may change over time. Whether or not you are in an abusive relationship, safety planning is something you can do now to help improve your safety situation. Some important safety practices are as follows:

• If you think that you or your children are in danger, leave the situation right away.
• Make a note of safe places within your home to go when conflicts begin to heat up. Avoid rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen) or with no exits (such as closets, bathrooms).
• Consider finding a code word to use as a distress signal to family members, children, and friends. Inform them in advance that if they hear you use the code word, they should get help right away.
• Pack a suitcase with items to take with you when you leave. Make copies of important legal documents (such as driver's license, social security cards, birth certificates, medical records showing previous injuries) and set some money aside. Hide these items in a place where your partner will not find them.
• Make a list of people and agencies you can call or go to in case of an emergency. Learn key phone numbers (such as the number for your local shelter, even if you think you won't need it).
• Talk with someone you trust. Even if you do not want to discuss the details of your situation, simply telling one person that you trust that you have experienced IPV and that you may need their support in the future can help.
• Consider talking to neighbors about calling police for you if they hear loud noises or fighting.
• Consider sharing your situation with your supervisor at work so that they might be able to help you with safety planning in your workplace.

What if I have children in my home?

If you have children in your home, here are some things you can do to to keep them safe and protect them from IPV as much as possible:

Ask your children straight out if they have ever been abused or experienced violence. Studies have shown that in 40% to 60% of families where there is IPV, child physical abuse is also present.

Develop a safety plan with and for your children:

• Tell your children about safe places to go in the home when conflicts heat up. Practice escape routes with your children.
• Teach your children whom to call for help in emergencies. Help them to learn important emergency phone numbers by heart. Very clearly explain to them how and when they should call for help.
• Some children may try to stop a fight or argument in order to protect their parent. They may get hurt as a result. Teach your children not to get in the middle of a fight. Teach them what to do instead when a fight occurs. (They could go to a safe place or call emergency numbers.)

Getting support

Many people who have experienced IPV have a hard time talking about it. Experiencing IPV can bring up feelings of shame and low self-esteem. These feelings can make it hard to seek help. Also, since violent partners often try to control and keep their partners away from their loved ones, experiencing IPV can make you feel alone. If you have been threatened, even indirectly, with harm to you or your loved ones, you might feel afraid of what could happen if you tell about your experiences or try to get help. It can take a lot of time and courage to decide to seek help.

Remember that although you cannot stop your partner's behavior (only he or she can do that), you can find support for yourself and your children. Stay connected to friends and family who support your health and safety. Also, many professional resources and providers are available and well-trained to help you in a private and respectful manner.